to be honest I don't feel worth to be in the company of people like you who are steamrolling through this and I am wallowing in mud.

Holy Yid,

You are wallowing right now but know that you have picked yourself up before and you can pick yourself up again. Yes, falling is lonely. But rising up again and dealing with the fact that you fell can be a tremendously uniting experience. I get chizuk just from knowing that I am not alone in this and that we are doing this together.

Stay Strong. Believe more in yourself so that I can start believing in myself also.

No one steamrolls thru this stuff. It's like Buz Lightyear said: "I'm not FLYING, I'm FALLING with STYLE!!"

A positive attitude MAKES it look easy, but it is ANYTHING but easy. Even the 12 Step program calls itself "Simple, but not Easy".

We're Human, and Male, which mean Hashem has hardwired us to have certain drives, and the amazing capacity to make mistakes. But remember I MADE A MISTAKE, not I AM A MISTAKE. Thats the key to success (one of them, anyway...). We have to get out of our self-pity mode, forget the mistake, and MOVE FORWARD.

remember you REALLY ARE what you say you are: A HOLY YID.

have a GREAT SHABBOS!!!

fell again. I know the things I need to do to get out of this whole but I don't want to. I am just sharing.

My thoughts are with you all the way from south Africa, just don’t let the yetze harah tell you that you useless.  You may feel terrible now but we who are not in your situation and can therefore look at it objectively, objectively know that you are a tzadik!

Holy Yid wrote on 11 Apr 2010 08:55:


You KNOW that you CAN do this.
And that you'll WANT to, soon enough.
And that the guys here will give some aid if they can & you ask.
We'll wait [tic, toc, tic, toc].
Just let us know.

Thanks for the responses. Right now I feel in the dumps. I am feeling very knocked out and lathargic. I know I am in "the haze zone" that comes with acting out but I also do not have a focus on something else. I will make goal for today and do some things I enjoy.

Fell again.

I am pround that I am commit to be honest and open about my falling. I think this is the first step out of the mud.

I also realize that even though I do not have an interest I must foorce myself to do thing I enjoy.

Holy Yid wrote on 11 Apr 2010 15:27:


Yeah, it's a bummer to have to deal with the haze zone that I assume is depression, at the same time as the arousals (physical & emotional) of lust. Been there; done that; I might even be there today except I'm too distracted to recognize a depression....

But you've got some guys here posting that they see you on the other side of 'all this.' Maybe that's a decent kick-in-the-pants for moving on to the other side. You'll do it. Not because we're egging you on but because YOU want it.

Holy Yid wrote on 12 Apr 2010 07:56:


thata boy! distract yourself with things you enjoy remain positive... you will enjoy remaining positive "you are going to like the way it feel i guarantee it"

Holy Yid wrote on 12 Apr 2010 07:56:


Force enjoyment....
I wouldn't know how to do that....

Stick around and keep on posting.....

P.s. what are some of your underlying dynamics...?
You said that there is a part of you that finds it hard to change... why?

(Simply curious... Not judging....)

holy yid -

WOW !

you are SOOOOOOOOO lucky you fell into the mud!

this is the ONLY place where growth can occur. The Mud nurishes, and provides life.

when the acorn falls, there is a precariuos point where hte acorn disolves into nothingness - niether a tree nor an acornn anymore. Its the way of the world - ssomething from nothing.

at somepoint the acorn decides to be a tree - and gets through all the obsticles in its way.

It is soooooo good you feel in the mud verus the dry lifeless sand!

all it takes is a decision - and you can rise up above the nothingness.

dov in israel

I am back in Yeshiva doing well. Posting is harder here but that is a blessing- NO WEB- I think about all of you. KOT

bhatzlacha

Much luck my Holy brother, keep in touch while you can. But most importantly shteig away!!