Dialectics: The ability to work through all possible facts, and even to a point where they contradict, understand that they still both have the ability to be a truth.
At the same time I understand that I (me) never ever want to watch porn or masturbate ever again, I also have to understand that in the current situation I'm in the odds are heavily against me. Being home, with all of the devices around me, I am constantly in danger of falling because its so easy. Im working on the internals and trying to work on lasting freedom, but in reality, the reality that I'm dealing with now, the odds are heavily against me.
I can't be too hard on myself, especially when there has been A LOT of progress. Im working hard at this, to a level that I really haven't in a long while. Im committed and I'm growing. Several months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed, now I'm out every morning. Several months ago, I would masturbate and watch porn in binges (multiple) times a week, now its closer to twice every two weeks. Several months ago I would have let a fall take over my week, and splurge to an extent where it had the potential to mess up a whole week, now a binge is more controlled, I can still go to sleep on time tat night and not overeat. Several months ago if I was agitated, I would run to escape, now Iive in my head with my thoughts, and sometimes even enjoy it.
Several months ago I didn't think I had free choice, so I didn't, now I know I have free choice, and I do.
So I'm still committed, and still haven't fell completely off the horse, I know what I have in front of me, I just want to figure out what I can do better, even if it's just a little.
So now what? What am I going to do differently this time?
Thats the only thing I have to question.
It was a long night (and morning). Once I mentally let myself go, I just fell through and made a couple of bad decisions (which is fine), but that doesn't mean I haven't made progress, I just have a bit more to work on. After the first binge last night, I ended up going downstairs and eating a half a box of chips ahoy, followed by the rest of night staying up and indulging myself. Would I have rather it gone better, YES. Did it go as well as I thought it could have, NO. Did I learn from it, HOPEFULLY (maybe, I guess well see). The rest of the day was getting back on track and catching up on sleep. In the meeting with Rav Eytan, he discussed that I'm in a really difficult situation, and we ran through some option of practical things to work on, but to no avail. Today (the rest of the day), is a reset. Reset my commitments, reset my schedule, reset my boundaries, reset my strategies, and reset how I am approaching this. Im gonna commit no matter what happens, and just get back right on that horse, because no matter what decisions I make when I'm not thinking strait, I know what I want LASTING FREEDOM, and I'm the path of getting there, I just got to keep staying on coarse and bite the bullet sometimes. I don't have to revamp, I just have to reset.
LECHAYIM TO ANOTHER STREAKKKKKKKK:)!!!!!
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