I just lost a 43 day streak, my longest since the pre-COVID days.
It started a day before the Zman began (I.E. Just before Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan), and I got off to a terrific start, but the past few weeks were TORTURE.
As my brain went without dopamine for its longest stretch in over a year, I found myself lusting constantly-especially when alone and/or bored (I've learned that this is normal), but it wasn't limited to those situations-the lust hit even when in the Beis Medrash or learning, which RARELY happens, and here it was happening constantly.
Eventually, home alone late at night and with access to a device that's not mine (so I can't filter it), I fell, and badly. When it was done, I was sitting alone, in a frustrated, depressed, bitter mood wondering "Why does Hashem make it so HARD?! I'm trying so hard to stop-I got up to 43 days!! Must it be so difficult?!"
But then I realized: I knew the answer.
About a month ago, I chanced upon the first book of Rabbi David Ashear's excellent "Living Emunah" series in the BM. I opened it up at random, and staring back at me was the question "Why does Hashem make it so difficult?" The teirutz R' Ashear gave was with a real-life mashal. During Hurricane Sandy, a block of identical homes (both in interior and exterior design) just off the coast was hit. When the storm had passed, it was observed that some of the homes had the trees in their front lawns remain intact, whereas the rest had their trees ripped out by their roots. The obvious question was that being as the houses' front lawns were all the same, and they'd all been hit by the exact same brunt of the storm, what accounted for the difference?
And then they figured it out. The houses that had sprinkler systems had the roots of their trees not run as deep into the ground since they didn't need to dig for the water, it was being provided to them automatically, thus they got ripped out by the storm. The houses that did not have sprinklers had the roots of their trees run much deeper into the ground since they needed the earth's water (as it was not being provided to them otherwise), and thus they kept the tree in place.
Imagine, said R' Ashear, if the trees had feelings. Prior to the storm, those that did not have sprinkler systems would be enormously jealous of those that did-"How come they have it so easy? Why do I have to dig so deep into the ground for my water?" They wouldn't be realizing that in doing so, they only became stronger, and their inner strength would grow for far tougher times.
So too, we that struggle become stronger as we fight. It's not easy because it's NOT MEANT to be. Through our challenges and obstacles, we become stronger in the long haul, more durable for the tougher times down the road when our resolve is tested even further. Once we realize this, it becomes clear that Hashem is truly with us every step of the way.
That was the thought that resonated with me tonight, and I hope it can give chizuk to others as well.
Looking forward to celebrating many victories together,
Fighter With Fire
