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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Desperate Dreams 235 Views

Desperate Dreams 20 Feb 2019 06:56 #339092

  • bymknh
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Hi everyone! Though I'm involved here on GYE for a couple of years now, this is my first time posting on the forum, so here goes:
I'm going to skip my long and painful journey as lately it has been in a pretty low place. I never had internet at home and would only fall periodically when I had to take care of something out of the house online. I recently moved and now require a home computer but of course, I installed the best filter TAG recommended. Let's just say I can write the book on how to get around your filter when you want to "explore". I even called the filter company in times of strength to have them remove the loopholes, but I've found more since then.
I'm writing now because I've recently been having these disturbing dreams at night and I want to know if anyone else experienced this.
I would dream that something terrible is happening; such as someone breaking into my house, or witnessing or being involved in a car accident or some other scary situation that would require emergency services. I would then try to call 911 but I'm never able to get it right. Usually I dial the wrong numbers, but sometimes the phone just doesn't work and I'm never able to get through to police. I then wake up in desperation and realize it was a dream. It's come to a point where I just had such a dream a couple of nights ago and actually told myself in the dream that it must be a dream because I was unable to dial.
(I'm shaking as I write this btw)
I searched online (not recommended), and found that many other people have these exact dreams and the "Posrei Chalomos" of the internet all say that such recurring dreams mean a person is going through some severe anxiety and desperation in his life- something which needs immediate help, but the person feels he is not able to get the help he needs. This describes my current struggle with porn precisely, as I feel totally out of control and I'm spending hours a few nights a week just searching for something to see even with my filter in place. The worst times are when I get a new device or I find myself in a place with unfiltered access, I begin to search through all the shmutz I found before but couldn't see because of the filter. I'm walking around like a zombie all day and I'm severely under-performing at work because of my lack of sleep and I find myself going to my car periodically for 10-15 minute snoozes throughout the day just so I can function for another couple of hours. I was asked to take over delivering a regular shiur recently and turned it down even though I would have gained tremendously from it because I'm just not functioning.
Does this match anyone else's struggle? Please respond. Thank you to all my brothers out there who are "Imi batzara".

Re: Desperate Dreams 20 Feb 2019 09:24 #339093

  • Shteeble
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1944
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Welcome to GYE!!
I can relate a lot to what you write about getting past filters, being up in middle of the night, and "opportunity triggers." It's going to be a journey. You can get better. Keep on posting.

You mentioned the dream thing. Here's a tip. If you ever want to wake up from a dream, try this: Move your eyes from side to side in rapid succession. You have control over your eyes during sleep. Doing this will most likely wake you up quickly.

Welcome again.
Last Edit: 20 Feb 2019 09:26 by Shteeble. Reason: posts are better when they make sense

Re: Desperate Dreams 20 Feb 2019 16:29 #339105

  • mggsbms
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bymknh wrote on 20 Feb 2019 06:56:
Hi everyone! Though I'm involved here on GYE for a couple of years now, this is my first time posting on the forum, so here goes:
I'm going to skip my long and painful journey as lately it has been in a pretty low place. I never had internet at home and would only fall periodically when I had to take care of something out of the house online. I recently moved and now require a home computer but of course, I installed the best filter TAG recommended. Let's just say I can write the book on how to get around your filter when you want to "explore". I even called the filter company in times of strength to have them remove the loopholes, but I've found more since then.
I'm writing now because I've recently been having these disturbing dreams at night and I want to know if anyone else experienced this.
I would dream that something terrible is happening; such as someone breaking into my house, or witnessing or being involved in a car accident or some other scary situation that would require emergency services. I would then try to call 911 but I'm never able to get it right. Usually I dial the wrong numbers, but sometimes the phone just doesn't work and I'm never able to get through to police. I then wake up in desperation and realize it was a dream. It's come to a point where I just had such a dream a couple of nights ago and actually told myself in the dream that it must be a dream because I was unable to dial.
(I'm shaking as I write this btw)
I searched online (not recommended), and found that many other people have these exact dreams and the "Posrei Chalomos" of the internet all say that such recurring dreams mean a person is going through some severe anxiety and desperation in his life- something which needs immediate help, but the person feels he is not able to get the help he needs. This describes my current struggle with porn precisely, as I feel totally out of control and I'm spending hours a few nights a week just searching for something to see even with my filter in place. The worst times are when I get a new device or I find myself in a place with unfiltered access, I begin to search through all the shmutz I found before but couldn't see because of the filter. I'm walking around like a zombie all day and I'm severely under-performing at work because of my lack of sleep and I find myself going to my car periodically for 10-15 minute snoozes throughout the day just so I can function for another couple of hours. I was asked to take over delivering a regular shiur recently and turned it down even though I would have gained tremendously from it because I'm just not functioning.
Does this match anyone else's struggle? Please respond. Thank you to all my brothers out there who are "Imi batzara".

