Dave M wrote on 22 Mar 2022 12:18:

So twice I was able to calmly fix it, and once I visited a porn site before hand and then fixed it, so I guess I'm hovering somewhere in between.

Today was hard. 

Fell again, who gives a darn what it was. 

I had 2+ weeks that was doing pretty well, the opportunity arose and I ran with it. 

I've been better the last month or two than I was before. Maybe that's why this is getting more frustrating, because I was starting to feel hopeful?

Either way, life doesn't stop so onward. 

How do they say it? That first sip? 

Gotta be more careful.  

Your momentum over the past two weeks doesn't have to disappear because of a single blip, keep up the positivity!

I hate to admit this but masturbating on Erev Pesach can really help me be a better husband, and calm down my anxiety (as long as I manage to remove the guilt, which I did manage to do). 

The being away from home thing and having to be by parents and in-laws with all the siblings kills me.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Apr 2022 20:44:

I used to feel like this in regard to porn. Whenever I was stressed (which was quite often), I'd use porn as a drug to get "high" and calm down-and it worked, at least temporarily.
But then, as I started to get my situation under control, I realized that it was a MINDSET issue. I was viewing porn in my head as a tranquilizer, and therefore it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you view something as a positive, it becomes that way. But this is not something you want to view as a positive.

It was difficult when I stopped treating porn as a sedative and decided to just deal with the stress head-on. But here I am today, not completely out of the woods but SO MUCH more free than I ever have been, and less stressed as well.

If you believe you can do it, you can. I've lived it.

Hatzlacha.

I just want to share a thought or two if I may. 

Over my most recent struggles something crystalized that may seem simple to some but I was never able to fully grasp. When I used to feel emotional pain, it meant that something was wrong. Either there was something wrong with me or with what I was about to do. I would be afraid to make any moves, blame myself and feel horrible, and literally get stuck. 

Pain is good, fear is good, these are all healthy and normal feelings to feel when I want to try something scary, new, and unknown. The pain and fear don't mean anything is wrong, on the contrary, they meant that I am taking a risk and they are just warning me to take the necessary precautions. I don't have to become paralyzed and freeze, I can breathe through the pain and fear and say "the pain just means that I can still feel".

Pain doesn't always mean that there is something wrong, pain just means that there is something happening.   

wilnevergiveup wrote on 01 May 2022 09:58:

Masterpiece! Mitzva l'farsem. How many guys act out because they can't process this concept.....

Excellent point! Thank you - that's very helpful.

Do you also mean in situations where you aren't doing anything particularly scary or new. We can still have pain, stress or emotions that are hard to deal with - they just indicate that something is happening, it may be feeling of insecurity, shame etc. but it doesn't mean something is wrong that requires action to get rid of the pain.

Avrohom wrote on 01 May 2022 15:59:

Great question. Sometimes there is something to do and sometimes there is not. Pain can also mean that something is wrong, but it's function is to make sure that you take the necessary precautions. In the cases that you are describing the same applies, when you feel the pain, you need to make a cheshbon whether you are prepared, did proper research etc. and if you did, it still could be scary buy you have to realize that it's okay for some things to be scary but it's not the end of the world. 

The way I understand this is like the difference between how a child would react to getting lost versus an adult. When a child gets lost, he starts turning in circle and starts crying out for his mother. if no one would help him, he would never find his way and would remain stuck there waiting for someone to help him find his way. An adult reacts differently. Even an adult will become anxious when he is lost, and may become tense or even afraid but an adult can work his way back home on his own. An adult can ask for directions, he can look at a map, he can call a friend etc. 

In short, an adult can accept that he is not in a desirable situation and still work his way through it as opposed to a child who becomes helpless.

In my life, I find that I often react to things like a child and become helpless hoping that someone will pull me through whatever mess I am in. The healthier way to respond, I think, is to accept the pain as undesirable but to then take care of yourself, figure out what needs to be done and do it. 

I think this applies to all stress, anxiety, etc. I was just using the example of trying something new because that's what I am going through now. Of course, we need to take care of the things that need to be taken care of but after we do that we can accept the pain for what it is instead of trying to fight it or numb it.

You hit the nail on the head, and there is a story to prove it:

One of the guys here was recently seen by a top psychologist and reported the following. This individual was reacting very emotionally to numerous situations at home in a hypersensitive manner. His therapist uncovered that he had been viewing pornography and masturbating from a very young age. He explained that this fellow had never had the opportunity to learn how to accept and process feelings. From a very young age, pain, fear, loneliness - all uncomfortable feelings - were dealt with the "pornography/masturbation pacifier" method. As soon as he would experience the slightest discomfort, he would reach for his numbing technique. "Your job", he told our friend, "is to learn and accept discomfort and process it in a healthy way".

I think many of us here; me for sure, should review this concept again and again. So much of our emotional neediness is due to our handicap in dealing with the very normal daily frustrations of life in a healthy manner.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 01 Dec 2020 13:32:

Wow things have changed since I wrote this! I can't even believe we are the same person.

I was in such deep denial about my trauma that I believed I was okay and all that pain that I was dealing with was normal. 

Wow. 

I desperately needed help but I refused to admit it and get it because that would mean that there was something wrong with me. I was able to reach out for help when I was in enough pain to be able to admit to myself and Hashem that I just couldn't manage alone. When I realized that it's not me trying to conquer my Yetzer Hara, and that what I was dealing with was more than just laziness and "having a hard time". 

I have realized that there are just times that I cannot cope with life without at least some pacifier. Be it lust, food, alcohol, or just staying in bed. Lust is the safest physically, I am just not sure about it because it might be making my depression worse. Sometimes I use food, which gives me the feeling of loss of control. I try to limit my alcohol consumption because that would be a disaster. 

It's tricky, I am hopeful that I will get through this, working through therapy. I am exploring medication, that might also take an edge off of the struggle.

And that's it for now.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 May 2022 13:45:

Thanks for sharing this. I find the same. There is a tendency to substitute one escape with another.
I'd ask myself: What am I running away from right now? Why am I uncomfortable with it? Sometimes I need to attack it head-on. For example, if it's procrastinating at work, etc.
As you point out, some forms of escapism are healthier than others. How about going for a run or lifting weights?

wilnevergiveup wrote on 31 May 2021 18:33:

Although some are newer here and don't have patience reading through an entire forum, WNGUs forum would be a pretty wise one to start from the beginning. 
​Lot's of really good info and very unique perspectives.