Hi all,
I dont really know how to start this question... I'll try my best to be clear.
I can't just be... I can't just live... I can't just be at peace in the moment....
I am always thinking and living in my own head...
I'll always do, but not live in the moment, I'll be last minute to everything, as long as I dont need to think about it I'll just stay in my own reality, and not live the real one... I cant be 10 minutes early to a minyen... I'll just run in last minute, so I just do and I'm over... no need to think... I cant just sit and relax... my mind needs to have what to be busy with... 

I read alot here and in other places and I can put my problem in almost each and every one of them, accepting myself, want others approval, selfish, control, etc etc I seem to have each and every one of them... 
I tried already to work on each of them, but it just helps me live more in my own head... and then I get tired of my head, I just need to get out of it... and then I'll use am escape, sometimes lust, sometimes its politics and news, and any other idea until it gets boring...
but i cannot help myself, I can sit and discuss and understand all of my issues, but it wont help me, it's still In my own head... 
when I find a new "idea" or concept in myself, I just get obsessed with it, I live it the entire day, I love it and feel great, until... I get tired of living in constant thinking... of living in my own head...
and I just cant just live, I will do all my obligations when i must, I'll go to the bank in the last minute, I'll come to my chavruseh 5 min late. I can sit and be busy with anything as long as  it keeps my mind busy with ideas etc, just not think practical and in reality.
I wanna just be happy, live easy, stop understanding myself and everything around me, stop escaping reality and start enjoying it... 
If it sounds alittle crazy to you, its because it is... can anyone relate or has any ideas??

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Youngster wrote on 07 Dec 2020 21:23:

I can relate to most of this. Two questions that may help.

1. Have you ever shared these feelings with anyone (real)? Do you have a close friend who you share things with in general?

2. Do you in general refrain from sharing your shortcomings and struggles with anyone. Meaning are you afraid that others may think less of you if only they knew and therefore don't share anything when you are going through a rough time? (wife doesn't count here)

Sharing these feelings with someone real usually helps us put things into perspective, helps us understand that we are just normal regular guys. Keeping it all inside leads us to overthink everything. My Rosh Yeshiva always tells me "you have to stop thinking! Make a healthy plan, stick to it, and know that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing". The best way to make a plan too is with a good friend or mentor who can give you an objective approach.

There is lots, but this is enough for now, let me know what you think. 

Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 08 Dec 2020 05:14:

Thanks for your reply!

No I dont share those feelings, I bh have alot of friends, but not on the sense of sharing emotions, shortcomings etc.

you ask if I dont share because I'm scared about their views on me. So first as I said I dont have such kind of friendships, (again, I have alot of good and close friends, but we are not really focused on deep conversations....)
but yes im very self conscious, I have a fear of not being understood well, I dont like to be vulnerable. I dont like to speak from myself at all.

Youngster wrote on 07 Dec 2020 21:23:

Hi,

​Oh boy, I can very much relate, you described me in full colors. 

Youngster wrote on 08 Dec 2020 14:43:

Well then, I guess the question is if that is something you want to think about doing. There is nothing like sharing your emotions with a close friend but more importantly, there is no one who can give good advice like a real and close friend. 

Sooooooo, maybe it's time to get past the hump and find a friend or two, who you are really close with and you really care about each other to shmooze about the dark sides of life as well.

Sharing the real you can be extremely liberating, it will help you see the real you, be able to live with the real you and understand what to expect from him.  

Thank you so much!

Just to clarify, what do you feel is the underlying issue here, that this is the solution.
(I cannot figure this out on my own, I have 5 explanations and i can debate each side of them, but all in my head....)
and what should I discuss? Should I just sit down and tell him all my shortcomings in general, or you mean this problem? 
Thanks for clarifying. 

Youngster wrote on 08 Dec 2020 19:32:

That's exactly why you need someone else's  .

I cannot tell you what the underlying issue is, all I can say is that you are the last person who can about yourself. This is the reason why sharing is so important, it's not the final solution, it's the beginning of it. 

You say that you are living in your own head, why? I don't know or even really care about right now, what matters is that you get out of your head and the way to do that is to share what's going on inside with others. This works because you don't have to have the conversations with yourself anymore, never knowing which side is right etc. instead, when talking to a friend, you only have to argue your side, and your not talking to yourself all day.

The issue may or may not be caused by having difficulty sharing our own struggles but it can be a solution regardless.

As far as who to share with, make sure it's someone who wont burn you later on, this has happened one too many times. It can be a sibling or parent if that works but I think a close friend who can relate to you in general (obviously doesn't have to have your exact struggles because of course no one else struggles with the things you do, right?  ). A real trustworthy friend is someone who puts your needs before his, a giver. There are unfortunately, people who will listen to your problems only to pump their own ego, stay away from those. As far as spouses are concerned, I've heard and read from many experts that your wife is not your therapist. 

Completely random but on this note, I once heard something really cool, if you want to figure out who gives genuinely and who gives only for their own benefit you can do this little test. Ask them to name five people who they have helped succeed. If they name five people of lower standard then themselves then you know they are genuine. If they name only people of higher status, then you know they are in it for themselves.


You discuss anything that goes on in your head that you find yourself having these long conversations inside without any conclusions.

For example, something that's relevant to my stage right now is how long to stay in learning and if I stay, should I switch to halachah, try to get semichah? Or maybe I should go to a daf yomi chaburah to finnish shas? or maybe I should do night classes to make college quicker... I can go on and on but one thing I know is that I will never figure any of this out on my own. The problem is that these things really make a difference in my life and therefore every time I think about them they stress me out. So instead I need to have a nice shmooze with a friend, not to answer all the question rather to get them out of my head. He may just listen, or tell me not to worry about what's going to be 2-3 years down the line or whatever, the concept is to have these conversations with someone else instead of yourself.


Yeah, like the rest of us. The first thing to know is that if you are careful to find the right person (genuine, caring, puts your needs first etc.) you don't have to worry as much. But the second is that people who overcome their fear of being vulnerable are much happier.

Now how do we do that?

The answer is by believing that we are worthy even with our shortcomings. Working on understanding that we are just average and so is everyone else and that's okay. Understanding that anyone who seems to be perfect is only showing half a story. realizing that perfection is not a goal. (Yes, shleimus is the ultimate goal but no one gets there by portraying themselves as perfect.) The reason why it's so hard for us to open up is because we think others will judge us that same way we judge ourselves. (And others, by the way. I read somewhere that happy people aren't judgmental and that people who are judgmental are only so because that's how they view themselves)

Once we feel worthy with our shortcomings, we can share without any shame.

If you want to hear all about this concept read some of Brene Brown's books or watch her TED Talk (I hope that's okay).

Here is also a cute music video from 8th day if you are interested.

I hope this helps, Keep us posted!

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Thank you very very much!! I really appreciate!

And... I've set up to talk to someone I trust today iyh....

Thanks again!

I have the exact same problem. It may be rooted in a certain arrogance or it could be OCD related so a therapist MAY be able to help. Try taking a moment to enjoy the sun or nature without thinking too much. Good luck!