Your story is a very familiar one - sans the dreams - it reminds me a lot of my personal story. stick around here and post. Get in contact with someone real, it could be someone from GYE, it should be a game changer. You need to get out of isolation and share your struggles, and get to the bottom of why you are being pulled to bypass the filters etc. My heart goes out to you chaver please don't feel all is lost, there is a way to get better.
Aka -  Mischadeish075

Re: Desperate Dreams 20 Feb 2019 16:49 #339106

  • Workingguy
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All very normal for us normal guys here on GYE- the obsessive searching even with filters in place, bad and guilt ridden dreams.

Reach our to people; it sounds like you’re frustrated with your situation, and maybe it can be an impetus to really give a serious go at this issue now. 

Re: Desperate Dreams 20 Feb 2019 21:38 #339119

  • Tzvi5
  • Current streak: 962 days
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  • Posts: 35
  • Karma: 4
bymknh wrote on 20 Feb 2019 06:56:
Hi everyone! Though I'm involved here on GYE for a couple of years now, this is my first time posting on the forum, so here goes:
I'm going to skip my long and painful journey as lately it has been in a pretty low place. I never had internet at home and would only fall periodically when I had to take care of something out of the house online. I recently moved and now require a home computer but of course, I installed the best filter TAG recommended. Let's just say I can write the book on how to get around your filter when you want to "explore". I even called the filter company in times of strength to have them remove the loopholes, but I've found more since then.
I'm writing now because I've recently been having these disturbing dreams at night and I want to know if anyone else experienced this.
I would dream that something terrible is happening; such as someone breaking into my house, or witnessing or being involved in a car accident or some other scary situation that would require emergency services. I would then try to call 911 but I'm never able to get it right. Usually I dial the wrong numbers, but sometimes the phone just doesn't work and I'm never able to get through to police. I then wake up in desperation and realize it was a dream. It's come to a point where I just had such a dream a couple of nights ago and actually told myself in the dream that it must be a dream because I was unable to dial.
(I'm shaking as I write this btw)
I searched online (not recommended), and found that many other people have these exact dreams and the "Posrei Chalomos" of the internet all say that such recurring dreams mean a person is going through some severe anxiety and desperation in his life- something which needs immediate help, but the person feels he is not able to get the help he needs. This describes my current struggle with porn precisely, as I feel totally out of control and I'm spending hours a few nights a week just searching for something to see even with my filter in place. The worst times are when I get a new device or I find myself in a place with unfiltered access, I begin to search through all the shmutz I found before but couldn't see because of the filter. I'm walking around like a zombie all day and I'm severely under-performing at work because of my lack of sleep and I find myself going to my car periodically for 10-15 minute snoozes throughout the day just so I can function for another couple of hours. I was asked to take over delivering a regular shiur recently and turned it down even though I would have gained tremendously from it because I'm just not functioning.
Does this match anyone else's struggle? Please respond. Thank you to all my brothers out there who are "Imi batzara".

You need a stronger mind which would allow you to control your life better.
pm me if you are interested.
Knas money can go to paypal.me/196leadersoftomorrow?locale.x=en_US
Help Jewish public school students receive Jewish education once a week.
may that be a zchus you'll decide to change your life around.
Email aronieberger@gmail.com to find out how an ex sa member found serenity through Torah Study.

link to my story guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/339218-My-journey-to-sanity

Re: Desperate Dreams 21 Feb 2019 01:32 #339126

  • ColinColin
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I have those type of dreams.
especially where I am in danger and no matter what I do I cannot break free.

But then sometimes I have similar dreams and I escape the danger.

My answer is to daven, and to take part in activities which reduce stress.

Always have an activity lined up to replace the internet with.
Even if it is reading a book.

Re: Desperate Dreams 21 Feb 2019 06:38 #339129

  • bymknh
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I guess you're right that I shouldn't be going this totally alone. How do I get in touch with someone real? (I hope I'm ready...)
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