Bh they took it pretty well. They realize that they are struggling to connect emotionally to me and in genaral.

I just sent this to the mishpacha, I hope it'll get posted. Feel free to copy and share.


I know I'm late to the party but being brought up in an emotionally neglectful home and now struggling with C-ptsd i would love to share my perspective. I've been in therapy for 3 plus years and have put a lot of time into understanding Emotional neglect and how it came to be that so many of us in our beautiful community are emotionally neglected- And how many- too many-- are hesitant to heal. Let me tell you my perspective and I hope we can all continue listening, hearing and learning.

There's something interesting I'm noticing when it comes to the discussions about Childhood emotional neglect specifically- but trauma and all things emotional health too. It's that there are 2 sides to the discussion and one side has the science and the other side feels very misunderstood and overwhelmed.  We can generalize as follows and put people into these 2 groups..1- People who don't want to hear about abuse, trauma, neglect, therapy and emotional health in every newspaper and discussion, and  2,- People who want to learn more about Trauma, abuse, neglect therapy and emotional health , including those that need to heal. I find the following reasons to be the primary reasons why many people fit into category one. -Parents that feel guilty. -People from the older generation. -children of parents that were/are emotionally neglectful yet were not affected and wonder why their sibling "is making a whole big deal", -people that don't like the whole emotional health topic because they don't know what to do with the info -people that believe emotional neglect means "not being perfect"
{-people that had a normal upbringing and just want to read or have conversations about something else. - I'm not referring to you in this letter}

Now since I'm part of group 2, I'd love to ask those in group one a few questions. Please respond, I'd love for the conversation to continue. Before I continue a few disclaimers. 1- I have nothing against people who are part of group one. While it may cause me pain that group 1 exists, I nevertheless understand your perspective and can imagine how overwhelming it feels to be inundated with so much information about emotional health everywhere you go.2- I know you're not anti healing and anti therapy. You just feel like "Not everyone needs to go to therapy". "Not everyone needs to know all the details about emotional health".

That being said, I have a few questions.-Do you think we are just making it up? Do you think the 'everyone' that is into emotional health and wants to be involved in the discussion, is just making it up? I have no assumption of any response other than the following.. "Of course not". "Of course we don't believe that, of course it's the truth and people aren't just lying ''.The thing is, your response will continue with the following, (as I've heard so many times from people part of group 1), "Even if it is all the truth, can we stop figuring out who to blame and who to put fault on for all our troubles? Can we just take responsibility for our future and stop delving into every minute of our past in order to figure out who's fault it is? Now this response is exactly what I'd love to address. And here is the crucial mistake you're making my dear brothers and sisters in group 1.

CAUSE does not equal FAULT. 

Scientific studies prove (John Bowlby's 1944 article, “Forty-Four Juvenile Thieves, Strange Situation (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978),Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000, George, Kaplan, & Main, 1984; Main, Kaplan, & Cassidy, 1985,  Bowlby's (1979, Bowlby (1969/1982),  Bretherton (1991; Bretherton & Munholland, 2008, H. Waters & Rodrigues-Doolabh, 2001; H. Waters & Waters, 2006,  Mikulincer, Shaver, Sapir-Lavid, & Avihou-Kanza, 2009, Johnson et al., 2010; Sherman & Cassidy, 2013; Thompson, 2008,  Calkins & Bell, 2010; Olson & Dweck, 2008, Hamlin & Wynn, 2011; Hamlin, Wynn, Bloom, & Mahajan, 2011, Sherman & Cassidy, 2013,  Winnicott's (1953, Krogh, Vlach, & Johnson, 2013; Pelucchi, Hay, & Saffran, 2009; Romberg & Saffran, 2013; Xu & Kushnir, 2013, Gerken, 2006; Gweon, Tenenbaum, & Schulz, 2010, Denison & Xu, 2010, Teglas, Girotto, Gonzales, & Bonatti, 2007; Xu & Denison, 2009,  Xu and Kushnir (2013, Cassidy, Ehrlich, and Sherman [2013]...........................................................................the list goes on and on and on. Check it out       www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4085672/  for all the research. Point is, this is not like the covid type of "follow the science." This is close to 80 years of research apon research apon research that practically all people in the mental health field AGREE on. This is not just science. Its years of actual studies and practical hands on direct knowledge. ) that attachment and emotional attunement is the way children are either brought up with (secure attachment) and almost always turn out fine, or not brought up with (insecure, disorganized, ambivalent attachment) and almost always don't turn out fine. When there is secure attachment, regardless of personality, temperament, neediness etc., the child will turn out fine. And when there is a lack of secure attachment regardless of personality, temperament, neediness, the child will not turn out fine. Now that that part of the conversation is clear, my response to you is as follows. 

