Hi I am alive. I am past 90 days, through the Hand of God, so I am starting a new tread for myself and my friends.

I still don't accept that I am an addict or even if I am an addict I do not accept myself as a full fledged one. Because of that I do not always take all the precautions other people on this site take. I want to diverge for a second and say that I respect all those who do take those precautions I just like to believe that I can get away with less. Anyways I felt that I should be מחזק in עיניני קדושה so I spent a week acting as though I was a fully addicted addict with almost zero resistance.

I was very careful about what I saw outside, when I used the web and what non Jewish stuff I looked at and so on. I discovered a shocking thing. That after the week I was calmer and felt more in control of my life.

Maybe I'll pretend to be an addict long term.

Mazal Tov on the 90 days!!

The WOH shows you reached 90 days on Nov 1.

My records show that cleareyes613@gmail.com was your sponsor for $90. I will let him know! Mazal tov and thank you!

Can you write us up a little about your journey (how you fell in and what tools you used to get out?)

As far as being a real addict or not, what do you think of the clip on this page?
rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1375.0

I highly suggest you continue acting as if you're an addict. First of all, because the power of these desires can suck almost ANYONE in, in an instant, if we are not careful. See the Gemara Kiddushin (80a-81a) where Hashem demonstrated the power of the Yetzer Hara to some of of the Tanoim who had felt powerful over it and belittled it's influence: The Gemara relates that the Satan presented himself to R' Akivah as a seductive woman in a treetop. He became so inflamed by her that he was unable to resist, and he started to climb the tree so he could sin with her. Halfway up the tree, the woman turned into the Satan and said: "If it wouldn't be that it had been said in the Heavens to respect R' Akivah and his teachings, I'd take your life!". A similar story is recorded with R' Meir swimming across a river to sin with a woman, and upon reaching the halfway point, the woman turned into the Satan, rebuking him with those same words.

Besides for that, we all have the Mitzva of Kedoshim Tehiyu - regardless of whether we are real addicts of not!

Keep up the great work!

A Holy Yid is a Holy Yid regardless if he sees himself as an addict or not!!!!! In addition being an addict is not so bad, what’s wrong with being addicted, to GYE, the Ribono Shel Olam, Kedusha, Potato Kugel est…..

guardureyes wrote on 18 Dec 2009 11:28:


I did not mean I do not believe I am an addict I meant that I don't accept it. So to get past my defenses I took to acting like one and it really helped.

Regrading having a sponsor. There was a very dark moment where one of the only things that held me back from falling was knowing that GUE would loose $90.

To reach 90 one thing that I found very important is to view being clean as a gift. Stand in awe of the fact that I am doing this and really respect.

Also when I feel my life is falling apart and the stress is building I try to really turn to Hashem and really ask for help.

When I started I would be clean for a few days and then fall. My 90 days started when I went away for a few days on vacation and did not have web access. While away I spent the whole time sycing myself up to stay on the web for three days after I came came back. I held out for those three days and that was the turning point.

I will try to post more in coming days

Thanks for sharing... We'd love to hear MORE...




I'm sorry, I didn't understand this line. Can you explain please? Thanks.

guardureyes wrote on 19 Dec 2009 19:33:

I think he means to say "psycing". As in getting yourself excited about something.

psyching? ok... but for what? To sin or stay clean? I'm confused...

I think he meant to write OFF the web for 3 days after he came back. This way he had his vacation time and 3 more days, and he felt this was a turning point. i guess well find out forsure when he explains. ;D

I think he meant to write "off" instead of "on".

Uhhh...helllllllllllllloooooooooooooooo......guard??...........did you read what i wrote???

I think he means he was thinking the whole time about how much he wanted to use the web for certain zachin, and then when he got home - he managed to hold himself back. And that was (very understandbly) a major breakthrough for him.

I feel very honored that my thoughts are a matter of such interest to you all.

Now, to rephrase and explain. While away on vocation I PSYCHED myself up to stay OFF the web for three days.

I came back very determined to stay away from the computer. I stayed off for three days and then used the web only minimally after that. When I started here the web was too much part of my life. It consumed too much of my focus. When I did not have what to do I just went online and surfed the web. I had to break that focus. I had to get the web out of my focus.

Here is a link to my 90 day thread.
rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=676.0
 

Another thing that helps me is to feel that people here care about me. Every email from Reb Guard is because he cares. I try to think about that. I have a few guys I chat with on gmail and I know they care and that really helps also.

Reading the daily emails help. They reinforce the perspective we need to take to this challenge and remind me of what my YH might like I forget.

Posting on other threads is giving. Giving helps. Posting also helps me realize areas I should focus on. While I am reading someone else's post I sometimes have a 'AH' moment and I realize that I need to be more careful or sometimes I think "hey this guy is really think funny stuff about himself". Those thoughts can cause him allot of trouble. Then I can think if I think those thoughts also.

Holy Yid wrote on 20 Dec 2009 02:22:

I wish I could post a link to a giant thumb going "uuuuhhhhh!! Azoy iz pshat!!"
Maybe Bruce Wayne can help us there.