My name is Noam. I've never wrote anything here, but this is a holy website with holy people, and I feel so alone and would like at least some response.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I used to not have many friends. Thank G-d, I do have them now and many people who care about me. Then my mom passed away suddenly at 60 a year ago, followed by my grandfather. This turned every issue I had up to an 11. I feel alone and sad and depressed consistently. I have like 3 therapists and probably more to come, but this year has been indescribably painful, and through it all(and even before the tragedy), this 
I am addicted to sex chat and reading. I do it for hours some days. About the worst, most menuval things, things that don't define me but are a part of the way Hashem made me. Also other fantasies, terrible things that I wish Hashem would just spare me from. It's so hard to not think about them, and I feel so lowly.
But I keep failing, and failing, and failing. Doing the same aveiros over and over again on auto pilot. I don't even like it when I do it anymore, I'm just said and want to stop. Everytime I say Slach Lanu in Shemoneh Esrei or Tachanun, I feel like a lying hypocrite. I KNOW I'll go home, and I KNOW I'll do it again, maybe not right away, but it will happen. Every day I am alive just feels like I'm digging myself a bigger spot in Gehenom with regards to this inyan. Every day I just reset, back to where I was the day before, full of energy and ready to change at the beginning of the day, and haunted and crushed by my own failure at the end of it. I believe and know everything is for the best, but I don't know how Hashem wants me to change besides throwing everything I have out the window, which isn't feasible for me.
I'll continue this tomorrow: it's 1:35 AM.

Hi, you are going through a lot, and we are hoping that you will see a nechama soon and have many things turn around in your life.

It's definitely not a complete solution for you, but please check out The Battle Of the Generation (see link below in my signature). It will help you change your perspective on the struggle at the very least, and you will enjoy it.

noamhillel11 wrote on 19 Aug 2022 05:35:

this is from my thread... i wrote this on July 19th.  perhaps it will be helpful to you...

in סלח לנו we say חנון המרבה לסלוח i believe that this is a reminder not to fall for a tactic of the yetzer hara.  the yetzer hara will tell a person why bother asking forgiveness, in all likelihood you will fall again, so your teshuva is not real.  The answer to the yetzer hara is that i can sincerely do  teshuva now and ask for forgiveness - even if i don't know that i will be able to withstand the next barrage of the yetzer hara's arsenal.  If i ch"v fall again then i can ask forgiveness again and again.  Hashem is a מרבה לסלוח.  Not being confident that i can withstand future nisyonos should never be a reason to not do teshuva.  (of course for complete teshuva i have to want to withstand... but that is not a guarantee).  We then ask hashem to help us win our future battles against the yetzer hara. That is also the reason that the following bracha ראה בענינו is asking hashem to help us overcome the yetzer hara.

noamhillel11 wrote on 19 Aug 2022 05:35:

Its sad to hear what you are going through.
You are in the right direction and I would advise you to commit to yourself that no matter how long it takes or how hard it will be, you will stick to your goal of becoming sober.
There will be falls and slips on the way but have in mind you goal.

​Life is too short to waste it with porn and lustful behaviors.

what if I know I'll fail?

You may fall a few times but once you've taken steps by connecting here with great ppl, start keeping track on the way to 90 days, you will succeed BeH!! It is not the same old anymore...

noamhillel11 wrote on 21 Aug 2022 05:45:

Welcome to GYE!
If I may suggest that your goal should not be to conquer a life-long yetzer hora in one day!
Simply putting up a fight is a tremendous accomplishment, and skipping one time, or even delaying it a little bit, is still worthwhile. Even if you ultimately do it, there is still value and tremendous sechar for every second you are able to be omeid b’nisayon.

