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Mental Health and Marriage
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Mental Health and Marriage 6309 Views

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 03 May 2021 20:18 #367890

One day at a time!

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 06 May 2021 19:32 #368077

Hi fellas. I'm only one day clean. I keep on falling and falling and falling and falling. I keep on trying to get up, but it seems that a fall always follows. I'm hoping for the day that I go up and don't come back down. The Psychologist Ish MiGrodno and I scheduled a serious talk about this struggle. What I don't understand is why is it so hard. Why do I never keep to my convictions? I've decided to stop hundreds of times, yet it's never worked. What will be different about the time that I really do stop, and how do I get there? 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 06 May 2021 19:54 #368078

  • DavidT
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Hi
Did you try SMART recovery tools yet?

1-  Change-Plan worksheet, identify steps you can take toward your goal (envisioned future) and consider people who can help you get there. Create strategies to help you progress and identify signs that show you’re making progress. If a strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up; use it as an opportunity to try something different.

You may also use this tool as a problem-solving worksheet because it can help you break large problems into smaller steps to focus your efforts so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

2- Coping with Urges

Identifying your triggers is an important part of your recovery. Awareness gives you the power to understand and deal with urges; however, even with awareness and planning, you will experience urges. It’s a normal and natural part of recovery.

An awareness and understanding of urges is crucial to recovery. You identified what triggers them, but do you know how long they last? How intense they are? How frequent? Most people with addictive behaviors don’t realize that urges usually last only seconds to minutes and then pass.

One way to understand your urges is by recording them in an urge log.

An urge log is a table in which you record specific information about your urges. After a few entries, you may notice patterns and similarities about your urges. The log then becomes a road map that will help you anticipate situations and emotions that may trigger urges. You also may notice certain thought patterns associated with your urges, which are helpful in self-management and problem solving

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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 06 May 2021 19:54 by DavidT.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 07 May 2021 08:50 #368128

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hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 06 May 2021 19:32:
Hi fellas. I'm only one day clean. I keep on falling and falling and falling and falling. I keep on trying to get up, but it seems that a fall always follows. I'm hoping for the day that I go up and don't come back down. The Psychologist Ish MiGrodno and I scheduled a serious talk about this struggle. What I don't understand is why is it so hard. Why do I never keep to my convictions? I've decided to stop hundreds of times, yet it's never worked. What will be different about the time that I really do stop, and how do I get there? 

I recently saw a quote from dov that went something like

Lust is't the problem, living life without it is

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 09 May 2021 22:14 #368254

Hey! Your brain is just as smart as you, and it's always lying to you.

Euphoric Recall: where your brain only remembers the pleasurable parts of an activity, and not the pain that you're feeling now. It's why women give birth over and over; they "forget" the pain of childbirth. So the next time you have an urge, your brain only reminds you of the pleasure associated with acting out your urges (anticipation, dopamine; pleasure climax, opioids) and forgets/neglects to tell you the bad stuff, like the pain, regret, shame and anger that you're feeling now.

What's the way out of the cycle? Break the cycle. Figure out why, where, when and how you relapse, and do things proactively to prevent them from happening. Do you relapse when bored? Get a hobby. Stressed? Put some sort of stress management/monitoring system into place to prevent you from getting to the point that you feel the need to use your drug to self-soothe. Bathroom/shower? At night, or when alone in the house? Figure out what's going on, be honest with yourself about it, and break the cycle. Trying harder next time won't work, because it didn't work today or yesterday or two years ago.

Progress, not perfection. Be nice to yourself. Most importantly, do something proactive to prevent it from happening again. If it does (or when it does), do the same thing: figure out what went wrong, and prevent it from happening. Otherwise it'll keep happening. You're never going to not have urges again, but you can plan for the urges and be ready for them. Or you can pretend that "this is the last time!", like so many do, like I did for many years. 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 10 May 2021 00:28 #368260

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am giving a warning to those reading this; lot's of negativity is on the way. I don't buy this planning ahead thing that everyone is speaking about; also this idea off knowing when you fall and why. I fall always. In bed, in the shower, in the bathroom. Also, it can happen at anytime. What starts it? The fact that I want it. Why does it always have to be attributed to something? There is something called the sexual drive. I've had it since I was 13. Way before any stress, anxiety, or anything else even existed in my life. I feel that I've tried everything. Nothing is working. 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 10 May 2021 00:40 #368263

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Dude - you've been off of porn for 7 months and you say nothing's working?! If I'd have accomplished that at age 26, I would have "put it in the bank"... and hopefully addressed the masturbation thing the following year (I did neither : ( 

​Glad to hear you are a healthy human; let's speak for the 100th 1000th time and continue looking for eitzos - there is lots more schar this way!