CAUSE does not equal FAULT. 

Just because you were/are the cause/reason your children were/are emotionally neglected it doesn't mean you are to blame for emotionally neglecting them. No one is trying to find fault! No one is trying to blame! We are just stating the CAUSE. "How" you ask, "is it possible that I'm the cause of such pain, yet not the one at fault?!?!The answer is simple. You are a victim too! Your parents emotionally neglected you too! You never learned how to attune to your children's feelings because it's something you were never taught! You can't be blamed for not having the tools if you were never taught the tools! Nobody thinks it's your fault!! We are not looking to blame!! STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!!!!!

​Now you'll say, "Now that's not fair"! "How can we blame my parents"? well why are we blaming them?....... I'm sure you understand the answer by now.

They were never given the tools either. They grew up in a war zone. They grew up in DP camps where in order to survive they had to put their emotions on the side because the emotions of world war 2 were too painful to continue life with. Thousands and thousands of our grandparents were born into a world of no emotional regulation and normalcy. It is not Chas veshalom their fault either.

Ok so now that even though the parents caused it, nevertheless it is not their fault and no-one is blaming them, then why do you people in group one think we are looking for blame? don't you realize we are not looking for blame?

The answer is both fascinating and sad. The reason you think we're blaming and trying to dig deep into our past is the same reason this whole discussion started in the first place; because you were emotionally neglected and your right brain is not experiencing life as it should be.

An explanation is needed. Our brain has 2 sides, the right brain (emotions, feelings, connection) and the left brain (reason, thoughts, doing) Therapy and all discussions in emotional health be it in a newspaper, phone line or conversation are all about right brain type of things.-our emotions. our feelings. how we experience things. The reason you think we are trying to find who is to blame and who is at fault, is because, you think we are reasoning about why something happened and what causes it, but we are not because reasoning and figuring out whose to blame are left brain activities! The same reason you are handicapped in regards to securely connecting to your children ( because you are not connected to and don't understand the emotions world), is the same reason you don't understand what the whole emotional health topic is all about (hint -emotions emotions emotions-not blame, shame, or fault)

So let me try to bring you into a peek at our world of emotions. In our world, our emotions have nothing to do with the past! That is all logic and reasoning. Therapy and emotional growth are about......what am I feeling right now. The catch is, sometimes, when some of us experience something that the brain wasn't able to process at the time (trauma) that feeling stays inside of us until it is healed in therapy. when we discuss in therapy what happened oh so many years ago- it is not in the context to find out whose fault it is. But rather it is to experience and process the feelings that are inside of us now that were caused many years ago.

It is about feeling in the now. Not faulting from the past.

I would like to add on another side point about Emotional neglect and Trauma. Most trauma is caused by specific events. We can then process them in therapy and begin the healing process. When someone is emotionally neglected, even small daily activities become traumatic. Just living life itself becomes traumatic. Humans need at least one secure attachment in order to feel safe. The lack of a secure attachment causes a feeling in the mind of that person that "I'm in mortal danger, because if anyone desires to do anything to me i have no-one to protect me". When this happens for a long enough time the neurons (wiring) in the brain itself start changing, registering that "life is extremely dangerous. Anyone and anything can hurt me and I will not have anyone to protect me. If anyone decides to do something to me I will not survive" This is what causes the diagnosis which is prescribed as C-ptsd.I hope we all grow and continue to heal.

