I am at the point where I admitt I am powerless to stop myself and I really hate what this does to my life but I can't commit to Chain Dovid's call, can't afford therapy and don't want to risk SA. Does that mean it does not hurt enough?

Guys at the moment I am clean but I don't really care to be clean. I am feeling down about my future and don't really care about staying clean. Also I know falling will block out the feelings I am having now. Suggestions?

at moment I truely do not have streghth to fight but I gave up the fight ( and allot of other worries also) to Hashem. I do not have urges at the moment but I also don't have much chaisek for much else.

Holy Yid,

When you don't care to be clean think of what brought you to this forum in the first place. You want a "clean" and pure relationship with Hashem and, at times when you are clean, think of that and appreciate the purity of the relationship you have.

Learn some Torah, teach Torah to others and realize how much better it feels, how much sweeter the Torah is when you are learning or teaching it "clean".

You will soon realize how much you do care to stay clean and how important it is to you.
Gitten Moed. Hatzlocha,
Dovek

read my old posts. saw that falling leaves me  in haze and I hate the haze so I will live with pain and not go for haze.

I have an inspiration to really improve. Right I am avoiding triggers as much as possible. No going on sites with pictures unless I block images, no reading articles with any sexual content. Being focused on doing things I enjoy and things that wear me out. I have been reading bards old threads and I am humbled by the giant's first steps

keep it up tzadik!

Remember to enjoy the day, (go outside we can get Slurpees now  :D)
It may help to take your mind off the struggle

I plan major jogging, got to get the yom tov weight off!

Holy Yid wrote on 04 Apr 2010 06:00:


Wow. Priceless.

Briut- thanks.

Guys I fell again. I admit it I AM POWERLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Problem- I don't feel I am heading anywhere in life. I am unsure about my future, what I want to do. I tried to broach it with my Rebbe and did not feel he was taking me seriously. I think this is part of my problem. If I had clear direction I would be more motivated to stay clean and I would enjoy life more. That would loop back and help motivation.

I make goal, have things I want to do etc but either I don't or I procrastinate till I do very little of it and am not happy with it.

I was really enjoying being clean  I was more open to life etc, davening learning was much better I was clamer, bu alas.

I doubt you guys can help me with life issues but I thank you for listening.

I just fell again.

and again. Even though no one commented on my long post it helped me to get it off my chest.

Stick with it Holy Yid.

Just as we fall together, we can start to rise together. I am in the middle of my second day clean and I can use your chizuk.

falling is lonely. what chizuk is there in my current posts?

Holy Yid wrote on 08 Apr 2010 22:20:


Rashi explains _{(Parshas Shmini 10:3)} that when people see great men fall it brings a great Kidush hashem. If such good guys can fall, how much do we, the little ones have to be on constant guard!

Holy 'Holy Yid', you have a 5 month streak under your belt! YOU are our inspiration! YOU are our icon! We see you having ups & downs & ups again. We all hope to follow you up, up and away!!!!