Hi everyone on this special site. I have just recently read the book about Rabbi Dr. Twerski- about his last mission in fighting the scourge of inappropriate material. It hit me like a bolt of lighting! Here I am a supposedly frum ''yeshivish'' kollel yungerman, who is simply said a ''mumar l'dovar achas'' and yet not so much anymore l'tiyavon, rather out of rote. I daven (more about that later) three times a day, learn three sedorim etc. but-- I found myself rotten to the core inside. Things that I couldn't have fathomed a few years back had become matter-of-fact r''l. Yet here I am gliding around with daily life as if all was normal. It isn't. The time for real change has come, for myself, for my dear (unknowing) wife, and my precious children. Hineini!

Welcome to the club!

I can relate to everything you wrote.

Hatzlacha!

זאל זיין מיט ברכה

Hi

The chances of you being rotten to the core are very low.

It just feels that way. 

Many of us have been in the same boat. It takes some longer than others to realsie. I didnt even start until I'd been out of kollel for three years.  

Take a look around as there's lots to learn. 

Welcome. You are definitely not rotten to the core. Rotten people (if there exists such a thing) do not come to GYE and post. You are experiencing what many many guys have gone through. Unfortunately your poat could have been written by many fine chevra out there. Hang around here. Read a lot, and connect with the oilam. Iyh you will break free.

The Steipler Gaon with his deep wisdom and understanding of the truth, wrote the following:

הספרים הקדושים מתוך כוונה לעצור בעד החוטא כתבו בביאור עצום איך שע״י זה נחטפים ר״ל זכויותיו [היינו לא עצם זכיותיו אלא ההשפעה ] וקיצרו לבאר צד השני דהיינו אע״פ שכמה פעמים נכשל ר״ל מ״מ אם לעומת זה הרבה פעמים מנצח ומתגבר על התאווה אז באותו פעם שמתגבר על התאווה הבוערת בו באופן נורא הרי הוא ממשיך אור הקדושה על עצמו ועל העולמות באופן קדוש מאוד מאוד, וחלק גדול מאוד מהניצוצות הקדושות [מה שנחטף השפע להס“א] הרי הוא מוציאם ומחזירם לקדושה ואין לשער גודל רוממות קדושת זה האדם הכובש את תאוותו בזמן תוקפו והוא אז בבחינת יוסף הצדיק. והכלל אדם שיש לו מלחמת היצר ופעמים מנצח פעמים נכשל הרי כמו שהחטא נורא ואיום, לעומתו [ע״י שמנצח הרבה פעמים] זכותו הוא נורא ואיום מאד ויזכה עי״ז לתקן בחייו את מה שפגם ולהחזיר לצד הקדושה כל הניצוצות הקדושות שנעשקו ע״י עוונותיו ר״ל.

Like Yosef HaTzaddik Though one has stumbled many times [in these matters], r”l, nevertheless, if many times he has succeeded in overcoming his passion and prevailed over the powerful lust that burned within him, then he has drawn a radiance of holiness upon himself and upon the upper worlds in a very loftyway. He has succeeded in bringing back to the side of holiness many of the sacred sparks that were snatched away by the Sitra Achara [i.e., the Satan]. One cannot measure the exalted level of holiness of this individual who restrained his passion when it burned within him. At that moment, he is like Yosef HaTzaddik. In summation: Regarding someone who is involved in a struggle with his yetzer hara in which he sometimes is victorious and sometimes is defeated, r”l, just as the sin is awesome, so correspondingly [by being victorious many times] his merit is exceedingly awesome, and he will merit through this to repair in his lifetime the spiritual damage. And he will bring back to the side of holiness all the holy sparks that that were snatched away due to his sins

Hi, Welcome, 
please check out the great free resources in my signature below. 

The view of yourself as rotten could be totally off base (not really objective) but your brain's secret plot to give you a reason to keep doing what you are doing (God hates me because I'm rotten etc.) That feeling may leave you if you get clean/sober.

Thank You for the chizuk! Is this in קריינא דאגרתא?   

 יישר כח!

I sent you a private message with my phone number in case you need it later. A lot of people find it helpful to talk to others like themselves.

yes
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