I would like to know what people think about this. We know that the yetzer hora creates ideas and lust into our minds, and it is all fake. Maybe if we were to know that even if our wife would be like the women we dream about, the yetzer hora would just make us want some other women etc, that this would help. I'm rushing this message as im in a rush, but there is more I have to say...

Ive always tried to convince myself that its just another example of "the grass is always greener on the other side". It aint easy to believe it but i think its true.

"Do men with pretty and skinny wives have less of a problem?"

If Mr. Tiger Woods is any example, then NO! A billionaire with a very attractive wife (I'm embarrassed to know this), he has a major lust problem and had numerous affairs with numerous women. I'm a single guy myself but my speculation is that having a pretty, skinny wife does not help a person struggling with these issues.

Mayim genuvim yimtaku vliechem starim yinaam"

The question is if they have less of a problem. Not if it eliminates their problem. A person with an attractive wife can reasonably convince himself that he has a beautiful wife, why is he looking elsewhere... but if his wife has become repulsive to him (see below).... well then its understandably more difficult...

The assumption is that at the wedding you were attracted to your wife. Now lets say, since then, she's tripled her weight, stopped brushing her teeth, traded in the contact lenses for big dorky glasses, showers once in a blue moon and no longer wears makeup.

I don't know about you, but none of that is a lust issue. I don't care how beautiful you are, but if you cover it all it up with repulsive habits, then you're no longer attractive.

I think the real question is, do men with wives who uphold the standards of hygiene and health (that are in their ability to control) have an easier time?

I don't expect my wife to not age, but I do expect an effort on her part to try to make herself attractive to me. Is that not appropriate?

Which by the way brings me to the my next question:

What do us singles do when dating - if we reject a girl because we're not attracted are we just giving in to lust addiction? Or is it reasonable to be attracted?

The answer is NO "en-oh"
There is a certain type of desire which is based on fantasy and imagination. That's the type of desire people have for women who they are not married to. As long as the woman doesn't belong to you - you still have that imagination kind of desire for her.
The second a woman belongs to you, that whole sense of desire for her is out the window. Tried and tested. Ask anyone with a pretty wife if they care anymore, or if it makes them not look at or think about other women. Besides, after a few kids - nobody looks great.
There are no shortcuts. You were put here to OVERCOME this battle. There's absolutely no way to get around it, so don't waste your time thinking about how to.

P.S. Even more so, do yourself a very big favor, be smart, and don't choose your wife based on looks.

I have asked 2 big names this question (giving either name would easily identify me). A wife has an inborn need to have her husband find her 'attractive'. A woman has an inborn need to please her husband, if she dicovers that you like ice in your drink....she will always try and offer it (untill you get annoyed-of course).    I don't know for shure if these 2 needs are related, but both play an important role in this issue. She needs to feel that you find her attractive, you can't fake it. And she will try everything (or many things) to do that. So if you choose a wife, to whom you do not find "pleasing...not drop dead gorgeous, but pleasing " then you are doing her a great disfavor. you cannot fulfill your wife's needs.       
Additionally, she will drive herself nuts to try every style, color, etc... to acheive this. Who knows, mybe G-D will make a nes and show her a style you are attracted to. But short of that, she will keep looking untill she gives-up. 

on the other hand, there is a place for your own need to be attracted to your wife. But seek hadracha on that issue...i haven't had the luxury of meeting a girl to whom an attraction did not develop. The same rav told me to give it till 4 dates (but double check if you are doing shiduchim the israeli way).

ps: mention it to the shadchan, and try having her dress casually, or using a different hair style.

KG:

obviously choosing a wife based on her looks is a big no no... but the question is, what happens when a perfectly good girl comes along and she has good qualities that will make a good wife... but  you have ZERO attraction. Not to her looks... or her personality for that matter (you do not find her pleasing) ...then what? Who is talking when you make that choice... ur addiction or ?

Hey SA we're not denying that. Of course you need to be attracted to your wife. Attracted- in the proper manner. You might be very surprised to know what "being attracted" is supposed to mean. When someone doesn't understand how he's supposed to view his wife, even if he married a model, he will 100% grow bored of her, and will be in a position which is even worse than someone who never found his wife attractive to begin with.

My opinion/understanding, for what it's worth: Yes, a man should marry a woman who he is reasonably attracted to and, no, looks should not be the main focus.  And, let's put aside extreme cases of lack of hygiene etc. because few people can tolerate that (if a guy knew Shas as well as any of the Gedolei Hador, but went on dates without showering for a month, no girl - or almost no girl - would marry him).

Here's the key: If a man avoids looking at other women, or otherwise expending his sexual energy, his attraction for his wife will remain strong, even if most people don't view her as being attractive.  Conversely, if a man looks at other women (lustfully) and/or expends his sexual energy illicitly, his attraction to his wife will be diminished, even if she is very attractive.

Well said Reb K

Read harrys son

Remember Chani the trophy wife



HEH HEH WEEZ STILL HEAH YOUZE PEEPILS

-KHALEED HEH HEH 

ark321 wrote on 24 Dec 2009 23:06:

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO 

lamed vavnik wrote on 25 Dec 2009 07:19:


Check out this link: www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1733

What makes all the difference is...SHOLOM BAYIS. If a couple have good Sholom Bayis then this will create an attraction between them - in fact a strong sexual attraction. A miracle if you ask me. Nothing else will make a difference - not her clothes size, nor if she looks like the back of a bus. On the other hand, if their Sholom Bayis is poor, well then she can be the hottest looking women in town, the very women that so many men in the neighbourhood find it so hard to control themselves about. She is the one that you make promises about that you will avoid staring at in the street. And its her that is in the back of your mind when you go onto 'Guardyoureyes' to help you with your problems...yet her husband finds it hard to get an erection even when shes in her full glory.

However. I cant help to still wonder whether the problem is less for someone with a pretty and skinny wife. He doesnt have to tell himself, 'if she would only be slimer etc. then I wouldn't have to look elsewhere' as opposed to another man who does tell himself this. What does the one with the pretty wife tell himself? Secondly, when the lights are out, his pretty and skinny wife now has all that he could wish for, no? Another such women will feel no different. Yes he would rather be with the other women from down the road who is as hot, but in this respect there is no difference. Whereas a man whos wife is say overweight, will always dream for that skinny girl...

Where did I go wrong there. I just feel there is an answer.