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Marriage in general
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Marriage in general 790 Views

Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 19:59 #343573

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I haven't been in gye for a while unfortunately, I did go to therapy witch kind of helped but not really. I understand that there are a lot of benefits to quiting porn, and I am trying hard to do so. But I've seen that one of the main benefits is to not lessen this great urge and purpose of creating children and repurposing it for selfish reasons. How watching porn can ruin the relationship you have with your wife in a very real way. There is a very good chance I will never get married just because of who I am religiously, even my Rosh yeshivah said so. (I only mention that so people don't come to me saying, "you don't have enough self esteem" I am just being realistic).How am I supposed  to find the motivation to stop knowing that if I quit today most likely I will never have another orgasm on purpose in my entire life?
if someone could point me to some articles on this topic that would be super helpful, or your own thoughts on the matter would be great too.
Thanks so much

Re: Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 20:14 #343574

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Buddy i don't know where you stand religiously but why does that mean there is a strong chance that you won't get married, you got all kinds of girls on the lady's section as well? 

What kind of rosh yeshiva speaks like that? I don't know all the details but if I'm understanding correctly. It might be time to find a new rosh yeshiva, who can properly help you find your own unique personal path in life, as I'm sure there are a lot of girls who will appreciate a good person like yourself, who is a work in progress and is trying as much as possible to improve.
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2019 20:18 by Iampowerless.

Re: Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 23:19 #343576

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The desire you have to change makes you a special person. I agree you should look for a new yeshiva or a new Rav. Hashem has a special girl who is waiting for you to work on yourself to get ready and marry her and have an amazing life together. This is something you must KNOW! 

Also please see the affects of porn on our brains. search on youtube "Your Brain on Porn: How Internet porn affects the brain"
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2019 23:22 by yen.

Re: Marriage in general 16 Sep 2019 03:47 #343579

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It is so interesting that you cannot imagine a productive life without orgasm. I had also talked that into myself for years and it took tremendous work to undo. Although one may enjoy orgasm, it is not a necessity like eating, drinking, and sleeping. One can lead a most productive life full of Torah, Mitzvos, Chessed, success in business/medicine/inventing, etc. You can enjoy the very many thrills in life that are kosher and healthy. As mentioned I suffered from this big fat lie for many years. Start reprogramming your brain chaver; it's well worth it.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Marriage in general 16 Sep 2019 09:05 #343582

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Not sure that I agree with those who say to get a new RY. It obviously depends on the situation. You have any given us a minimal amount of information so I, for one, am willing to take it at face value - you wont get married. Okay. 

Chazal define actions in many ways. One of those is the split between Bein Odom L'Mokom, Bein Odom L'Chaveiro and Bein Odom L'Atzmo.
The destruction of masturbation is seen by many as B'O'L'M, however, those of us here know that while that is true, it is very much the other two as well. In your case, the B'O'L'C fades out mainly (although don't be fooled that watching porn is harmless, you perhaps don't realise what harm is done to other people by the perpetuation of the industry) but the B'O'L'A is very much there. The self destruction of immorality is very real. The lack of self control, the immersion in one's own gratification and the addiction are all elements that create this. Rav Yonoson David (Rav Hutner's son-in-law) once told me that of the bimmel aveiros chamuros, giluy aroyos is B'O'L'A!

I totally get your fear of not having an orgasm. I cant imagine how unmarried people are able to keep up this battle. To me, they (you!) are mythical men of stature that I don't even stand up to their (your!) feet.
I cant offer advice as I don't know what I would do. All I can offer is what I wrote above - that even if you are living alone, the battle is worth fighting. Wishing you Hatzlocho rabbo - you're fighting the fight at the right time of year. 

Re: Marriage in general 18 Sep 2019 01:47 #343627

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forging on wrote on 15 Sep 2019 19:59:
I haven't been in gye for a while unfortunately, I did go to therapy witch kind of helped but not really. I understand that there are a lot of benefits to quiting porn, and I am trying hard to do so. But I've seen that one of the main benefits is to not lessen this great urge and purpose of creating children and repurposing it for selfish reasons. How watching porn can ruin the relationship you have with your wife in a very real way. There is a very good chance I will never get married just because of who I am religiously, even my Rosh yeshivah said so. (I only mention that so people don't come to me saying, "you don't have enough self esteem" I am just being realistic).How am I supposed  to find the motivation to stop knowing that if I quit today most likely I will never have another orgasm on purpose in my entire life?
if someone could point me to some articles on this topic that would be super helpful, or your own thoughts on the matter would be great too.
Thanks so much

Although I wasn't able yet to go lust free, I did manage to break free from porn. It wasn't easy, but it was much much harder managing work, life and wife while being an active user of the drug. I don't regret the hard work and life has changed for the better since breaking free.

Put aside the fear of not getting married or not having any orgasm for the rest of your life.

After quieting porn, you will get to know a new YOU. A person who can stand up for his rights and a person that can take decisions.
Porn destroys ones self esteem and ones ability to function properly.
Wishing you an easy recovery and waiting to wish you very shortly a mzel tov for your engagement.

I wish I would of have the ability to break free before entering marriage.
Why did my wife and children have to go through all those painful years.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: Marriage in general 19 Sep 2019 17:43 #343663

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Thank you everyone that posted their thoughts, compliments, advice, and life experience. It has been tremendously helpful. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending how you look at it) two days ago I found a whole new way to fall, my falling has been consistent for over 7 years with very minor changes. This is as if it's another planet. I didn't fall completely, I was so shaken up when I found it that even though I only looked for 5-10 seconds, I literally had tremors stopping myself from going back, (if I wasn't in yeshivah going to night Seder I for sure would have fell.) I'm working this here just because I want it to be public. If I use this new method to fall I am an addict and will join a program. This is not "a test" to see if I am an addict, it is just a fact if I don't have the control to stop it from going to a new level then I am addicted. I may be an addict anyway, or right at the edge (which doesn't really make any sense I get that but that's just how I feel.) But if I fall in this way I can't make excuses anymore, I'm writing this in public now so that in a year, (or a month, or a day) I don't say "no, but it was just one time, it doesn't really count, I don't have to do it." It has to be real. I think that's one of the main advantages of posting on gye, to turn this thing that's floating around in your head into something tangible that you could look to when your head isn't in the right space. And once again thank you.

