ilikeostrichmeat wrote on 12 Jul 2022 05:48:
Let me preface this by saying I didn't grow up religious. I went to a baal teshuvah yeshiva for a year, which is nowhere near enough, but it's a start. B'H' I'll return when I get the chance.
Anyways, we consider sexual urges to be natural, like hunger, thirst, tiredness, etc., but the boundaries of acting upon those sexual urges are so much more restrictive, punishable, and limited than any of the others, and it's beginning to drive me mad. Don't argue kashrut is worse, because I, as a food lover, have had a far easier time conquering over my urges to eat treif than I have my sexual urges. And where, for a 24 year old bochur like me, are the solutions? We poskun in a way where sleeping with a non-Jewish girl, even as a d'rabbanan, is held to be as bad as an issur d'raisa; sleeping with a Jewish girl who likely hasn't toveled is an issur d'raisa that's hayev kareis; zerah levatalah, well, there's a reason this organization exists; and simply getting married to the first girl I meet simply to solve these issues is a pretty stupid thing to do.
WHAT IS A GUY LIKE ME TO DO? Just install filters on everything I own and lift weights 3 hours a day?
What complicates this all further is I'm a virgin. I had zero confidence in high school/college, and now I do, and I still have that desire to experience what a no-strings-attached college-style relationship (or any real relationship) is like, rather than having one single relationship for the rest of my life and be left with nothing to compare it to and wondering what the alternatives could have been. It was the one big element of secular college life I never had the chance to experience for myself, and that desire is so heavily ingrained in my brain that, despite all the Torah study, all the warnings against going down that path and the risk it'll put to my connection with HaShem, I haven't managed to shake it.
ok, here is my promised longer response!
These are my thoughts i hope some of them are helpful.
Sexual boundaries are not put in place to be punishable. They are not meant to be restrictive just for the sake of having restrictions (although by nature they are of course inherently restrictive). The boundaries and laws are put in place to help you become the greatest version of yourself possible. Ultimately that is the goal of a person on this world. To put in the effort to the best of his ability and strive to fulfil the mitzvos. Every mitzva is an opportunity to connect to hashem and every time you overcome a forbidden desire you are doing the ultimate ratzon hashem.
You mention that kashrus is not "worse". Mitzvos are not better or worse. They are opportunities. Some of them present easier challenges and some of them are more difficult challenges. The ones that you find most difficult are also the ones the present the greatest opportunity for you. It is important to keep that perspective so that you don't feel stifled by the mitzvos. That does not mean it is not hard. It just means that it's is worth it!! If you develop this perspective you will feel much better for withstanding the urges of forbidden desires.
Much of the sexual urge and desire that you describe do not necessarily stem from the natural attraction that hashem put into nature. Rather it is a result of the messages that we receive from the promiscuous society in which we are living. This is not an accident. If we were given this challenge by hashem, and he saw fit to put us into this society, then this is clearly the opportunity for greatness that hashem is affording us. A good portion of people who grew up religious are dealing with these same challenges.
It is also important not to see yiddishkeit as a religion that demands nothing less than perfection. People are not perfect. Hashem does not expect you to be perfect. Hashem understands the difficulty of your situation as he is the one that put you there and he is there with you rooting for you to succeed. We are required to do our best and if we fall, to get up and keep trying. Hashem is not waiting for you to fail so that you can be punished. (I mention this only because you describe some of your challenges as punishable) He is there to help you succeed and grow one step at a time.
Many people want to be good and “do the right thing” to live a torah life because it seems like the right and a beautiful way to live, but they haven’t developed a strong desire to do ratzon hashem on a personal level. They don’t see their life and kiyum hamitzvos as their direct connection to hashem on an individual level
In my opinion, the best way to overcome these desires is to work on this desire to do ratzon hashem. If your desire to serve hashem is stronger then the desire to act on the urges of the yetzer hara, then you will be successful almost 100% of the time. You need to clarify for yourself what you really want and work on that desire. I found that the best way to build that desire to serve hashem was to focus on how much hashem loves me as an individual. The Chasam Sofer says that the reason there is only one bayis in the tefillin shel yad (as opposed to the tefillin shel rosh which has four batim) is to show that Hashem’s love (tefillin shel yad is next to the heart) for every single yid is the same – no matter what he has done in the past. Hashem’s love is unconditional and hashem’s desire is to reward us with unimaginable rewards. Those rewards will far exceed any fleeting pleasure that the yetzer hara tries to convince us to partake in.
You mention that you are a virgin. That you had no confidence when you were younger. Now you have that confidence…. I say that you are triple blessed! Hashem guided you on this path. You did not partake in relationships that were forbidden. You are so fortunate for this. You now have confidence. Use this gift to continue to develop yourself and and to develop a meaningful relationship with someone. Someone who can help you accomplish your true goals in life.
Regarding d’oraysa vs d’rabanan. It really does not make a difference regarding how one should approach how careful they are. Once it is assur it is completely assur. Chazal did not make mistakes. If they said something is assur one should not entertain any thoughts that chazal made it harder for us. Chazal were protecting us and they established these protections with a full understanding of all the ramifications. (of course if there is a place to be lenient in halacha one should follow their rav’s guidance use the leniencies available as appropriate)
Lastly, if you have not already done so, I encourage you to talk to hashem about this. Open up to hashem when you daven. In your own words you can say that deep down you really want to do what is right. Ask Hashem for his help. You cannot do it without him. None of us can!
I apologize if any of my wording shows a lack of compassion or understanding. I have the utmost respect for you, your commitment and the magnitude of the struggle. Hopefully some of the ideas that I have written will be helpful to you or to others.
With the greatest wishes for continued success in this and all areas.
vehkam
