Right now as I'm bringing up my feelings in therapy why i feel so alone in the yishivish world, I'm feeling such a viod. Its unbearingly painful. The only way I've ever filled the viod was with sexual anything. Now instead of porning or masturbating im just feeling the pain. It is SO painful I want tocry from the aloness and lack of love warmth and safe touch im feeling right now. A part of me wishes i could get a hug from an off the derech girl right now so so so so badly. i cant manage its just such a viod. I also wish i can get a hug right now from someone who can embrace me with my feelings of sexual confusion and craving.

How about a healthy hug from a GYE chaver who understands exactly what you are experiencing?

Problem is i get triggered from anything yeshivish, lingo, hairstyle etc.. I wish i could meet people and connect. I just shut down around anyone yishivish. Its very sad. Its something im working on in therapy.

I just did some sexual browsing. Im going through so many overwheling feelings. IM angry about zeldon not winning, im sad and despondent for a misunderstanding i had. i had alot of hope that was dashed. 

Love you all.

Im really down about life right now. I just did some more sexualized browsing. I'm now done. I'm still at 75 but it was close. having a hard time with my feelings right now. craving this roller-coaster to just end already. I'm getting dizzy on this coaster. I'm throwing up. I'm trying to cheep up the other riders on this coaster but I'm barely happy riding myself. This coaster goes on and on and on. Reminds me of the song from the band "moshav" called   "Will it never stop oooohhh will it ever end" ending off with a smile. good night my dears!

@human…you held the line. Real proud, bud. 

Thank god im feeling a lot better today. i think its important for me to share that when i say im attracted to wierd things, that its just a part of me stuck inside me from many years ago. Its not who i am today, its not who i identify as. Its a part of me that im going to love, not be judgmental to and accept. Yet at the same time its just a small part of me and not me. I'm just a human being. and a Jew. and i love Hashem.

I don't know what feeling, I just know im not happy. My mind keeps going back to fantasizing. Its like i don't have anything else to think about. I've been spending a few weeks drowning myself in food and lust, each one competing for the chance to take over in the pleasure hunt. It doesnt work. Im just getting fatter from the food and drained from the ejaculations. No pursuit of lust can ever really bring happiness or distraction. I really need to work on self-control but I cant be bothered. All I want to do now is go and masturbate again or fantasize or at least stuff myself with more food that I can't really afford to buy so much of. I hope to speak to the mashgiach tommorrow but I dont know how much I will tell him nor how much he can really help me. Its so frustrating that I have no self-control. I wish I could just get a grip on life for a bit.....

It sounds like your in a little back and forth of 1) not feeling good about life 2) overeating and masturbating to escape the yuckyness just for a little, which leads to 1) not feeling good about life.....which leads to....2) overeating and masturbating to escape the yuckyness just for a little, which leads to 1) not feeling good about life.....which leads to....2) overeating and masturbating to escape the yuckyness just for a little, which leads to 1) not feeling good about life.....which leads to....2) overeating and masturbating to escape the yuckyness just for a little, which leads to 1) not feeling good about life.....which leads to....

It sounds so hopeless and despondent. Im sorry your going through such a spiral to nowhere. Hugs Hugs and more hugs. Its gatta be really frustrating.

@human being…I gotta say you have the most beautiful neshama. Your warmth and caring nature is so obvious to us all. I have been the recipient of many virtual hugs from you and they are most appreciated. And I know from what you have written how much pain you have experienced in your life and you still reach out with such an open heart to others who are also hurting and fighting. Thank you for everything you add to GYE and, by extension, my struggle to stay clean. As a human being, you are truly stellar. Hugs back to you.

That was really nice of you. It warmed my insides Thanks. Your quite a human being yourself!.

Human Being,
after reading so many of your posts and seen all the atrength and courage you invested, all I can say is 
You're the Man!(pun intended) 
And even more then that, "...כי זה כל האדם"
you realay live up to your title. Nothing can take that away from you

future paltiel wrote on 10 Nov 2022 15:15:

Thank you, @future paltiel…he really needs to know how amazing he is. 

Thank you future paltiel and teshuva guy. it's nice of you to reach out to compliment! Thanks! ❤️ 

SOunds like you're in a bad place right now, really sorry. ANything you can do to try and get out of it? I mean things to feel a little better, exercise, working on a project, something to focus your mind on