Re: Marriage in general 19 Sep 2019 19:06 #343668

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i feel the same way
"which doesn't really make any sense I get that but that's just how I feel. "
some points about your original post
do you feel better now even though you had a moment of pleasure?
have you ever felt that if there was a button to push to never have an orgasm again you wouldn't push it?
or even better (although in your theoretical case the same) to push a button to never masturbate again that you wouldn't do it?
i also believe that you misunderstood the rosh hayishiva since even non jews still get married today i don't see how your level of religiosity can turn your marriage prospects to 0
additionally the fact that you are going to night sader shows that you are on a high level of yidishkeit that many many people arent there yet

Re: Marriage in general 19 Sep 2019 20:24 #343669

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The answers to your questions in order
1.no
2. the first button I wouldn't/couldn't push the second one I would push in an instant (obviously that is coming from a place of reason it could be after a fall feeling down on myself I might even push the first button and if I was in a place where I was about to fall I might not even push the second.
3. The problem is not that I am not religious it is just that my specific type of religious (yeshivish+chasidish+modern to some degree) is not very compatible with most people since I'm not in one place. A modern girl would be to modern, I am to chasidish for a yeshivish girl and vice versa. On top of that I'm kind of poor, I know it doesn't really make a difference but it certainly doesn't help things.

Re: Marriage in general 19 Sep 2019 23:21 #343671

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Buddy I'm currently in Shidduchim and have seen all kinds of resumes. Believe me there are plenty of girls who would love someone who is yeshivish+chasidish+modern to some degree. There are plenty of girls on the girls side. All kinds all styles
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: Marriage in general 20 Sep 2019 01:04 #343672

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Iampowerless wrote on 19 Sep 2019 23:21:
Buddy I'm currently in Shidduchim and have seen all kinds of resumes. Believe me there are plenty of girls who would love someone who is yeshivish+chasidish+modern to some degree. There are plenty of girls on the girls side. All kinds all styles

You never know who will be greeting you on the other side of the door. That suspense could be kinda romantic.
I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

Re: Marriage in general 20 Sep 2019 03:34 #343675

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3. The problem is not that I am not religious it is just that my specific type of religious (yeshivish+chasidish+modern to some degree) is not very compatible with most people since I'm not in one place. A modern girl would be to modern, I am to chasidish for a yeshivish girl and vice versa. On top of that I'm kind of poor, I know it doesn't really make a difference but it certainly doesn't help things.

The true Shadchan of the world is not intimidated by your situation. Stranger "cholent recipes" have BH gotten married and raised beautiful families. And if you look around well you will find that there are quite a few very nice bochurim in the same boat as you - products of the more modern world who became a mixture of chassidish and yeshivish. Many potential wives (and their families) value idealism and courage, both necessary for someone who has moved away from his cultural background. In other words "You are a great catch"!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Marriage in general 20 Sep 2019 16:42 #343684

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Once again thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments. I fell last night,(not in the new way b"H, Hashem gave me the strength to get rid of even the capability of doing it) but even though I feel bad about it and sorry for the fact and I am farther away from Hashem, I am not as down on myself as I would have been a month ago or two. I have tried to quit many times, and failed many times. But now I feel like I am really growing. I think I always viewed it as something that was separate from myself, which in turn made me feel all the worse when I would fall because I would be "becoming" this thing. Now thanks to self introspection and thanks to all of you and gye in general I have changed my entire outlook. Now I am growing, that's it just personal growth, doing to do these things is part of personal growth. B"H I am being more mindful of triggers and emotions that I can't handle right now without m"zl, every step in the right direction is a good one even if there are ups and downs. I never moved beyond the screen, but I had always wondered what I would do if the situation arose, I used to think that I would say no but I wasn't sure, now I know because it's not about the allure anymore, it's about me, who am I as a person, I am moving to being a person who doesn't do any of these things but currently that's not reasonable to assume overnight, obviously I am trying as hard as possible but personal growth is a lot more complex than that. Thank you for all the encouragement so that I could move on to the next step and keep on making myself better. Have a good shabbos.

Re: Marriage in general 20 Sep 2019 19:01 #343685

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Bravo!! You have rewired your thinking bh, and that is the first and most important step in recovery. Keep up the good work chaver!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Marriage in general 24 Sep 2019 19:37 #343787

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It's great that you are growing! Attitude is so important. If you just focus on the negatives of all your falls, and you think if you mess up it's terrible but if you hold back you just dodged a bullet, it's hard to be motivated to fight. When you feel that you are growing, you feel much better and do much better.

Why don't you try these resources that will strengthen your feeling that you are growing:
1) Read a couple of pages from this book/ ebook every night: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. It really puts the right perspective on this fight.
2) Listen to Torah classes from Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier? He has uplifting speeches on a variety of topics that focus on growth and bring meaning to Yiddishkeit. See his website www.TheShmuz.com. (They're free.) Changed my life and many others' too. Try this one, about growth and the point of life and of working on our middos: https://theshmuz.com/shmuz/anger-management (And he also has a great series about tayva called The Fight. Check that out too: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/)
Hatzlocha! And remember: You're never stuck where you are now! Next year it might be you who's sharing your success story and what worked for you!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Best way to break free: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Try it and see!
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