Hello everyone. I have not posted in a long time. Going up and down as usual . Lately I have been doing well but last week was pretty bad, so I decided to come back on the forum. I am now 21 years old and rebbeim have suggested shidduchim for me. I tell that that I’m waiting for my brother and I have somethings I must take care of. They think I mean school but I really mean this addiction. I get so frustrated when I look back that I’ve been struggling for so freakin long. I wish this rollercoaster was over and I can live a normal life. I am so jealous of those holy children that have no worries on their mind. I read on GYE the pamphlets they have for bar mitzva boys and I am frustrated that no one had these talks with me. I heard About it in camp from some kids,I read it on the internet but no rebbe or parent spoke to me about it. When my mom found I bought a book on porn prevention all she did was cry and made me tell her I won’t do it again. I Wish it was different. I wish filters were as common as they are now. I know it’s assur to be jealous but I really am. I am stuck in the mud for so many years when kids actually get a healthy educAtion. Basically I wanted to tell that to everyone
I was speaking to my therapist today and we got into an arguement what’s “normal sexuality” he’s Frum and we were discussing the topic. I said no sexuality is good. And thoughts are evil and tamed. He was claiming that it’s a normal thing that kids find out. I was always curious how kids understand the first Misha in kiddushin, what’s Biah. I knew from bad sources but I told him that seemingly a religious kid should no zero about these things. Then I read the booklets and was interested that they really explained it to the boys. I guess the more you tell them the less they have to find out the wrong way and get stuck in the mud.
also I wanted to ask if anyone is able to be my sponsor. Honestly I’m holding before the 12 steps and I can’t stop first. So therefore I would prefer not 12 steps. so if anyone can help me I would be very happy. Message me. 
Thanks everyone for listening

Welcome back. Take a deep breath!

Hoo boy, I can totally relate to the shidduchim pains. I'm 24 and have barely dated. The pressure is mounting and its getting harder to brush off all the suggestions. I believe it varies from person to person, but if you need to address your porn struggles and related issues first, my mindset is try not to worry too much about it. God has a plan and a shidduch for you, in the grand scheme of things if you get married at 21 or 29 it will matter very little, IMHO. Especially if you are really working on something like this which will affect your marriage so drastically.

I know how easy it is to get frustrated but try to keep your focus on the path ahead. Dwelling on the past only leads to pain. As hard as it is, we gotta set our sights on the future.

I don't think I agree with your notion that it should be normal for a religious teenage kid to know nothing about sexuality. It's quite common for your average frum kid to be completely ignorant but I think it does them a disservice. When I started Kiddushin in high school my rebbi didn't get into any gory details but it was quite clear what biah was all about. Like you say, the more you tell them the less they have to find out the wrong way.

It's great that you're going to therapy, that's something I'm currently working up the courage to do. Stick around and keep working at it one day at a time, with God's help you will overcome!

Welcome back and thanks for sharing. 

I started using my own edition of the TaPHSiC method. I don’t know if it’s the right thing but when I know I will be in a dangerous situation I p,edge that if I fall I will give a certain amount of money to Tzedaka . It’s not the real one because ido it by time by time. I realized that somuch In advance doesn’t help me

abieham wrote on 08 Feb 2018 05:56:

Does it work? If so, keep going. If not, keep browsing around here.

Baruch HaShem. I’ve been clean for a week. This method is good for me because it makes it is made close to the fall so I remember it nd have that inspiration not to fall. The only con is that I can just not make it. Honestly I hate porn. When I don’t act out I feel free, I don’t have to hide anything and I feel in control. Is that against the 12 steps. I am not so into that method. I ask for help from Hashem but if I don’t try I don’t think he will help me. Anyways I was told by my sponsor that I’m not considered an addict because I can think bout other things. Tomorrow be”h I will work with my therapist and do my homework my sponsor gave me

Mazel tov on a week. Keep posting and being in touch with the oilam here. Being able to be open and transparent is very relieving and at the same time the accountability to others is a powerful tool. Also by removing the secretiveness, the big dark secret is defined into a specific definable and conqeurable item. Continued hatzlocha.