Often we’re caught in a really rough place.. where everything has been building up for whatever reason and it would be really good to get the relief through the assur route! During such times it can really help us to realize that if I stay strong now and even during the hardest of the hard I get through then I’m proving to myself that I’m surely ready for this fight and surely I can get through a typical day in my journey! This will give us a boost to continue and stay strong and not give in to the poison. 

I mention many times that a big component of working through this struggle is building our clarity..
one way to do that is to think to ourselves “how can I be a person who feels throughout my journey what I feel right after a fall”?
“How can I become someone who’s values match their actions”? “What can I do to reach such a place”? Is saying “I’ll skip this website next time” gonna help me? Or perhaps we need to figure out a better system that works with our core? That even if all this garbage is in front of us we don’t budge? If we constantly look through that lens then we will gain the right attitude on this struggle and what level of clarity we can strive to reach! 

Small tip for the chevra: 
in the past I’ve thought that looking down in the street won’t do much for our generation for the people who were exposed! We can think, how much is short sleeves gonna effect me after seeing so much garbage on the internet..?! 
I’ve noticed in my personal life, looking down in the street is much more then just avoiding pritzus! 
It’s telling me that my identity is someone who’s careful! I feel this rush in my body of power and determination when I just simply look down it makes me feel that I’m someone who cares about what I look at! I’m putting my head down now despite what I might have done at other times. I care now. And that’s what matters. And that’s what counts. A LOT! Guys, try it! Tell me if you feel something extra!  

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 21 Mar 2022 04:55:

Thank you for this true important point!
When one makes a geder (fence) , it’s as if he is saying, “I am committed to breaking this cycle, and my proof is that I’m going to make things difficult for myself.” While he can still slip, the geder he instituted nonetheless shows a level of commitment that he is motivated to deal with his problem. Ultimately, if a person has done as much as he could, the result is that he will have more siyata dishmaya and berachah from Hashem.

I’m still looking for the 1 frum guy who is happy and feels good about all the lust he has fed into in his life. Wether it’s having sex with woman or watching videos or the guy who just masturbates without anything else.  The answer is there’s NO ONE! 
We always regret it. There’s no chance we’ll appreciate these assur actions! Therefore, In a time of buildup or desire it’s very crucial to remember this! Get a permitted relief! Call a friend, Go for a jog, or go for a swim. Or the best of all go learn a blat gemara and sing it out loud! And imagine all the malachim cheering you on! 

Golden post from “Hashem Help Me” 

Once someone realizes that sexuality is a celebration of intimacy, and that his bedroom develops into that reality, the need/interest in other women diminishes a lot. When we successfully rewire our thinking from being selfish in the bedroom (while still being nice to our wives), to being giving in the bedroom (while still enjoying it ourselves), we realize in a very deep place that pornography is simply a cheap corrupted version of something immensely greater.  We are human, and we will still have desires, urges, and fantasies. We may somewhat desperately want to experiment with our wives the things that we fantasize about. We will still get triggered when seeing other women on occasion, but it will be different. We also have a lot of imagery seared into our brains from the past that will every once in a while just pop in to our thoughts. However, as time goes on, it won't be overwhelming. Yes, we are human, but we can b'ezras Hashem move further and further away from all of this unhealthy thinking.

Poor planning in this journey is a big one that throws off people! Many of us have so much insight in this battle. We’re invested and we want to get clean yet we just have a hard time making it last long term! I wrote out a list of ideas to help with planning I hope the chevrah finds this helpful! Feedback is welcome

1. A Ratzon is the most important factor in creating change and the strongest tool that’ll help bring that is building our clarity. Therefore, we must ask “do I have a strong foundation of clarity of what I’m trying to implement and how it’s beneficial”?
2. Learn more about yourself: what gets in the way of making this goal easy to reach? Perhaps it’s a time factor? Lack of clarity? Easy access to certain things? Our mindset and view of different ideas?
3. Once we understand #2 then we can avoid the things that get in the way (for example, for some it can be not taking my phone into the bathroom or Shutting it off before I go into bed etc) 
4. We can also create a mechayev on the goal itself AND on the things that get in the way of the goal. (For example, if I don’t review my affirmations of clarity about this journey each night by midnight then i can’t eat breakfast the next morning. one can also add- however, if I make it up before noon the next morning then this penalty is disregarded)
5. Set a specific time to get the activity done. (For ex. I must exercise on Sunday between these times) P.S. exercise helps a lot.
6. Think ahead: what’s gonna keep me going long term? Do I have something to motivate me? What will keep me in place? Will I build my clarity often? (I would suggest some sort of Self-Talk or accountability partner etc. This in itself is a plan and one can use the ideas in this very list to make this tool successful)
7. Create a backup plan. What will be the plan if I mess up with this plan? (For ex. I’ll go jogging Monday morning or I’ll review my affirmations the next day twice or I’ll call an accountability partner etc)

