The battle line has been drawn.

I acted out because I can't keep victimizing my wife. For reasons that are highly classified and only visible to people who have access to the married forum, I cannot count on her. I have to abstain for the foreseeable future. I was going to throw in the towel but that feels like such a downer. I need to fight and fail if necessary.

I think g.sh.b.y. suggested I turn off my desire towards my wife too. I think it's not fair, and that is one key distortion to attack.

As Churchill said, we will fight on the beaches, we will fight on the landing grounds, we will never surrender ... This proves that normal people sometimes get into projects that have little chance of success, so it should be okay for me to do it too.

One thing that was bothering me was the idea that I have a right to feel desire for my wife. If I eliminate it will I be deprived of pleasure forever?

I think I shouldn't worry about that because I have seen my secret tool at work in other contexts and I should expect a similar result, namely that I end up being aware of opportunities for desire, but I'm not overwhelmed with it as long as I use the tool.

What I'm about to do is really crazy. I need to see the truth, namely that there is nothing that can turn me on even in my wife. To be honest I'm not even sure if this possible. But that's the key, to first know it's impossible and then believe that it's possible.

This is not going to work unless I can identify some activities that are a) extremely engrossing, b) always available on a moment's notice. Maybe other conditions I am not aware of at the moment.

I have to keep using my bipolar tool because if I get depressed I'm going to jump off the wagon with both feet.

It's very counterintuitive to un-learn desire for basic anatomy. Nuts ...

Had to use my tool twice for thoughts about two different parts of the body. Pretty scary but so far so good. I wish I had a bigger screen to play videogames on though. I think seeing the detail on the screen helps.

I was thinking that over the years I gave up a ton of things that I thought made me happy. When I became frum I had to quit p*rn cold turkey. I gave up my ex wife so I could be frum. I gave up my rebbi so I could keep my family together. I gave up my bipolar behavior. I gave up on becoming knowledgeable in Torah. I gave up on enjoying my wife. The point is that each time I forgot my old expectations and started with new ones. And each time it felt impossible, unfair, horrible ...

Got home, she's wearing that shirt. Had to use the tool again. Unbelievably, the desire seems manageable now.

Hair. Here we go again.

I'm going to be a professional race car driver by the time this is over ...

I hate her job because she's forced to look beautiful there.

I feel like I want to thank G-d a thousand times because over the years I decreased my desire so much and understood her and myself so well that I don't really resent her.

I was listening to a colleague talking on the phone and I had a flashback to the overwhelming feeling I used to get when I looked at her. Now it's manageable, and the difference feels like when one is narrowly missed by a moving truck, or something. I have a very hard time describing it. Wow.

She's back.

This time the urge was less because the trigger was the same as earlier today, but earlier work brought it down. Still pretty high though. Had to reapply tool and chip away at it some more.

Terrifying.

She did something that I really shouldn't say here about two feet away from me that should turn on a dead man. But her mind doesn't go there and she can't imagine why I would get turned on. Back to the tool ...

This morning we were having an argument about some random thing but I was very busy and uncharacteristically pointed out that she was being argumentative. Her reaction caught me by surprise and I had some desire. I used the poof procedure with the racing game.

Yesterday's shirt is fading away in my mind. Still scary though.