Hey, everyone. 

After a pretty awful stretch a few months ago, I was doing much better before falling really badly. 

I know I can (and will!) B'Ezras Hashem bounce back, but I really really need some chizzuk right now to help deal with the guilt, sadness, and frustration. 

Thanks in advance

Remember that you fell out of weakness and temptation, not rebellion. You're trying to do good! All your efforts show that.

Would you mind elaborating on your feelings of guilt and frustration? Tell us some of your thoughts and feelings.

Hello:

You know this is a very difficult fight against Yetzer Hara. Trust me, you are in the right path and we have to fight until our last breath of life. If you fell, then stand up and walk again, because you know Yetzer Hara. One of his tools is making you feel that all your effort doesn't count.  Try to stick on torah and your normal study, try to surf the need whenever you're feeling you are going to fall. Trust yourself, Hashem gave you a pure soul.

Count on me if you need support.

Jzh

Captain wrote on 17 Jul 2020 01:23:

In regards to my feelings of guilt, it is mainly that I think Hashem is going to punish me for my sins. Not because He hates me, but because He knows it will be the best way to get me to change. That's why I'm trying to change without the punishment and show Him that I don't need it. So, it's more of a fear than a guilt. 

Also, it's just annoying because I'm scared of like a slippery slope where I go from acting out even more and even worse. I want to get myself back on track so that I don't fall further down. 

Lastly, this fall kinda came out of nowhere so it makes me nervous that I might fall badly out of nowhere again in the future. 

Get up. Move forward.
You know what you did was wrong and you know what you have to put in place to prevent it from happening again. But you have to move on, dwelling over it and feeling guilty to the point of just feeling like you’re nothing will most likely not help you in the future.

Good luck,
Iwillnevergiveup

AnsheiZusha wrote on 17 Jul 2020 01:31:

Hey there!

I'd like to address the 3 points you made in order:

1) Your fear. We say on the Yamim Noraim "Ki lo sachpotz bimos hames ki im bishuvo midarco vachaya" meaning Hashem doesn't seek to punish evildoers but rather awaits their repentance "vachaya" and they shall live. Hashem isn't a mean old man gleefully looking for misbehaving boys so he can rub his hands together and immediately punish them. He wants us to improve. I can imagine him watching your struggles and as you wrote that you seem to have a long clean streak, with pride how much you've grown, and now that you fell hes going to extend a hand to help you back onto your horse. He WANTS you to succeed. He wants the battle."Lo nitna torah limalachei hasharea" -The torah wasn't given to angels.

2) You are scared of continuing to slide: Sit down. Weigh the pros and cons. Think about how happy you were when you were clean vs. when you weren't. Make an educated decision which path you are going to enjoy.

3) You were ambushed so you fell. Now you are more educated as to the seemingly invisible pitfalls. Now you know you need super vigilance when it comes to this wily clever foe. So now you can use this fall to get smarter and to prevent future falls that come "kinda outta nowhere".

Wishing you the best.
                                 
                                    Grant

I want to add that if you're trying to improve, then you have already woken up. (Begeder osin teshuva- in the category of people trying to do teshuva- Rabbi Yisroel Salanter in Ohr Yisroel.) You wouldn't pour water on your friend to wake him up after he already woke up. Similarly, Hashem is not going to bring painful wake-up calls on people who are trying to improve and are exposed to messages that will help them improve (otherwise known as GYE and especially GYE forums).

Even though the person brought his suffering upon himself by sinning, Hashem cries out in pain, if it could be. He says, “My head and arm are hurting,” even though Hashem doesn’t have a head or an arm — because He is in so much pain because the sinner is suffering. Hashem feels our exact pain. Look how much Hashem loves us, even if we have sinned!