I dream that all those that need help will get the help they need and will realize......................its not their fault.
sincerely,
Human being

WOWOWOW. So i thought i was running ahead full steam and opening up to my father, as well as being open with everyone here.... and then i wanted to be open with my father about an even darker secret i hold and he  told me i shouldn't tell him. Wow was i re traumatized. It backfired like hell. Ive been dissociative ever since. I got de realized (Feeling like its too dangerous to be in my own body) the mind is disconnected from the body. Whoooo that was dangerous. I have to avoid my father to feel safe now.

Human being wrote on 01 Nov 2022 23:59:

i understand the desire to unburden, to be an open book and honest etc..
but not everyone is ready to hear everything, and there are people who you do not want to hear everything.
I hope you have a qualified therapist or very wise friend who knows you personally guiding you through this.

Yes bh i have a therapist. I just learned the hard way though about over sharing. Im feeling so terrorized now (although bh im physically safe.

I'm feeling such anxiety today. I took a benzo but still feeling anxiety, that's how bad it is. Last night i looked at in inappropriate picture in a mag. Its so hard when i have crippling anxiety to not want a little relief. The intensity of my anxiety is the feeling one gets when one is chased by someone wielding a knife. My body is zipping away from danger while I'm in bed trying to fall asleep.

Thank god I didn't really get turned on, because i haven't turned myself on in 70 days. So it was more of a "she's really cute" "ok now I'm going to stop looking at her because I'm not allowed to"  Then a sexualized masturbation oriented self indulging gaze.

I totally get what your feeling and it is the worst feeling ever! I’m davening for you that it gets better.

Human being wrote on 04 Nov 2022 19:29:

I know. I also have generalized anxiety disorder and take benzo for it. People don’t understand how physical the feeling of spontaneous anxiety is even though there is no threat. It can be literally crippling. I’m so sorry you also deal with this. Keeping you in my thoughts this Shabbos. 

A part of me is really depressed today.  It got triggered so randomly and so fast. half my frustration is that i feel so out of control of my emotions. It was all the sudden and triggered by something so random.

Guys lets be real for a second. I gatta stop buying the NYPOST!!! I don't want to spiral downward. Bad decisions the past few days buying the post.
What is so frustrating about feeling depressed is that i couldn't care less about streaks or anything for that matter. I feel like 1000 pounds of steel are tied to my feet. Heavy. Lethargic. I just want to hibernate till summer.

Anxiety/depression is tough buddy. Exercise can be very helpful. If you have the ability to add it to your daily or weekly schedule you will probably find it helpful. Meanwhile keep posting. Getting the stuff of your chest is also beneficial.

I actually am trying hard to exercise daily, this has really helped! thanks!

Hi human being. Your post about "cause not fault" was spot on. It clarified the issue in a very cogent manner. Rabbi YY Jacobson is of the opinion that all of the trauma of our nation is coming out in today's day and age. He also was accused of talking about trauma too much. In defense of group one that you mentioned I think it is important to realize that due to the prevalence of trauma we tend to view everything through that lens and chalk up issues to mental health a little bit too often. If someone is actually in a place that his trauma affects every part of his life than it's crucial to identify that. But I think most of us are in a place somewhere on the continuum of  having both normal issues and mental health issues and that it's important to distinguish between them. Thank you for defending those of us whose struggles are hidden and for bringing up this important topic. 

Hi Human Being
I hear your fears, I can see you have had a great learning curve with all this, My curve still going! I also have trouble falling asleep at night, when I started saying Hashkiveinu... repeatedly I got to sleep in 2 mins ish! works wonders, could say shema as well, so good. 

This is the eitza of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch