It may be time to learn kiddushin...

Hey guys. I messed up twice last night. Couldn't fall asleep+mind in gutter+investigation stress=Big Fail. I find that the hardest thing is getting the engine started after a fall. Once I'm in it a few days I have the motivation to keep it going, but it's not such a big deal to go from one to zero. I have to realize that 169 or 25 or even 7 needs a one...

Still haven't had a clean day. I've had a lot of stress with dating Baruch Hashem. I just went out last night and it felt kind of flat. We ran out of things to talk about and I felt off my game. I'm going out again Wednesday. I'm hoping that I can get into it and that things will pick up.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 01 Mar 2021 20:38:

Maybe try to focus on having 'clean hours' ... every effort we do in this struggle is really much greater than we can imagine. 
Hashem should be with you.
Hatzlacha!

My failures are really snowballing right now. I tell myself that I can't do it so why bother? I am screwing up often, and I don't even feel the motivation to pull out. Help!

The first obstacle to overcoming addiction is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. The first obstacle is the decision not to try. The decision to make the effort and find the right guidance doesn't apply only to addiction. It applies to accomplishing anything.

Don't let past failures defeat you. Learn from them. Don't give in to hopelessness. Use it to build motivation.

I just failed again. Why should I keep trying if I've been failing for 13 years? Why would this time be any different? I have told myself that I'm never doing it again hundreds of times! It never works. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting different results. I fit very neatly into that definition. 

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 02 Mar 2021 20:16:

If I may ask:
- why do you keep on posting about your failures? 
- do you WANT to stop? if yes, WHY?

I don't know why I post. I want to stop because I believe it's wrong and that I'm hurting myself.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 02 Mar 2021 20:16:

If I may also ask. What have you tried over the last 13 years aside from telling yourself this time would be different.

I don't know about your, but telling myself this time will be different doesn't work in other areas of my life either

A plan involving gradual change often is the best way to attain self-control. If a person just “does not feel it,” it will be hard for him to change his life. Though he knows he should stop sinning, he might not have the strength to sustain such a big change. But because deep down he wants to be good and do what’s right, he can set up a plan to change his behavior step by step until he achieves his goals.

Gradual change is a system that requires a plan. Although randomly stopping one element of the problem is commendable, we strive for even more: to begin a progression toward complete self-control. We want to plan out what we will change and when. We should be flexible about it, but we must remember that we do aspire to reach the pinnacle one day.

You can start by focusing on one area of his battle against desire. He should firmly commit himself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Alternatively, he can decide to exert self-control in one particular common situation.

It takes great effort to decide to change, and even more effort to stick to that resolution for even a short time. As we know, effort is all that matters, and every instant of effort is priceless. The battle against desire is a challenging, lifelong battle, and it was not created to be easy. It is supposed to be a struggle, and the odds are strong that some battles will be lost. But by keeping his determination to fight despite the difficulty, a person can achieve the ultimate success: emerging victorious from the most intense battle ever. A person should feel proud and encouraged about every ounce of effort he has exerted. As a result, he will emerge stronger from his errors rather than losing his will to fight

If I may add on to David T:
In general, throughout life, all we can do is our hishtadlus- the outcome is NOT in our hands. The only thing that Hashem cares about (especially in this area) is the fight we put up. 
As R’ Tzvi Meier said (b’kitzur): When Yaakov Avinu was fighting the Sar Shel Eisav (i.e. the Yetzer Hara, Satan, all the “bad stuff” in Yiddishkeit, etc), the pasuk says ויאבק איש עמו- which translates as “and the man kicked up dust with him”, and Rashi adds that “the dust went up to the כסא הכבוד”. Asks R’ Tzvi Meier, “what shaychus is the dust- who cares about that??!! אלא מאי, the vort is that הא גופא- ONLY THE DUST went to the כסא הכבוד. And what does the dust represent? It represents the fight with the Yetzer Hara. Did the זכות of Yaakov’s victory go up? No! It was only the fight.”
What we see is that it is ALL about how much effort we put into the struggle. 

Now, true, we gotta be honest with ourselves to know if we’re truly trying, but we mustn’t get discouraged if we keep on trying but don’t see (-keyword is “see”; just because we don’t see any change, does not, in any way mean that there wasn’t any) and positive result. 

Hope this helps. 
-Tzitzisdude out

A man once came to Reb Nachman of Breslav and told him that he doesn't hold by doing teshuvah because he knows that he'll just go back to doing the same things again. Reb Nachman answered him that Teshuvah is not about not doing the same sins again, but rather it's all about bringing Hashem down into the world and into our hearts. Every soul is a peice of Hashem and is connected to Him, but our sins make a blockage between the light of Hashem and us. When we say Viddui and confess our sins, it helps us remove the heavy "shell" that our sins have caused, and this allows the light of Hashem to flow down into the world and into us. Teshuvah is not about beating ourselves up over our past, but rather about LIVING for Hashem's honor in the present. 

The more we seek to bring Hashem's honor and glory down to the world, the more Teshuvah we do! Automatically, all the past sins are forgiven, and automatically, we won't end up repeating our past mistakes.

DavidT wrote on 03 Mar 2021 04:07:

Genuinely not a clue what that means (sorry, see my other posts, chassidus isn't my thing) but basically it sounds like he's saying a simple concept: keep going. 

I had two clean nights. Then I fell a couple of times. I've been under a ton of stress lately with the dating and everything and it's been wearing me out. But I feel good about the two clean nights. Hopefully more to come.