I do think this forum is expert opinions rather I am just trying to get other opinions.
Before I ask my question, I will give a general overview of myself. Its good to be general since I am not asking just for myself but rather the entire subject
I am 23 years old and have been struggling with these issues close to 10 years. Things during high school were the worst and my desires blared and I had little tools in my arsenal to fight it. My only hope was yeshiva without any devices and trying to prepare for the long bein hazmanim. Towards the end of high school I started having some success in this area and holding out for long periods of time. I got to 90 days twice and was really making progress. I went to Israel and disconnected myself from technology and was totally clean from any illicit material or masturbation. After a full year clean, I came home and after 3 weeks had fell again. I fell a few more times but it wasn't out of control. I had this sort of thing repeat itself for the 3+ years I spent in Israel. I once had a streak over a year only to blow it towards the end of a summer. Okay, so I was doing okay. I had grown tremendously in yeshiva and was a different person. Then came Corona. And, truth be told, being locked up I didn't fall until about 3 months after being in that situation. It then slowly then speedily spiraled out of control. I finally caught myself around the following elul but it the damage was done. I had returned to high school days and now had more access than ever. The following year was better but I still fell a few times. A streak of 90, a streak of 60, 40, 30; that was my story. The following year came and by now I was 23 and supposed to be dating. I started off with a 85 day streak and then blew it. 5 days later, I fell twice in a day and felt out of control. I have already gone out during that 85 day streak but now I am in a quandary. Do I put this all on hold and get it under control. Don't get me wrong. I am doing a lot (not everything) to help myself. Filtered devices, Taphsic Shvuah, GYE partner where we speak weekly, davening for help, committing not to use other devices and more.
I may even consider therapy although it will be hard to make it happen keeping it private and financially.
What do I do? I am a good bachur. I learn, I have friends and my family and others, although they haven't been down my back about dating, they do expect me to get going. Telling everyone I am taking off for a year or even a few months will get them alarmed and will require explanation. I am not pressed to go out tomorrow, but I need to have a proper outlook on this.
If anyone single or married has or had this dilemma please share your thoughts.
Do I need to share this? How bad am I? I'm usually good but I need to be honest and cannot say I am fully past these terrible behaviors that I got enmeshed in as a stupid teenager?
I am writing a few days after that bad fall and am looking for some thoughts.
Don't be afraid to be harsh.
Thank you.
