Dov I'm in therapy now, just find all this threads speaking about the womens looks trigger my rage cuz wife is very not cute, so I'll just stay out of the red zone for now and ONLY come back when I'm healed

Now that I hear loud and clear! Yarmulkas off to you, my friend! Hatzlocha in your therapy and in your relationship with your wife. I know the pain of the wife issue you mentioned, and I believe you will get all that you really need, eventually. Hatzlocha again.

one last thought on the topic...

ever notice that all the women the media shows getting divorced are all "beautiful" - maybe there is ssomething to this after all ...

maybe the guys who marry the ugly wives are the lucky ones - because somehow as a couple they figure out how to make this marriage thing work... and dont wind up as the latest "poster" wife being divorced.

DovInIsrael

I'd say that marrying a "Beautiful Woman" is merely like buying a nice car, once the new model comes in you trade it in....

While marrying a full "Human Being" with a wide range of attributes (OK.... let beauty be one of them...) is something that can never be replaced because it's unique.....

Tried-123 wrote on 18 Mar 2010 23:03:


Sorry I express myself poorly at times...ok, often....at least I do check for spelling errors sommetines...ok, one in a whiel. ha. oy vei.

OK, I hear you, and your true words above have been passing through my squishy mind every now and then over the past couple of days.

My main points were these: While it is true that it is natural for many of us to have emunah problems when we feel Hashem is not doing things our way, by the same token, we tend to be unfaithful (in some respect) and disrespectful to our wives when we don't get what we expect out of them.

This whole thing is part of the question the Gr"a asks: If we were not "good" in eretz yisroel with a beis hamikdash and with neviim, then how in the world are we to ever get better out of eretz yisroel and w/o any neviim?! A good question, no?

(It's reminiscent of teshuva having to be by way of the top opening of the letter "Hay" that the world is compared to in the gemorah in menachos, if you are familiar with that shtik'l, but I digress.)

His answer is that there is just no other way to get better when we screw up (my phrase), except by attaching ourselves to a higher level or deeper relationship with Hashem than we had before we went wrong. And the only way to do that is by reaching out of where we really are, spiritually. Staying in ET with a Beis haMikdosh and neviim, would only make us think we are higher than we really are, and that we need Hashem less than we really do! In the very same way, Odom needed to get sent out of the Gan - he was lower and had to reach for Hashem from there. Reality is what we need! There ain't no easy way out, as the song goes. We need to be made to face ourselves, somehow, eventually. At least, that's how I understand his answer. And that's how I understand the 1st step experience, too. (I can't remember where it's written in Gaon, maybe someone else here does. If I botched it all up, please forgive me.)

We are a mess. We are basically blind, and have puny brains - a shadow of the real Da'as that is His/Him. Lust overtakes us, as do our fears, pride, and resentments. No blame there - it's just the way it is for many of us. We rarely see farther than our own wishes and 'rights' and even the perspective of another human usually eludes us, let alone that of the Divine. We rarely even care, really...that's what it means to be the average human being. Nu. And he loves us.

I think many of us (me especially) need hachno'oh (a broken heart/broken ga'avoh) more than anything else, for recovery. And through sobriety and recovery with hachno'oh, our relationships with our G-d and with fellow man (and spouses) will become right-sized. Then they will actually begin to work for us. The emunah will begin to actually function the way it is meant to, and the relationships will actually grow and be fun!

Does that make any sense to you tried-123?

What My Rebbereber=dov
Is saying is:

We are our problem and we are our solution

Zeh hu

Right rebbe??

Talmidcha,bards

Definitely much easier than the first time around.... No, really it really was easier...
To heck with easy, isn't it all about moving forward, why look back...

This is precisely what I meant with my very first posting.
You can never know everything for sure, like they say in AA Let go and let God.... The rest is all spinach for the starving/or not....  

bardichev wrote on 21 Mar 2010 23:38:


HKB"H sent us 48 neviim and 7 nevios, and our selective deafness continued until achashveirosh took off his ring and gave it  :o to haman, ym"s...and suddenly we began to hear perfectly!
I schleptzich arois with rechev and soosim and it's mamesh gibberish! Then Reb b varfs arois a "zehu" one-liner and poof - B'shem Hashem Elokeinu nazkir! Zehu!  :D

Can you please, please give me bardish lessons?

On second thought, forget it....that would ruin all the fun! You stay right there in your truck with all-caps and whatever...look out for my bike, though...you know, the squeegy man never goes after fellas on bikes!!  ;D

squeek, squeek!

dov wrote on 22 Mar 2010 02:42:


Giberish or not....
When Dov writes we listen....

And yes all it takes is one ice-cream and everything is self understood...

As they Posuk says: "V'yivosor Yakov L'vado......"
It's about the struggle. Nothing less (or more )

Peace and love brothers...

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

TRUCK/TRIKE

though...you know, the squeegy man never goes after fellas on bikes!! 


REBBEREBBER=DOV THE SQUEEGYMEN STEAL ALL THE BIKES  :

Uch! I really hate the squeegy man (puy!) now! 

There was a song once, "Ugly woman!"  And the refrain was "If you marry an ugly woman, you'll be happy for the rest of your life."  My grandparents had the record, or on tape somehow.

Anyone else remember that?

Yes, I thougth it was hilarious. 

"So if you want to be happy for the rest of your life make an ugly woman your wife, so from my personal point of view get an ugly woman to marry you....."

I remember hearing how truly drop dead gorgeous women would find themselves attracted to pretty homely, short, balding men. It helped the women lose their insecurity that they'd end up with their husbands leaving them for a more beautiful woman -- the gorgeous GUY might find someone prettier (especially after the wife's had a coupla kids, wrinkles, whatever), but the homely guy wouldn't be able to do any better anyhow. Plus, he'd be feeling so darned lucky for all those years that he snared a supermodel that he'd never even think of cheating on her.

So all those insecure supermodel types would fall in love with homely men (or perhaps ones who look like their father??) because it made them feel more secure in the relationship.

Apparently, it's common for chareidi women in the US to feel similarly about their men -- "I don't worry about the cute shiksas at his office -- who's going to want to fool around with such a paunchy, balding, black&white-clad nebbach (by goyish standards). I'm totally safe."

Whaddya think?