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How to function despite lust #2
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: How to function despite lust #2 245 Views

How to function despite lust #2 16 Aug 2020 21:16 #353840

  • Grant400
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I posted this originally in the balei batims forum, but I realized many don't have access so I decided to repost it here.

There is a thread that discusses this topic but when I tried to post on it it didn't work so I guess I'll start a new one.

  The question was how to continue functioning and going on with daily life even while under a lust attack. 

I found an interesting way to accomplish this. There is a very popular method in therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There is a takeoff of this called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy or something like that)  which is used to deal with things like anxiety and depression which I believe can be used just the same for lust. Personally I find it really helpful and this is my main method for dealing with desire in this issue. 

Here's how it works:

Let's say someone has a fear of driving a car because they are afraid of accidents. Every time they sit in the drivers seat their mind begins to obsessively tell them how dangerous it is. What they do to calm down is to answer the anxiety back and begin listing reasons why they shouldn't be concerned. What this does is create a circle of obsessing. Because as they try to convince themselves not to fear the fear fights back and it's an ongoing struggle which never ends. 

In DBT the patient is taught to "accept" the thought. Meaning instead of wrestling with it make a decision of what you want to do right now, and if that decision is you want to drive the car then you tell the fear when it pops up "Hey good friend! I know you! You don't want me to drive -but I want to -so even though you make me terrified and make my heart beat faster I want to continue on with my life". Now the reason to continue with life could be because I want to drive, eat, relax...whatever but you are not going to debate and convince yourself out of the fear but rather accept it and bring it along for the ride in the passenger seat...and continue with your life because that's what you want to do right now. 

This gives one the ability to function WITH the fear. This will eventually remove the fear from your mind. Because fear is the minds way of encouraging you to do an action to prevent danger. Anxiety is the same message when there isn't any danger. By ignoring it and not reacting eventually the mind gives up. Obviously this isn't what you are saying to yourself...your goal isn't to remove it from your mind but rather to live with it side by side. If it leaves then that is a beautiful side benefit. 

So in regard to lust one can use the same method. Instead of trying to resist the desire which will just cause one to continue obsessing endlessly via saying to ourselves " wrong, disgusting, not gonna happen etc. rather accept the desire and lust. Say "yes I would enjoy that, yes that woman is beautiful, yes I wish I could be with my wife now, but I'm continuing with my life and continuing with what I was doing" without trying to change the way you feel or think. We know we can't eradicate a thought (think shemona esrei ) if I tell you not to think of apples for a minute, all you will do is think of apples or think about not thinking about apples which is the same thing. By not engaging lust in a conversation it will be easier to continue your activities and and will eventually cause you to stop obsessing over it. 

                                  Grant

P.S. I'm not a psychologist or anything so I might be missing the boat. If anyone is educated in psychology I'd love to hear their opinions and/or corrections.
Last Edit: 06 Sep 2020 13:05 by Grant400.

Re: How to function despite lust #2 17 Aug 2020 03:16 #353847

Grant400 wrote on 16 Aug 2020 21:16:
I posted this originally in the balei batims forum, but I realized many don't have access so I decided to repost it here.

There is a thread that discusses this topic but when I tried to post on it it didn't work so I guess I'll start a new one.
  The question was how to continue functioning and going on with daily life even while under a lust attack. 
I found an interesting way to accomplish this. There is a very popular method in therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There is a takeoff of this called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy or something like that)  which is used to deal with things like anxiety and depression which I believe can be used just the same for lust. Personally I find it really helpful and this is my main method for dealing with desire in this issue. 
  Here's how it works:
Let's say someone has a fear of driving a car because they are afraid of accidents. Every time they sit in the drivers seat their mind begins to obsessively tell them how dangerous it is. What they do to calm down is to answer the anxiety back and begin listing reasons why they shouldn't be concerned. What this does is create a circle of obsessing. Because as they try to convince themselves not to fear the fear fights back and it's an ongoing struggle which never ends. 
  In DBT the patient is taught to "accept" the thought. Meaning instead of wrestling with it make a decision of what you want to do right now, and if that decision is you want to drive the car then you tell the fear when it pops up "Hey good friend! I know you! You don't want me to drive -but I want to -so even though you make me terrified and make my heart beat faster I want to continue on with my life". Now the reason to continue with life could be because I want to drive, eat, relax...whatever but you are not going to debate and convince yourself out of the fear but rather accept it and bring it along for the ride in the passenger seat...and continue with your life because that's what you want to do right now. 
  This gives one the ability to function WITH the fear. This will eventually remove the fear from your mind. Because fear is the minds way of encouraging you to do an action to prevent danger. Anxiety is the same message when there isn't any danger. By ignoring it and not reacting eventually the mind gives up. Obviously this isn't what you are saying to yourself...your goal isn't to remove it from your mind but rather to live with it side by side. If it leaves then that is a beautiful side benefit. 
  So in regard to lust one can use the same method. Instead of trying to resist the desire which will just cause one to continue obsessing endlessly via saying to ourselves " wrong, disgusting, not gonna happen etc. rather accept the desire and lust. Say "yes I would enjoy that, yes that woman is beautiful, yes I wish I could be with my wife now, but I'm continuing with my life and continuing with what I was doing" without trying to change the way you feel or think. We know we can't eradicate a thought (think shemona esrei ) if I tell you not to think of apples for a minute, all you will do is think of apples or think about not thinking about apples which is the same thing. By not engaging lust in a conversation it will be easier to continue your activities and and will eventually cause you to stop obsessing over it. 

                                  Grant

P.S. I'm not a psychologist or anything so I might be missing the boat. If anyone is educated in psychology I'd love to hear their opinions and/or corrections.

Good stuff.
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: How to function despite lust #2 16 Jun 2021 13:56 #369944

  • YeshivaGuy
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Grant400 wrote on 16 Aug 2020 21:16:
I posted this originally in the balei batims forum, but I realized many don't have access so I decided to repost it here.

There is a thread that discusses this topic but when I tried to post on it it didn't work so I guess I'll start a new one.

  The question was how to continue functioning and going on with daily life even while under a lust attack. 

I found an interesting way to accomplish this. There is a very popular method in therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There is a takeoff of this called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy or something like that)  which is used to deal with things like anxiety and depression which I believe can be used just the same for lust. Personally I find it really helpful and this is my main method for dealing with desire in this issue. 

Here's how it works:

Let's say someone has a fear of driving a car because they are afraid of accidents. Every time they sit in the drivers seat their mind begins to obsessively tell them how dangerous it is. What they do to calm down is to answer the anxiety back and begin listing reasons why they shouldn't be concerned. What this does is create a circle of obsessing. Because as they try to convince themselves not to fear the fear fights back and it's an ongoing struggle which never ends. 

In DBT the patient is taught to "accept" the thought. Meaning instead of wrestling with it make a decision of what you want to do right now, and if that decision is you want to drive the car then you tell the fear when it pops up "Hey good friend! I know you! You don't want me to drive -but I want to -so even though you make me terrified and make my heart beat faster I want to continue on with my life". Now the reason to continue with life could be because I want to drive, eat, relax...whatever but you are not going to debate and convince yourself out of the fear but rather accept it and bring it along for the ride in the passenger seat...and continue with your life because that's what you want to do right now. 

This gives one the ability to function WITH the fear. This will eventually remove the fear from your mind. Because fear is the minds way of encouraging you to do an action to prevent danger. Anxiety is the same message when there isn't any danger. By ignoring it and not reacting eventually the mind gives up. Obviously this isn't what you are saying to yourself...your goal isn't to remove it from your mind but rather to live with it side by side. If it leaves then that is a beautiful side benefit. 

So in regard to lust one can use the same method. Instead of trying to resist the desire which will just cause one to continue obsessing endlessly via saying to ourselves " wrong, disgusting, not gonna happen etc. rather accept the desire and lust. Say "yes I would enjoy that, yes that woman is beautiful, yes I wish I could be with my wife now, but I'm continuing with my life and continuing with what I was doing" without trying to change the way you feel or think. We know we can't eradicate a thought (think shemona esrei ) if I tell you not to think of apples for a minute, all you will do is think of apples or think about not thinking about apples which is the same thing. By not engaging lust in a conversation it will be easier to continue your activities and and will eventually cause you to stop obsessing over it. 

                                  Grant

P.S. I'm not a psychologist or anything so I might be missing the boat. If anyone is educated in psychology I'd love to hear their opinions and/or corrections.

Amazing eitza and it’s very helpful.
I will add that in regards to other issues like depression/low self esteem this method doesn’t work so much (at least for me)…
But definitely in regards to inyanei kedusha, this method has helped me (and my friends) immensely.

Re: How to function despite lust #2 16 Jun 2021 18:43 #369955

  • DavidT
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Here are a nice observation on this topic from Dov:

By trying to fight intrusive thoughts and denying that they are part of your normal mental landscape, you are much more likely to be holding on to them. We know that the Baal Hatanya writes (Tanya, ch. 28) that wrestling with a dirty man only makes you dirtier and dirtier. Addicts in twelve-step recovery use a term called 'surrender', referring to moving on without something instead of fighting it. They come to see that the main reason they were fighting their obsessions and desires before, was because the struggle itself allowed them to hold on to them and ‘deal’ with them virtually forever. When an addict mistakenly correlates 'Kedushas Hamo'ach' with 'Tikkun Habris,' they basically condemn themselves to never letting go of it. In a strange but real way, "not letting go" is a comfort to somebody who sees that it's wrong to have these thoughts but never really wants to let them go.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
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