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I'm Back!
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I'm Back! 2232 Views

I'm Back! 04 Jul 2019 23:25 #342109

Hello everyone,

It's been a very long time since I've posted or even looked at the forums. The time has come that I've decided I must get involved again if I want to really break free from the addictive and destructive behaviors that keep returning no matter how much better I think (or wish) I am doing. 

I joined the GYE program almost a year and a half ago and have grown tremendously from it. I was zoiche to experience the taste of freedom with a streak ending in the 150's. However, once I broke my streak a bunch of months ago it has been off and on ever since. I think that I've been telling myself, "Look, now I know that I can stay clean if I want to and that this doesn't count. I will go back to leaving it all behind one day again, but for now just this once." I still tried to stay clean but would keep falling every few weeks and began to care less and less, always telling myself that I can get clean again and that one day I'll go back to it for real. I've been suffering from a serious case of doing these things so often "na'asa lo k'heter".

I'm not sure what clicked, but now I finally decided that I want to go back to it for real. I very much want to go back to really making it happen and working hard on getting and staying clean for good. I know that when I was involved on the forums it was much easier. I didn't feel as alone. Yes, I do have a partner and a sponsor but I have been feeling too ashamed to give them the full picture of where things are holding (now you know ) and I've come to realize that at the end of the day, "ein hadavar talui elah be." 

The problem is that life is so busy and it's not easy to find the time. I am now determined to find the time at least once a week or every other week to visit the forums and get involved again. Also, now that I am being more open with my partner and sponsor it can be easier to stay more in touch with them. It's not easy to admit that I haven't managed to really stop these behaviors but I think it's worth the embarrassment. I also feel bad and hope that I'm not making them meshuga with all my updates and check ins. Life is busy for all of us.

Bottom line - I hereby am reigniting my determination to get clean and be"H will be zoiche to kick the destructive habits once and for all!!

Thank you all for being there,

Re: I'm Back! 05 Jul 2019 02:59 #342110

  • Hashem Help Me
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Honesty is key. Getting out the "big black ugly" secrets makes them tangible and conquerable. Being accountable to others is very helpful too. Its chevra like you that get better b'ezras Hashem.
Feel free to contact me at

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Re: I'm Back! 07 Jul 2019 00:08 #342119

  • ColinColin
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The key is genuinely wanting to stay clean. 
The enjoy the feeling of being clean.
And knowing what things make you fall.

To make a guess, sounds as if you are using your falls as a "stress release?"
If so find a healthier release.

Take things day by day.

Re: I'm Back! 08 Jul 2019 08:56 #342138

  • Singularity
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Hello DtW. Welcome and welcome back!

A few of your things are just too "absolute" for me:

I very much want to go back to really making it happen and working hard on getting and staying clean for good.


Bottom line - I hereby am reigniting my determination to get clean and be"H will be zoiche to kick the destructive habits once and for all!!

Flip, once and for all is a loooong time. It's too daunting to think about. When I start talking like that, it's usually just the same Yetzer Hora that loved the porn, reacting to the intense pain I felt afterwards, saying "never again!!!!" well, until the pain of not using the stuff once again tips the scales. Then I know where I'm going again.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D

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Re: I'm Back! 14 Jul 2019 16:35 #342268

Thank you singularity. You raise a very good point and I very much agree. The absolute thinking of "Never again!!" and "Staying clean forever!!" was coming from the intense reaction to run away from the pain of being stuck in the shameful mud. Although it is important to have goals, dreams, and aspirations, being too extreme can backfire and not last very long. 

B"H, the last couple weeks have been really good for me and I have been in constant contact with both my partner and sponsor. I am now in a more grounded and stable place without that same sense of panic and urgency. I can now keep the focus on the here and now, taking it day by day be"H.

Re: I'm Back! 22 Jul 2019 16:39 #342478

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here and doing much better. I have been keeping the contact with my sponsor and partner going and am feeling much more optimistic and in control. Moving forward day by day... I will keep checking in be"H.
Thanks all for the chizuk!
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