Hey HY!
So great to hear about your 90 days!
May you continue growing michayil lichayil!
Thanks for linking this thread in your previous one,
I don't know if I would have found it so soon w/o the link.

A very holy yidale indeed!!

imtrying25 wrote on 19 Dec 2009 22:10:


Woops, didn't see that. Baruch Shekivanti!

Reb Guard,

I cannot find my name anywhere on Hashem's Wall of Honor. I know there have been problems with it in the past. I would greatly appreciate if I was up there.

Thanks in advance.

guardureyes wrote on 20 Dec 2009 13:48:
with that feathery thing blocking your eyes no wonder you didnt see. ;D Another sacrifice for shemias einayim, i guess.

I am having a hard night. I think I got too  haughty about my current streak. I also was having an off shabbos and I had very little structure. I think that even spending allot of time here, if I do not have a stronger focus, can reignite lust. Does anyone agree?

Well I guess it depends what else you would have been doing. If your alternative was to learn or play ball - then maybe. But if you didn't have anything else planned, and were going to end up watching southpark all night, then I think you actually saved yourself a lot of anguish by being here.
And yes, growing haughty can cause the lust feelings to come back. It basically is implying that one doesn't recognize how much H-shem saved him, and thinks he did it on his own. That's a fall on it's own - even if no lusting happens because of it. So it's not that the lust feelings are 'given to him as a penalty', rather the special help from H-shem (which he earned through his struggle) is removed, his original lust feelings are once again revealed, and he is thereby shown his need to rely on H-shem.
The feelings of pride are a dirty trick by the Y"H, which he employs when he sees one isn't falling for the standard ("You must watch") technique.

Holy Yid wrote on 20 Dec 2009 21:52:

Hi I am the admin for the woh chart.  I just checked and you are on the chart. Here is the link.  You are number 9 on the chart.

Tonight, less than one hour ago, I fell after 139 days clean. I am very sad but trying not to beat myself up. I grew allot over the last 4 and half months. I will look at where I should have been more cautious and make fences. On the positive side I can earn GUE another $90.

I will admit that once I fell I did not care to stop myself from falling again because it is the same day in my count.

I have grown allot since I came here and one thing that I feel now is that I wont go to bed hating myself only very sad.

I cut many corners over the last 4 months. I compared out when I should have compared in. Now I have to face that.

I am proud that I admitted that I fell. I was trying to rationalize it as not really being a fall.

The bottom line is that I am humbled by the force inside of me.

I love you all.

Put me in the running for the next $90. I am starting now but the avodah of now is to reflect.

From now on-
1.Better filters
2.I thought I no longer had to keep other rules I have about where and when to use web.
3. I also did not have structure today.

This whole post is some what of a ramble but I am writing as it comes to mind.

Tonight I learnt where I am holding and I am working to accept it. From now on I will have be more cautious and think much more like a recovering addict.

I really need to review the hand books.

I don't mean to sound like a flake but once Chanuka was over I felt a little down and I was not trying as hard. But of course this is not an excuse.

OK, your in an extremely vulnerable state right now. So do yourself a favor and forget about the fall for a week. Right now, you gotta look at your fall with a most cold and uncaring attitude. All your focus should be on now is not to fall again. All your guards are down now, because atzvus paralyzes all the strenghts of the neshamah. In a week you can think about what happened and where you need to work on in your inner being. Those thoughts however should be off limit to you for now.
You have to literally pretend this didn't happen if you want to minimize the blow. Just block everything out and ignore it for now, focus on how to block up all paths to falling again, and when your back to your right mind - you can do some soul searching and fix this thing.

139 DAYS?? ?? ?? FELL SHMELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No need to feel sad. we are not meant to be perfect. Like i once said; Life is like climbing a mountain, you gotta look down to see how much youve accomplished, but you gotta look to see how much more there is to do. Look down holy yid, Look down and youll see 139. 139! Heck thats alot of mountain climbing. Your not at the bottem. even though you fell, your 139 days up this mountain called life. To Hashem every second counts, and thats 12,009,600 seconds. And those hashem hold near and dear to him, no matter how many times you fall.

Holy Yid wrote on 21 Dec 2009 08:06:


We love you too!

Sounds like you know where you're at and you're handling this well.
As was said, 139 is a huge accomplishment and you are continuing on in your journey.
B'hatzlacha with your new goals.

Like you said so eloquently, one of the most powerful and beautiful things that we can take out of a fall (after a long clean streak) besides for brushing up on our defenses and strengthening our barriers, is simply the humility that we get when we realize that in spite of how well we were doing, we were able to fall - just like that. And that humility renews our kesher with Hashem because we once again feel how much we NEED HIM and are dependent on His constant mercy and help.

This kesher is priceless, and sometimes for that alone, Hashem brings a Tzadik to fall.

Always remember you are still a Holy Yid.
Bing that you already paved the way (or shoveled the snow) the climb back up will be much, much easier.

Thank you, all of you for your kind words. I plan to post my new rules soon.

Question for the guys who have been sober for a while- how do I counter complacency?
I have rules and had I stuck to them I would still be sober now. I felt I had been clean for soooo long that I could loosen up the rules a little. You'll say don't ever cut back on rules. Great, but my mind says "you are hardly ever tempted anymore, you don't need these. Maybe they do but your fine with less". I have learnt the hard way that is a BIG FAT LIE, but I cannot be certain the something else wont pop into my head. I am already trying to forget that I fell and tell myself I that I don't really need to stick to rules.

I have had 3 or 4 partners already but I lost contact with them (some stopped writing, one got rid of web in house) so I don't know about the partner thing and I don't have the time to commit to being a sponsor.

I know that coming back to this post will help.

I need to remain committed to sticking to my rules, but the $64,000 question is what can I do to do that?

I fell again. I am only writing this because I don't want to and honesty is good.