Your overly optimistic  realistic friend in Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 10 May 2021 18:52 #368287

I spoke to my therapist last night about my issue. We are going to try urge-surfing. I hope it works. 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 10 May 2021 21:47 #368304

Try listening to Dov's recovery talks to get out of your own head, he's been sober over 20 years, or something like that. You might learn something that can help you. You say you've tried everything, have you tried listening to recovery talks? 

guardyoureyes.com/tools/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/dov-s-recovery-talks

Also his workshop (don't need to be 12-stepper to get stuff out of it, he talks a lot about being honest and connecting with people).

guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/12Steps/Dovs%2012-Step%20Workshop.zip

It's recovery with a frum bent to it. You might like it! Hatzlacha!

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 10 May 2021 21:55 #368305

Also, there's always a reason for things happening. Take your examples. If you fall in the shower, then take measures to ensure that doesn't happen anymore. Same for bed, or feeling aroused.

Example: I find that if I touch my privates more than 5 times in the shower while washing them, I end up relapsing. So now I make sure I wash them really quickly and move on, because historically if I linger, I end up relapsing.

Example: I fall in my bed, so now I make sure I have good bedtime hygiene that includes no screens for 1-2 hours before bed, going to sleep at the same time, waking up at the same time, staying out of the bedroom except for sleep purposes, and working out enough that I'm tired when I get to bed. Because historically I've found if I go to bed late because I woke up late, I end up relapsing.

They're not big changes, but they can make a difference. It's like anything else, work the process and the results will take care of themselves. Good luck!

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 11 May 2021 11:31 #368349

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From what you write (and from our conversations) it sounds like you do not have a kedusha issue. BH you have removed pornography from your life, which shows you who are. What you do seem to have is a stress issue. So many of us trained ourselves to use masturbation as a self soothing pacifier. It became our default activity to calm ourselves down. For years, if anything tense came my way, i would masturbate with a vengeance, or better said, with desperation. i knew of no other way to self regulate and calm down. I came out of the mikva the day of my chasuna and masturbated again. I had no other tools. So buddy, calm down. you are an erliche yid who has made an incredible sacrifice. You have given up the thrills and escapes of pornography, and are living a holy life. Masturbation? Iyh you will work on it. With time and training and support you will b'ezras Hashem kick the habit. But realize that you are presently not doing it out of lust or hashchasa. Accept yourself and celebrate how far you have come. Iyh you will build a beautiful holy happy and kosher home.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 11 May 2021 20:33 #368381

Yuuup. If I don't want to do this, but I keep doing it, my problem isn't that I'm bad, it's that I'm insane. Or...slightly insane, as it pertains to this specific issue.

Or just insane, period, I suppose I wouldn't know...

I see so many people talking about they're a "warrior", and all that. Not me. I'm not a warrior. I'm addicted. I'm tired of fighting, I want to be free of this already.

Maybe when I see a woman in the street, I'm like a regular guy, I have no compulsive behavior there. Truly. But when it comes to PMO, I'm compulsive, it's habitual, and I'm addicted, straight up. That's just me, everyone is different. Maybe hy613 isn't compulsively masturbating. But in case he is, there are a spectrum of solutions available. It's not all or nothing. 

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 13 May 2021 17:25 #368533

I spoke to HHM at length about not beating myself up so much. It's very hard though. I feel like such a failure from the repeated attempts at stopping that don't work. I find it difficult to find the balance of knowing that masturbation is wrong and trying to stop, and not being too tough on myself when I do fall.

I messed up yesterday when talking to my Kallah on the phone. It was not a pleasant feeling. I channeled my enjoyment of talking to her into a selfish and wrong act. I feel really gross about it.

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 13 May 2021 18:20 #368537

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Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Most people in recovery have relapses, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.

A slip may feel like the end of the world, but really, it’s an opportunity for growth and reinforcing basic life skills that need more work. Many people emerge from relapse with a fresh scare regarding what they are up against, as well as a deeper commitment to becoming sober. This renewed motivation can help you come back from a relapse even stronger than you were before.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Mental Health and Marriage 14 May 2021 11:33 #368582

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Your honesty is refreshing and will iyh be a key component of your recovery.  Let's review. You have radically changed your life by BH having kept yourself clean from pornography for a long time. Your masturbation is more of an anxiety issue than a ta'avah issue. Your kallah is on the same page as you about setting up a home technologically safe. You have more clarity than most chassanim about the purpose of the bedroom. You are heading toward iyh a beautiful married life.

Disclaimer - Of course it is far from geshmak to masturbate while on the phone with the kallah. Meeting and shmuesing as chassan and kallah is very teasing and challenging. I would dare say that it is quite common that things like that happen with many guys. Of course i am not saying "it is ok", but you are normal buddy. Maybe next time shmuess while outdoors... or come up with some other practical deterrent. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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