Recently, I've had some "spirited debate" (mostly peaceful protests) with some members here.
On one hand I welcome the "back and forth". I am a fierce believer in debating and getting to the emes no matter what the cost. (Yes even 'karmas')
On the other hand, A part of me really needs complete safety of being accepted and embraced, regardless of my views, because if not i get triggered to when i was bullied.

I'm not interested in proving people wrong. I have opinions. That's all. I respect other peoples opinions too. When i share something and it gets responded to with contempt for me, it really triggers me. Its nobody's fault. I was bullied in elementary and developed C-ptsd from my early years. Anyways thanks y'all

Human being wrote on 18 Nov 2022 15:10:

Hey, li’l buddy…you keep posting. You are courageous and strong. I don’t think there is anyone here who has contempt for you. Sometimes, people are just not as careful about choosing their words here as they could be. Good Shabbos!!!

Bh as I progress on my journey, I'm beginning to feel less and less safe. Why Bh? because porn was my safety. I cant imagine saying this, but Hashem is giving me so much schar for falling asleep at 430 AM and waking up at 11 AM and missing first Seder Yes there's no humor in this. Some days i am unable to get out of bed for an hour because I'm paralyzed in bed. There are days when i zhoob around till 430 AM because i am too paralized to go to bed. And yes porn would help me fall asleep, but it would also help me fall to sleep. i don't want to fall. id rather just sleep at 430 AM, then fall to sleep at 2 AM

I'm derealized. For all those that want to know what that means, please google it. It means I feel disconnected to the world around me. It feels like the world is fake. I feel like a 5 year old kid going to primary and in fear of being bothered and uncomfortable in my own skin. Not knowing any social skills and not having any idea what to do about it.   

As I feel like a little scared primary child on the way to school, I look in the mirror and see my beard, my receding hairline, i look down at my body and its too big. Something doesn't make sense. The way i feel vs the way i look doesn't add up. I feel like a 5 yr old! How come I have this weird body that isn't mine? 

I look at the world around me and i cant understand. Why are people treating me like a 22 yr old? I'm not I'm 5. Something doesn't make sense. Why am i the same size as all the people around me that are 20 years older then me? something is off. 

The whole world that i feel ​doesn't even exist. feels like a bad dream. Anyways that is what derealized feels like.

Human being wrote on 22 Nov 2022 05:27:

I know man. Been through that. Actually still happening some times... yes porn is as great as morphine for all these negative feelings. Except they can be cured...
It's important you understand that you are holding in a very important phase of your recovery. A very decisive part. The one where you heal all those feelings and thoughts that used to be numbed by porn. Then you will be able to restructure all of your life according to the way you want it. The pain you are experiencing is your Neshama informing you where it is injured and needs healing.
the only reason anyone here allow themselves to say such things aare because they have gone through it themselves. BezH you will soon start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I met HHM. Finally met someone in person. It was a great trial run to see how my mind would react. I thank HHM profusely for giving me the space and time for the tryout. 

At the same time there's a part of me that feels judged near anyone that cant accept me if i want to watch porn. Therefore, its very upset at me for ruining its trust in me. So I need to take a break from meeting anyone that would look down at the part of me that wants to watch porn.  (anyone basically too religious). I have not been able to function due to this part of me that doesn't feel safe around even me anymore because i ruined its trust in me. So going through a little of a hard time right now. Not feeling safe and secure with myself. But I'm beginning to rebuild the trust in myself to keep me safe. I commit to keeping myself safe for the next week no matter what. Even if a different part of me wants to push me, i will not allow it.  I will keep them safe.

Thankful for 37 days clean. Thank you, Hashem. 

Thank god I've been getting more regulated, though Shabbos was hell. I daven that some day i will have menuchas hanafesh on Shabbos and be able to enjoy the beautiful gift Hashem gave us.

Human being wrote on 27 Nov 2022 01:56:

What made Shabbos hell?

I sent this to my therapist. Copy paste.



Wow what a shabbos.  Couldn't get myself to go to Shul or my seuda. I slept through the Friday night Davening and meal. Then I slept though Shabbos morning Davening and couldn't get myself to be around my family for the Shabbos seuda so I ate in the kitchen. Also Friday night had a big moment. I'll send it in the next text.



Thanks for asking!

Human being wrote on 25 Nov 2022 20:08:

I admire your bravery for meeting someone in person.

Thank you. By you soon too. I promise!

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Human being wrote on 28 Nov 2022 03:14:

Thx so much! I love muser it shows you really care abt me… and also if someone else will mind for sure let me know… but I didn’t see your post till now and who knows how many guys saw it already… so next time send it to the moderator unless it’s faster this way… or maybe do both. Thx again! כל טוב! 

I disassociated, my brain does that when my emotions are too overwhelming and i cant function. Basically my emotions are turned off (my negative emotions) I cant feel any of my 5 yr old feelings right now. Problem is, when i disassociate from my feelings i become what Pete Walker calls a "human doing" i need to be stimulated 24/7 in order to feel alive. I'm always up and ready to do. Its nice because it feels good to not have negative feelings and be so outgoing and exciting, but since i need to be stimulated 24/7, whenever im not stimulated i get turned on. I go straight to anything sexual. Even being on GYE makes me turned on. Im a little lost. And yes my streak doesnt make a difference to me because i feel like im on day 1 sexually. ( Im turned on the whole day)