This idea can be explained with the following mashal: 
There was once a king who placed his daughter at the summit of a large mountain and proposed the following challenge to the inhabitants of his land: I will offer my daughter’s hand in marriage to whomever is able to climb the mountain and reach the top.” Many professional hikers attempted the climb, but they were all unsuccessful. Then along came an old man who could barely see, but decided nonetheless to try. He slowly made his way up, and after many weeks of arduous travel, he eventually made it to the summit, where he received the grand prize-- the princess! When the old man was asked how he was able to reach the summit after so many other hikers had failed, he answered simply, “What do you mean? It wasn’t such a tall mountain! All I saw was a few feet in front of me, so I walked those few feet-- and then another few feet, until I reached the top.”

The nimshal is obvious: Take one day at a time! Your goal right now is not to stop for life; it’s to push it off as much as you can.

you can't know the future. even if you think that there is a close to 100% likelihood that you will fail it doesn't make a difference. if at this moment you regret your choices that is enough to ask for forgiveness. If you fail again, you can ask for forgiveness again. If you are actively planning to fail, that might be a little different, but in most cases you are not "planning" to fail. you just assume from past experience that it will happen.

Of course you also want to start building a plan on how to be more successful long term, but even the absence of a good plan does not make you a hypocrite for asking forgiveness each time you stumble and succumb to temptations.

i would reiterate a strong suggestion to read the battle of the generation to help put this into perspective.

feel free to email me directly vehkam7@gmail.com

noamhillel11 wrote on 21 Aug 2022 05:45:

My dear friend it’s like listening to my own voice…
Welcome home and always reach out/PM me if you need anything.

I’ll respond like this.
Tell me, what do you think it is that Hashem expects from you?
Tell me honestly, there’s no right or wrong answer, I want your opinion.

And my 2nd question for you is why? Why do you think Hashem wants that from you?

Looking forward to your response.
With love and admiration,

YeshivaGuy

Welcome Noam.

Loneliness is very hard to deal with.

I have it.

One tactic I use is to adjust my expectations.
I know that is probable I will send an evening alone, and that no one will contact me.

So if this is my expectation. then I will fill that time with activities I enjoy.
This makes me happier, which means I am less likely to fall and look at harmful images online etc.

I also really try to see my friends, I make the effort.
It does not always work, but it does some of the time.

I do not know where you live, but if you can find a social group connected to the local shul, or other Jewish social group which as events, then it is worth attending, even if you go alone.
You just never know who you might meet.

If you are home alone and really need to talk, then come on this Forum.
Or at least go onto a safe respectful Forum which is well moderated, free from trolls.
Something about an interest of your's where you can exchange respectful views with others.

Hi Noam, how have you been?



Hi have life's ups and downs been?



Looking forward to hearing from you.

Welcome to the Chevreh, Noam. 
Sounds like you've been through hell and then some. Although I've never experienced some of the things you've described, BH, I still relate to your feelings of frustration and despair. Coupled together with loneliness those feelings create a feedback loop of negative behaviors and thoughts. Joining GYE is a great step towards getting out of that cycle.
Hopefully this site and it's amazing members will help alleviate some of the feelings of loneliness you describe, or at least take the edge off of it. I myself have found friends on this site who have greatly enriched my life and are always there for me. I'm sure you will too.
But most importantly-Post, Post, and then Post more. The process of expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly will give you a lot of clarity, and the accountability provided by those reading your posts will bez"h add motivation to overcome your challenges.
Never hesitate to PM me if you're feeling down or like you need a listening ear. If you'd like to be in touch by text or phone PM me.

Sending love,
OivedElokim

I read your story and it so resonated with me…especially the part about feeling like a lying hypocrite because we know even as we are saying how much we want to be done, we feel like it’s just an inevitable matter of time before we succumb. I feel you, my brother…we will support each other and G-d willing make progress together! 

noamhillel11 wrote on 19 Aug 2022 05:35:

I just read this and I am wondering how you are now? I’m so sorry for the losses of your mom and grandfather. You speak of things that don’t define you but are part of how Hashem made you. I also have parts of me sexually that are how Hashem made me but do not define me. If I can, I want to help you. I find that helping others helps me. Please let me know how you are doing now. Let’s see if we can help each other. Hashem loves you. He knows your efforts despite the failures. 

Hi Noam, how have you been?