Yoish, I don't know if you've come back here at all or seen any of our responses, but I can't stop thinking about your posting and struggle. Please keep on fighting this fight.
I think the reason I can't stop thinking about you is because I have two friends, both of whom learned in yeshiva, who are also gay.
Like you they once fought this and waged a mighty battle trying to change. But today, years later, even though they very much love Yiddishkite, mitzvos and learning, they are no longer Torah observant and are fully open and embracing of their homosexuality. One of them is now living with a man and they plan on having a "wedding" later on this year.
I do not judge them as I can't imagine how I would deal with these nisyonos if I had them. I do, however, cry for them, not with tears, but in my heart, that they stopped fighting. That a sense of giving up in this area led to going off the derech altogether for them.
Yoish, keep fighting, man. Even if you have these taivas all your life, and they torment you, and you never can find a woman attractive and get married, I tell you to keep fighting. Just putting up this fight itself gives Hashem nachas ruach and could very well be part of your soul's purpose here on this world.
Please don't end up like my two friends from yeshiva who stopped the fight altogether. I still talk to them and they know I still love them.
I cannot judge them, only their behavior. For the homosexual who cannot change, to be asked to live a life of physical celibacy without a life partner and have the Jewish people become your family is quite possibly the greatest nisayon a person can face.
Please keep fightin Yoish. And davening. And know that your small victories are so precious to Hashem. And that He loves you, and wants you to come close to him by not giving in to these temptations.
In the militant gay pride community they will tell you this is who you are and that you must accept that and be proud and march in the streets proclaiming this in a colorful parade.
No, my friend, gay or straight we are not defined by our taivas. Gay or straight, who we are tempted by sexually is not our identity.
We are defined by our cheilek Eloka, our Godly souls. That's the real us. A neshama that seeks to cleave to Hashem, that's our truest identity.
Please check in with us, holy Yid!!!!
MUCH AHAVAS YISROEL YOUR WAY
