Hey bro - how are you?

Thank G-d doing well. 27 days clean. Thanks for asking. I am staying off onlysimchas and not frum news sites. This really has been helping me alot. I think that went I let myself look at those sites I knew I could still see something I do not want to(unclean) and because of that I was lusting more during the rest of the day. That is I knew I would see something so my urge for lust was aware that it would get a little so it wanted allot.

Hey HY,

good to hear youre doing well. Its not enough to just be Sur Merah, we have to be Aseh Tov as well! Here's a little random Chizuk (for myself as well): The pasuk in Perek 15 of Tehillim says:

הוֹלֵךְ תָּמִים, וּפֹעֵל צֶדֶק; וְדֹבֵר אֱמֶת, בִּלְבָבו

Who residesin the tent of Hashem and who dwells in the sanctuary of Hashem?ֹ

1) The one who walks perfectly, the Sur Merah.
2) The one who does righteous things, the Aseh Tov.
3) And the one who speaks Emes on his heart. Whats Emes? TORAH! (see Esther Rabbah on "emes ve'shalom")

Talmud Torah Keneged Kulam, but you also need the first two things.

Have a great day!

-Yiddle

Fantastic - you saw through your motives for going there, and cut yourself off from an unhealthy lusting activity!

Rock on!

GUYS I AM GOING HOME FOR BAIN HAZEMANIM SOON. PLEASE SHARE WITH ME ADVICE THAT HELPS YOU IN UNSTRUCTURED TIME. THANKS

A few nights ago I was at a friends house and in the room I was staying he had a magazine  that was bad for my living. I had very strong urges and thought I would fall. I ran through all my tricks but non helped. I then pulled out my cell phone which has web access ( which is a bad thing) and I read through old chizuk emails. That got my thinking back in order and I went to sleep. Special thanks to Dov for always be willing to mercilessly share the truth with us.

Wow awesome HY,

Its is often the thing that can kill us (internet access on the phone), that can pull us out when we need it. Thats what a yid does, taking the bad and making good use of it!

have a great Shabbos!

-Yiddle

I am glad someone reads my posts. Thanks Yiddel it helps me

I was 45 days clean and then I fell. I will post later about why. I think I am ok. I don't think I will keep falling.

Hey HY,

This is something you can do. You can pull yourself out of this funk. I know this because if I can do it you surely can. You keep inspring me bro.

-Yiddle

Back to my story.

I was 45 days clean and I let down my guard.
After a fall I  try to ask myself
"what could I have done that would have prevented me from falling"?

Answer: I am now home for bain Hazmanim and I did not stay focused on Hashem and I did not have a strong schedule. I felt I could use a few days to chill out. But that really got to me because I need to feel I am productive to stay clean.I felt bored and fell. So that is a lesson I learned the hard way. Yes less structure but MAKE sure I have some.


I will say I learned much on my second long clean streak. I learned recovery is not about stay away from shimutz it is about healing and learning how to live.

That is a lesson for life and a way of life. It changes my values and goals.

I do not even feel mad at myself at the moment. i realize I stopped living and the price of that is falling. beginning tomorrow I will have a morning seder and a night seder. 

One question I have a computer with k9 and the password will soon be with the gabai. but my parents have computers without filters. I know I should only use my own but now that I fell I am not as strong and am afraid I will be tempted to use their computers. looking for ideas. Also one has k9 but on mine I blocked all pictures.

Beg your parents to allow the filter while you are home...
(Use tears  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(if necessary...)

After many months on this site I finally gave the password for my filter to someone else. It is still very hard for me to accept that I had to do this. I am not sure why. I guess this is the morning stage that comes after denial. Any thoughts.

I have learned one thing is my last clean streak. Counting days is not about staying clean it is about growing during these days. At this moment this is helping a little to get me out of the mud.