anonymousmillenial wrote on 28 Nov 2020 20:06:
I can relate to your feelings.
It really is tough sometimes, having to carry ourselves through each day when we're just not feeling 'it'. Every day is another drag. And when I am in a rut, I feel like this is going to last forever, and I keep on asking, when is this going to finish.
I am no expert, but some things that have helped me in the past.
1) When feeling down, as hard as it might be, get out of your shell. Stop thinking about yourself. Rather focus on the world outside of you. Help someone else. Think about what someone else might need, and do them a favor. Be busy.
Have a no thinking day, rather more of a doing day. Go out for a walk, do some exercise.
2) You don't need to accomplish something big in order to feel good with yourself. You davened shacharis? Great! Beautiful! You davened with a minyan? Even more beautiful! You learnt something today? Wow! Do you give yourself as much credit for the good things that you do, the same way you're beating yourself up when doing something bad? No? You're not being fair to yourself.
Learn to appreciate the small things. You are much better than you think you are. You can allow yourself to be proud of yourself even for the small things.
3) No one is perfect. Yes, even you and I aren't. And guess what? We'll never be perfect. Learn to accept yourself with all your flaws. It's ok. Hashem doesn't expect you to be perfect either. You have so many great qualities. Do you know at least five? If you don't, start making a list. What are your passions and hobbies? What are the things you enjoy doing, the things that give you emotional energy? Do you spend time doing them?
I, when feeling in a rut, sometimes just turn on the music and dance. Freestyle mode.
4) Be your best friend. Talk nicely to yourself. Leave out all the 'shoulds' , 'musts' , 'always' ,... You're doing your best and that's what matters. Yes, we can always do better, but that shouldn't hold us back from appreciating who we are and the good we've done. We end up focusing so much on what we must do that we never see what've done already.
Another problem is that we measure our successes by results so when the results aren't up to our expectations, we feel bad. But truth be told, our success is not measured by the results, rather by our effort. And for me sometimes, it is really hard to make that effort, so if I do make it, even if the results aren't great, than that is also ok.
Also if we focus on results, we end up comparing ourselves to others. And that can be really toxic, because at the end of the day, we are not them. We have our koiches and our challenges and they have theirs.
The point is: you are so much more than you think you are. You might not see it, but it's a fact. For heaven's sake, you're created in the image of Hashem! You're a prince!! And there is nothing you can do about that to change it. Embrace it.
IY"H, this rut you're in now, is only a temporary thing and I truly believe that you'll make it through. Keep it up.
Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it.
I really like what you wrote, it's really nice. Here are my thoughts on what you wrote.
1) I think this is the key. It's not so much fake it till you make it or watching a comedy show, rather actually doing something productive but different. Doing something that will really give me a boost emotionally like giving to someone else. You also suggest no down time which I think is key for someone with low self esteem, no time to think about how awful I am.
2)Working on this but a constant struggle. As someone with low self esteem, I struggle to see how anything that's not perfect is worth it. Yeah I know it sounds ridiculous but it's the world I live in. You can call me a perfectionist, I don't know.
3) I guess this is the same as #2 in reverse. I know my qualities, I know what I am capable of, part of the issue actually. I am smart in the sense that I can learn very well (in what's considered a very good Yeshiva) I have a grasp on concepts that many have a hard time understanding. People like me (when I let them get close
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
). In secular studies too I am above average. I take care of myself, I exercise, go biking, can do more in the gym then most people with my BMI. I know that am a good husband and father, that I am respectful to others and care for them. I know that I am a good person I now need to feel it too.
Here is the thing, all these things aren't goals in my life and therefore don't bring me any satisfaction. Is the way to proceed making these things my goals?
About passions and hobbies, this is a sore topic. There is one thing that I am very passionate about that for whatever reason I have not been able to pursue recently and this causes me some stress. I know there are other things like working out but as a perfectionist, I tend to obsess with working out when it becomes a goal (normal: 3-4 times a week 45 min.-60 mins. obsessive: 6 times a week 1.5-2.5 hours).
I have many hobbies but none of them give me satisfaction. I like to try things that people think are too hard to do. Many related to food which all leave me empty. Making beer, which is fun and rewarding (accomplishing something that most people wouldn't even try) but in the end it doesn't make me happy. I am thinking of starting a beer gemach with all my beer, probably a good idea anyway because I have way too much beer to drink. I guess a beer gemach can bring me satisfaction from this hobby.
I guess the concept here is that pursuing hobbies that increase selfishness and physical pleasure leave a person feeling empty but when channeled towards chessed, the same things can bring satisfaction.
4) I think "doing your best in the moment" or "doing what Hashem wants from you right now" instead of based on yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows goals, sums this up nicely.
Thanks again for your reply, I plan on posting soon about how I am implementing these and other things into my day.