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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: shalom bayis issues 230 Views

shalom bayis issues 05 Dec 2018 07:09 #337700

  • Iwtbf613
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So my wife and I fight a ton, we always have since we got married. we had a very rocky start, we almost didn't make it through our shana rishona- I say it now like it's so simple, but in the moment it was one of the scariest most depressing experiences of my life. She was pregnant with our first child and she kept demanding a divorce and we were in a horrible kolel situation. BH right around chanukah time, things took a drastic turn for the better and our relationship is full of love. That's the thing though: we love each other, but we fight SO MUCH. I still feel like we could get divorced, although I really don't want to. She doesn't know about my struggle and I'm afraid of evert telling her. Sometimes I just think about how different we are as people, not like that's a death sentence for a marriage, sometimes different is good, but the point is that we are hardwired differently, our brains and the way we communicate is different, making simple things so difficult. We had a fight tonight and like so many other times, I worked really hard to apologize, humbling myself a lot, but my hurt ego still feels like it needs so release. Enter in porn! This has been one of the main ways that I deal with stress in my marriage and now I feel lust hungry. I will probably just go to bed right after posting this, but I just had to see...anyone else have a similar problem to mine?
in sobriety,
iwtbf613

Re: shalom bayis issues 05 Dec 2018 13:02 #337705

  • cordnoy
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Iwtbf613 wrote on 05 Dec 2018 07:09:
So my wife and I fight a ton, we always have since we got married. we had a very rocky start, we almost didn't make it through our shana rishona- I say it now like it's so simple, but in the moment it was one of the scariest most depressing experiences of my life. She was pregnant with our first child and she kept demanding a divorce and we were in a horrible kolel situation. BH right around chanukah time, things took a drastic turn for the better and our relationship is full of love. That's the thing though: we love each other, but we fight SO MUCH. I still feel like we could get divorced, although I really don't want to. She doesn't know about my struggle and I'm afraid of evert telling her. Sometimes I just think about how different we are as people, not like that's a death sentence for a marriage, sometimes different is good, but the point is that we are hardwired differently, our brains and the way we communicate is different, making simple things so difficult. We had a fight tonight and like so many other times, I worked really hard to apologize, humbling myself a lot, but my hurt ego still feels like it needs so release. Enter in porn! This has been one of the main ways that I deal with stress in my marriage and now I feel lust hungry. I will probably just go to bed right after posting this, but I just had to see...anyone else have a similar problem to mine?
in sobriety,
iwtbf613

Sorry to hear about your issues and struggles. I obviously don't know you at all, but as I'm a bettin' man, i would wager and give you odds that you will never fix your shalom bayis issues as long as you are either strugglin' (or lustin') with porn or you keep this filthy little secret from your wife (and I'm not suggestin' that you disclose it to her).

Yehi ratzon that you should live a happy, healthy life with your lovin' eishes chayil for 120 years, with sobriety under (or over) your belt.

Godspeed!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: shalom bayis issues 05 Dec 2018 20:11 #337709

  • neshamaincharge
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I can relate to much of what you posted. BH our marriage has gotten much better since I found GYE. Life without fighting is possible. Stick around here and may you be blessed with Hatzlacha

Re: shalom bayis issues 06 Dec 2018 06:01 #337718

  • Iwtbf613
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Thanks! I actually had a really great chat with someone on GYE last night about it and I got some amazing clarity. Although I just got into another fight with her. I just feel like she's so needy. Idk, sometimes I seriously wonder why Hashem put us together. She's incredibly sensitive and get's hurt easily and I tend to naturally not be able to be as sensitive as she needs. Like, I love her and everything, but it's exhausting being married to her.

Re: shalom bayis issues 06 Dec 2018 07:14 #337720

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Thanks for sharing. I understand all too well.
I need to get back to you when I figure out, but I have a few small ideas that I wish I had known before that have definitely helped.
1) Recognize that when things are shakey in a relationship that often arguments are positive for your wife. While things are imperfect, arguing is a madreiga - it means something is still there. I have found that often my wife letting off steam is beneficial to her. She acts better afterward and can often seemingly take a complete turn after an extended text/call/both drasha. I still have trouble because of my lack of self-esteem hearing her harsh words. But try to know that the specifics are not important, she is in pain (or you or both) and she wants to not be in pain. She is not, in fact, expressing seriously practical beliefs even if she will defend them due to her being upset. Even if it doesn't totally go in, this idea is powerful. This discussion is not why you are a loser due to XYZ, it's a woman who is sad and trying to feel better.
2) Don't try to not show being upset or angry. Of course, control yourself but showing emotion, expressing frustration in an honest and forthcoming way can often be very positive. Men are in general not good with emotions. Expressing your own pain is taken well often by one's wife. He is not ignoring me!
3) I happen to read this book that was recommended on the forums about the 5 languages of love (per the poster there their chosson teacher or rebbe recommended). What a book! I still am figuring out to implement, but it is a great starter from the fact we often fight to improve our marriage with the tools that would work if we were married to ourself, not to our spouse.

If you want to message, would be happy to speak. 
Our challenges are meant to awaken us not destroy us.
It's very hard, but don't give up! 

Re: shalom bayis issues 06 Dec 2018 17:46 #337729

  • Iwtbf613
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Thanks! I've actually checked out 5 love languages, it's a very powerful book and BH my wife knows her love languages and I'm pretty sure I know mine. I think when things like this happen (meaning fights with my wife that leave me resenting her, etc.) I need to do some self-reflection. After I posted the recent post, I did some journaling regarding my issues with her and of course it all comes back to my fear of true commitment. If I am in a position of being a giver and not a taker/receiver, then I will be able to give her the proper things that she needs. It happened to be that we fought because she wanted/needed my attention and I shrugged off my responsibility of giving/showing it to her so that I could do some GYE recovery work, as well as some actual work. We made up this morning and once again feel strong. I know that something needs to change, most likely that change has to come from inside.

Re: shalom bayis issues 12 Dec 2018 16:33 #337802

  • neshamaincharge
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I recently went through my drawer and read thru a bunch of letters between myself and my wife. It brought back such painful memories and also gave me a new appreciation of how far we've come in the last few years. Its like we can finally breathe after 20 years of suffocation. Perhaps check out my thread in the baalei batim section, where your issue is discussed at length (Mostly on the last few pages). Wishing you much hatzlacha!

Re: shalom bayis issues 17 Dec 2018 06:19 #337871

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That is EXACTLY why Hashem put you together-because this is probably one of the main reasons you were put on this earth to work on this issue, and remember if this is the job you were given. YOU CAN DEFINITELY SUCCEED. Just keep this in mind at all times this is you're purpose in life and it will become much easier for you, Good luck!!!
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