It’s been a while, I had this thought that I think can be helpful I may have written about it already yet even if I did it’s worth saying it again.

After looking around a lot on GYE, I see so many many are working so hard in their avodas hashem journey especially in the area of lust etc. and often after a bump they are left  so broken, feeling like “Why can’t I make it? Why can’t I just never do these actions again? Why does it always go for some time and then boom?” Eventually, after some time of these hard feelings they make a commitment “I’m gonna restart my count and try again”. Yet again and again after some time they go back to the old patterns and the cycle restarts itself. In which I assume is wishful thinking, it’s such a painful process! One tip I’d like to suggest is to reflect a bit. So many of us just move on and on and on.. we hope and pray and of course put in hard work and really try, Yet we don’t find ourselves looking back much. I’d recommend perhaps thinking - what do I want to remember in a time where the thought of something assur pops in my head? Where the thought to fall is on its way?

What thought would have been helpful to remember before my previous fall? What would have held me back? Thinking about this from time to time can really be helpful! It can give us a lot of insight in this journey. Thank you all for reading and giving me the opportunity to write about this and ingrain it in myself.

Anyone who wants to join Vehkam and I are up to chapter 9 in the battle of the generation! I highly highly highly recommend it. It really covers all angles of the struggle! 

Being that I’m almost done the most amazing book - the battle of the generation. I want to write a few key points that I learned.. (special shout-out to Vehkam for helping me so much with this book along the way!) I’ll start today with one small point - 

1. The most important fundamental step is have to have a Ratzon to stop these behaviors as much as possible.

• The more we think how much hashem loves us the more we’ll want to reciprocate and keep his Torah.
• We have an inner desire to connect to hashem. The more we’re aware of that we’ll channel the desire to the right place.
• We must think deeper. Do we wanna accomplish in life and reach greatness? Do we wanna go up to shamayim with self-control in our hands?? or a bunch of self soothing acts that lasted 2 minutes and made us feel horrible after? What do I want to see myself doing?

I was thinking I’d love to get back into sharing insight. I hope some people find it helpful.

Let’s kick it off with…
At times when we fall and mess up we can be hit with very strong guilt.. terrible voices in our heads etc at that point it’s hard to feel good about anything and for-sure about ourselves. I think it’s very important to zoom out of the guilt and regain focus. The whole point of guilt is the brain telling us to get better at it in the future. And the point of getting better is so we can keep the Torah in a more wholesome pure way.  So when we’re hit with guilt it may help to tell yourself “yes, this is a big sin however my goal is to keep the Torah in totality and I will try to work on it each day”. That can give our guilt a place and allow us to calm down because we understood the message it’s trying to give us, and we are looking at the goal more objectively so we’re not in SUCH a terrible place anymore. This is a big thing and I’m good in some areas and not so good in the others and I’ll work on myself to get better..

It’s very beneficial to ask yourself when you’re feeling lustful..

was I ever happy in the long run going down this track? And I said after the fact- “ wow! This was really worth it!” ??? Most probably in general the answer is no! Realizing that can help you make a smarter choice. 

I’m not sure if I wrote about this ever but either way it’s worth writing it again! 



sometimes we try to hold strong from lust but we’re trying and trying without realizing that a lot of the battle comes from our mind. With all the lustful fantasies going through our head. To really stop the assur behaviors we have to stop the thought patterns first! When you notice the dirty thought ask yourself do I want to go down this path of dvarim assurim? Or do I want to stop it in its place? If you catch the thought in the beginning it should be much easier!!

Sometimes we fantasize of how for ex. Masturbation or porn will make us feel and that makes us want it a-lot more.
for those who struggled with for ex.- anxiety (or really any mental health condition) generally know how it feels when the anxiety fades and is cleared up. its an unbelievable feeling feels like the most relaxed body of all time.. 

Now, let me ask you.. would you agree to feel very anxious for a day just to experience that calming pleasure afterword of the anxiety fading? Most normal people wouldn’t agree to such a deal.

However We do the same thing with lust!!!

Most of us on this site are here for a reason because we don’t or didn’t like our current or previous assur behaviors.. we never feel good after falling.. and we know that. So in essence that’s what we’re doing. We’re agreeing to a whole lot of pain and suffering and aveiros and guilt and depressing thought patterns of not being able to keep the Torah properly and get our life together all just to feel a sense of relief through masturbating or porn?? 

We’re basically like the guy who asked for anxiety just to feel the relief afterword! In our brains we make a grave mistake thinking (in this example) it’s worth it to feel anxious the whole day just for that relief afterword! Just like you wouldn’t ask for anxiety to feel relief. So too don’t bring a relief (lust) if you know it’ll cause loads of pain! 

Your straightforward way of laying out your thoughts is very helpful to me. It just makes such logical sense!! Thanks for taking time to put it all out there. I’m definitely a beneficiary. I wish you continued hatzlacha. 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 04 Nov 2022 00:14:

Thank you! That means so much! 
What I do is I like to read all these thoughts over each day and I find it really gives me such strength to keep the battle going. If you’d like you can try that too! 

welcome back ShtarkE!

Hi Mr Shtark. 
I got your PM. However i cant reply as its blocked by me. 
I appreciate your reaching out to me. 
Yes, ive gone to Therapy. It helped a lot. 
I then started the ACT therapy which I believe is the best for me,.
SOmetimes everything becomes too much, Im learning too many things and trying to do so many things at once. and this battle is taking everything out of me. Ive recently gotten a new fear. What if i have very perverted sexual desires? im afraid to be a real sick guy. so im constantly running thru my head making sure im not attracted to this and to that. But its not helping. 
In short, im burned out and exhausted. 

Please feel free to reach out. Many of us have the same desires as you. Your not a creep at all. A creep is someone who doesnt have control over his feelings and cant stop from ACTING on his feelings and desires, not someone who has the desires or feelings. We don't choose our desires and feelings.

And even someone who acts on his desires and has no control, i wouldn't call them a creep. I would call them a poor soul who belongs chemically castrated.

Human being wrote on 02 Dec 2022 06:07:

What people are you suggesting should be chemically castrated?

People who have pedophiliac desires and are unfortunately unable to control them.  Many people have desires that "aren't regular"  Let me tell everyone a secret..... they are regular, we are just embarrassed to share them. We hide them squash them and make believe hey don't exist for fear of someone "exposing us". 

Yes you got it right. Pedophilia (sexual attraction to prepubescents) hemophilia (sexual attraction to post-pubescents teens ages 11-14 )and ephebophilia (sexual attraction to teenagers) are normal FEELINGS. They are not feelings we can ACT on.  
I personally am attracted to only teenagers, (boys or girls) (ephebophilia). Is is nomal. we are just scared to share our feelings and desires because were scared of people thinking we are creeps/molesters etc. You are NOT a creep/molester if you have these FEELINGS or DESIRES. A molester is someone who ACTS on his feelings or desires.

Human being wrote on 02 Dec 2022 06:07:

If a person who acts upon these desires are not a "creep" what is your definition of creep then?