Motivation and clarity booster:

Often before giving in to temptation, we face a fight with two sides. we measure out if it’s worth it to commit a lustful sin based on our clarity (which is often inaccurate) how good will it feel? how will I feel after? Sometimes we think about our ruchnius sometimes not. etc

an important idea to remember is -

That we will forever never regret the opportunity we took for ourselves by staying strong (if we won)! Since, regardless of how I feel now (at the time of contemplating to give in or not) every Jew’s real inner Ratzon is to solely serve hashem and this is the biggest avodas hashem I can reach therefore regardless of how worth it it feels to give in.. the other side of the coin weighs out everything! Because it’s my Ratzon which I’ll always want no matter what!

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 04 Apr 2022 22:44:

Has this worked for you in the past?

Shmuel wrote on 04 Apr 2022 23:20:

It has been in my self-talk. (For more details see link in my sig below) and it really helps me during times I really feel like “why not give in” after tuning out all the bad feelings that would come after… So remembering this very strongly is really a push and a help for me!

Motivation and clarity booster: 
one of the big things we can learn from a fall is the idea that lust doesn’t live up to the hype. It’s so overrated. One can truly tap into and feel the truth that it’s a deep endless pit. If one would remember this before hand it would be so helpful! The truth is we all feel It ourselves! We don’t fall once in our lives and stay content forever rather, we do it again and often again. Because it’s nothing long-lasting! It’s important to remember during lustful times.. I will feel the same in the future as I’m feeling now regardless if I give in or not. the same how it didn’t live up in the past (I see it didn’t because I’m here feeling lustful again) and if i wanted more excitement id need to act out again. so too, giving in to lust now wouldn’t do much for me in a few days id be back in the same feeling. (If not worse)

Gut Moed to all!

A big part of planning is making the excitement and clarity last!

For example, usually after a fall So many of us get stronger filters and make new gedarim and act on our excitement yet we somehow find ourselves falling later on at some point. A big chunk of it is because the day we made new gedarim or we excitingly locked up all the loopholes we had a strong clarity to stay clean and why we want it. It was after we saw that lust didn’t live up, and that it didn’t meet our expectations & that it’s so overrated. Additionally, that it’s a time waster and it hurts our physical emotional and spiritual well-being.. However, eventually it fades and we start to look for the loopholes again when we fall back into the world of fantasy. Because we forget the pain. We lose the clarity and excitement! Until the cycle repeats itself. Let’s finally make the clarity last. Let’s become whole with ourselves! We can do it! Check out the link in my signature below regarding the self-talk idea! It’s an amazing way to making it last!

Amazing post from markZ!! 

“ I wanted to comment on 1 things you wrote - if I may. 

“filter doesn’t work now”

Filters are not designed to “work”. They are designed to be a small fence that catches us - if we wish to allow it to. Sometimes life gets too tough and we prefer to get that ladder and jump over the filter. 

The filter is not broken. 
Rather sometime we are broken, and when that happens, the filter isn’t designed to help us, nor be the guy to put us together again.

Am I making sense?” 

A good place to start in our journey once we’re serious about change is writing down all the contributing factors that are making us fall. With our thoughts and actions! This way we gain a whole collection of insight which eventually leads us to knowing what to take into account when we plan. So many of us plan and then fall into a pit somewhere along the way.. the more we’re aware of those pits the more they can be avoided. Awareness is the foundation of every change.

Small tip :

often we act out because of other draining feelings. If we feel sad and depressed - we feel weaker to fight the fight! We can hear the voice “Let’s just give in. Who cares anyway?” Similarly if we feel anxious or stressed all we wanna do is feel more relaxed..a great way to help this is to validate the stress and the anxiety and realize that it’s what’s causing you to wanna masturbate or sexualize etc. once that’s validated we feel better and get more focused. That’s why it’s important to understand what’s driving us and often things get a lot easier when we validate it to ourselves. Something like “I’m stressed from a long day it’s so hard and draining all I want to do is just masturbate but I know i can feel good too through other ways and in the long run it’s a much better choice” or “I’m really anxious about a few things. I’m reminding myself that it’s normal everyone feels anxious at times I know it’s hard and all I want is to relieve myself with my sexual replacement but I’m reminding myself there’s other replacements that’ll make me feel just as good.”