Hi, I'm new here. I have been struggling for years and am on a very good stretch now. The issue is that it's mostly due to the fact that Im afraid that if I mess up, who knows what will happen to me. 

My self esteem is has been really horrible and I live in fear. 

I know that it's 100% wrong to think this way but I can't help it. I'm suffering from anxiety and probably depression also. Always nervous and always afraid. I'm going through some personal issues not related to anything I did and are convinced that they are because of things I have done. I have a beautiful family and so much to be happy for but I feel like cause of things I did who knows what will happen etc... 

Can anyone help me and give advice and/or chizuk? 

Welcome you sound like a nice guy and like most people here, our main struggle is anxiety/depression and we have been acting out in order to relieve ourselves of the anxiety and depression and then we feel really stupid and our self esteem takes a huge hit. Then we are left with anxiety/depression and extremely low self esteem and since that feeling doesn't feel so good we go and act out again even though last time we acted out it made things way worse for us.
We are trying non stop to run away from feelings/emotions and as such we strengthen them but if we learn to be mindful and realize they are just false feelings and "we just ride those waves" the feelings will recede by themselves and will weaken. The challenge is they feel so strong and as such finding activities to do to calm ourselves while feeling the urges like a partner to speak openly with gym etc, have been the key for many of our recoveries.

In regards to "gods chesbonos" it's not our job to try to be god and try to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. Listen he put you down in a challenging world and he gave you anxiety and depression he understands the challenge you are faced with and he sees your desire to stop, you need to work on your side of the aisle, but let god take care of his side of things he is extremely wise and he knows what he is doing. Please don't play god buddy. We don't know at all his cheshbonos

 Love Yankel your addicted friend

Thanks so much!

You have no idea how much your words mean to me. I can't really discuss with my wife most of the issues and the deep feelings. I do have a good friend but I may need someone more or a professional. What do you think? 

Can you please give me some tips and points what mindfulness is and how to implement it? Are you saying that it will pass? Due to the fear I'm not having major problems controlling my thoughts of inappropriate things. It's the depression in general about how I feel. The fear is unbearable. Which is part of the depression and anxiety. 

Thank you again! 

@needayeshua I remember when i first joined GYE over 2 years ago, i had gone to therapists and learned tonz of skils such as mindfullness etc, but the most helpful thing was learned by befriending and talking and eventually even meeting some of the folks here in GYE, your good friend while he probably is a nice guy unfortunately he probably lacks the proper understanding of what you're going through.

find someone on the forum who you feel you can gain from and send him a PM most will react positive to a phone call, ill be more than happy to chat with you as well feel free to send me a private message as well

Hi,
Welcome to GYE!! there are many tools and people here that can help you. It is very brave of you to come here and be open and honest about yourself, i commend you for that.
It is important to stay calm and find healthy ways to deal with anxiety: exercise, walking, talking to somebody. 
We are all here for you and feel free to just vent to us about your problems whenever- we're always here listening.
In addition, if you want someone more private/personal to talk to i am available and offer my assistance to you. Feel free to email me at 360gye@gmail.com or just PM me through GYE

Thanks so much for the warm and helpful responses. 

Has anyone else had the feeling of living in fear? 

Is there any tips to make the anxiety, depression and fear pass? 

Thank you all

Can you share exactly what you are fearful of? whats your anxiety and depression revolve around?

If i knew better what you are feeling i may be able to  better help you

I live in a fear that anything bad is caused by what I did or will do if I mess up again and that who knows what will happen to me because of what I did.

I used to be more level headed and knew that I was a normal person going through normal nisyonos. But a little while ago I became completely depressed and full of anxiety and became very nervous and I lost my equilibrium and became crazy that who knows what will happen to me. I constantly think terrible things are going to happen and it's as if I'm waiting for bad stuff to happen. My brain is almost firing negative thoughts all the time. 

I do have better days and worse days as far as the nerves and depression. 

As far as my nisyonos go, because I'm so afraid, I have been very good. 

It's good to be afraid of punishments and consequences of your actions, but not to live in constant fear. unfortunately it is a fine line which, i think, everyone has to figure out themselves. Your own personal rav might be a better person to talk as to how not to live in fear. 
​In terms of your fear about everything happening cause of this, i recently read in "praying with fire" that what happens is not solely based on actions, but also based on prayer

Thanks for the response but I feel like you don't understand the feelings I am having. I think I'm pretty level headed (when not having anxiety etc) and what I'm feeling is not healthy and or normal. 

Thank you 

I think I could relate to some of the feelings you describe, a competent licensed therapist could help you deal with them in a healthy way and give you the proper tools to deal with them on your own for the future.

Good luck

Any input, advice or tips?

If any moderator or long members that are married have any advice? Does anyone relate?