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I just fell so so so low
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I just fell so so so low 219 Views

I just fell so so so low 01 Oct 2021 20:21 #372799

  • Yitzchokj
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I feel like complete garbage. I’ve never done something so bad and I literally hate myself for it.
it was something I never thought I’d do and now I did it. People are telling me to just move on but I feel like I just can’t come back from this. You know how some things are your stronghold? You think “well at least I don’t do that, I’m not that bad”. But now I did do that, I am that bad.
 What now?

Re: I just fell so so so low 01 Oct 2021 20:31 #372800

  • MayanHamisgaber
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Yitzchokj wrote on 01 Oct 2021 20:21:
I feel like complete garbage. I’ve never done something so bad and I literally hate myself for it.
it was something I never thought I’d do and now I did it. People are telling me to just move on but I feel like I just can’t come back from this. You know how some things are your stronghold? You think “well at least I don’t do that, I’m not that bad”. But now I did do that, I am that bad.
 What now?

go for an all new low...
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: I just fell so so so low 01 Oct 2021 20:45 #372801

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Doing bad and being bad are not the same thing. 
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...


"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."

"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."

- General Grant



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: I just fell so so so low 01 Oct 2021 22:36 #372802

  • gettingthere9
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I think you can now put into your GPS
Where to: Home
From where: Rock bottom
Very few really get to experience the moment. Most people only get their act together after the feeling already wears off.
Hatzlachah!
Hope for the best Prepare for the worst

Re: I just fell so so so low 03 Oct 2021 01:46 #372820

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Yitzchokj wrote on 01 Oct 2021 20:21:
I feel like complete garbage. I’ve never done something so bad and I literally hate myself for it.
it was something I never thought I’d do and now I did it. People are telling me to just move on but I feel like I just can’t come back from this. You know how some things are your stronghold? You think “well at least I don’t do that, I’m not that bad”. But now I did do that, I am that bad.
 What now?

Here's some inspiration from The Battle of the Generation: 

The incredible story of the teshuva of Rabbi Elazar ben Durdia is related by the Gemara (Avodah Zara 17a). Elazar ben Durdia was known to have visited every woman of ill repute in the world. Once, he heard of such a woman who lived far away. He amassed a bag of gold coins and traveled across seven rivers to reach her. When she met him, this woman recognized his depravity and told him that he would never be accepted back in teshuva. Struck by her statement, he ran out of the house.
    Elazar sat between two mountains and valleys. He cried out, “Mountains and valleys, beg for mercy on my behalf!” The mountains and valleys declined his request. He then asked the heavens and earth to beg mercy for him, but he was turned down again. He called out for the sun and moon to plead on his behalf, and they too refused. He begged the stars and constellations for help, and he was rebuffed once again.
    Finally, Elazar said to himself, “It all depends on me!” He sobbed bitterly over his sins until he died. At that moment, a heavenly voice proclaimed, “Rabbi Elazar ben Durdia is ready to enter Olam Habba.”
    When Rebbe (Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi) heard this, he cried and said, “Some people acquire their portion in the World to Come over many years, while others acquire their portion in one minute!” Rebbe continued, “Not only do they accept those who repent [in Heaven], they even call them ʻRabbi!’”
    There is a lot to learn from this story. Let’s start by examining what caused Elazar ben Durdia to do teshuva. What changed? Before this woman told him that he wouldn’t be accepted back in teshuva, didn’t he know that what he had been doing his whole life was wrong? Of course he knew Hashem didn’t like promiscuity, but that did not stop him from acting as he pleased. What changed now? What woke him up and caused him to change his life?
    Rabbi Shafier (Shmuz 3: “Yom Kippur: The Power of Teshuva,” www.TheShmuz.com) answers that Elazar realized he had hit rock bottom. When that sinful woman made her remark, he understood that he had fallen lower than he’d ever thought possible, certainly lower than where he was comfortable viewing himself. That shocking realization broke through all his rationalizations, waking him up and enabling him to see clearly. Not liking where he saw himself brought him to tears, and he turned around immediately. Of course, Hashem accepted his teshuva; Hashem eagerly awaits the repentance of even the most sinful people because of His tremendous love for all His children.
    For many people, there comes a point in their lives when they overstep their bounds and do what they never thought they would stoop to do. The shock and regret they feel afterward is searing. It is vital that they respond properly to this pain because this moment is the most critical moment of their lives. In that instant, they can decide to see past their rationalizations and change, or they can defend their decisions instead.
Unfortunately, no matter how they respond, it will be painful. Whether they commit to act differently or try to deny their mistakes, they cannot completely quell the agonizing realization that they have done something wrong. Deep down, they know they failed, and that feeling is excruciating.
    But there is a way for a person to mitigate much of this pain, and that is by saying to himself, “I will make this the most productive thing that ever happened to me because I am going to use it to change my whole life! Years from now, I am going to look back and realize that all I have become is because of what happened today, and that had it not happened, I probably would have continued to plummet further instead. I am going to become a different person and reach greatness because of what happened!” Making what happened productive by deciding to turn around because of it eases the sting of regret like nothing else can. Best of all, it is a huge shortcut on the road to self-control. It enables us to attain lasting change much faster than usual.
    Of course, we must also remember that teshuva completely wipes away our sins as if we never did them.  Once we repent, we no longer have to feel down about what we did. We can take comfort in the knowledge that our error has been erased and move on.

(Link to book is below in my signature)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: I just fell so so so low 03 Oct 2021 02:10 #372822

Yitzchokj wrote on 01 Oct 2021 20:21:
I feel like complete garbage. I’ve never done something so bad and I literally hate myself for it.
it was something I never thought I’d do and now I did it. People are telling me to just move on but I feel like I just can’t come back from this. You know how some things are your stronghold? You think “well at least I don’t do that, I’m not that bad”. But now I did do that, I am that bad.
 What now?

I don't know, but thank you for sharing. I'm no better off than you are. Wherever we are we can be there together. Maybe for each other's sake we'll roll up our sleeves and keep going.

Re: I just fell so so so low 05 Oct 2021 01:27 #372924

The one thing you can't do is change the past. That is no longer your Avodah. Right now you are still alive and kickin'. The future is still in your hands.
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