I'm a 20 yr old yeshiva guy, since when i was about 9 years old i was exposed to really dirty online images
initially i was in a state of shock and confusion bec i was so young- i had no idea of these things- i was a scared little boy- and i thought i was a bad horrible person for seeing what i saw.
i was to scared and embarrassed to tell anyone. initially after the first time i was exposed - i was so afraid and scared that it took me a good few months - maybe even a year -to muster up the courage, to satisfy my curiosity (bec although i had this crazy fear- i also had something pulling me towards it -and it was more than just a taivah it was like when someone has a drive-or a pull to do something dangerous- they enjoy the high- of the rush of adrenaline and such....
anyway so thats where my problem started. eventually as i became a teenager the problem got worse because at that point i discovered real pornography (like not just pictures) and although at first i was to scared to check out real pornography - i had friends who were very bad influences and would convince me that its normal and that statistically millions of people watch porn.
as i became a teenager - the problem developed for i discovered (again through bad friends- i was in a bad camp one summer) masturbation. once i discovered masturbation, even my pornography problem intensified - (which i think is quite understandable on its own...)
as i started high school i started to really enjoy learning- this definitely helped with my problem- but the problem was still there.
as i reached 10th grade the problem was getting more and more - and it was really bothering me- thats when i decided to make a bold move- it was time to confront my father. now i was very scared and unsure as to how my father would react- because although he is extremely warm and excepting- i had a perception of myself as a bad person (somewhat- i didnt constantly feel bad as if i was a rasha - but when thinking of my problem and understanding the gravtivity of the problem - i "understood" that if this is a bad bad problem and i have it....... )
and so i decided to not confront my father, bec i knew i wouldnt be able to muster up the courage to do that - but since i knew something had to be done- i decided to leave a trail- i didnt delete my internet history -knowing that my dad will for sure see it.
anyway to make a long story short, my dad saw it confronted me and we spoke for a long time (in the car)
my father was extremely understanding- so much so that i eventually went back to my problem even tho my father knew- but i would always tell him when id fall-not always right away but eventually
and my father would be mechazek me and together we would take the steps to make sure it wouldnt happen again (better filters - better codes...)
but about a year and a half after "confronting" my father i felt the problem was still there -and really had to be taken care of
so although it was crazy hard i mustered up the courage and spoke to a rebbe-
to make a long story short, this only helped for a few months - but the rebbe would never follow up with me and eventually i lost touch with him....
at this point is was extremely frustrating, i felt that no matter what i do or who i open up to - "i am broken"
to the point of no repair - ifelt i couldnt be fixed.
and on my own i struggled for 2.5 yrs- i had my good days and my bad days - at one point i even went about 3 months (from shavuos untill august) without masterbating or seeing any porn
but i still strugled tremendously overall- now im not sure when
but at some point my struggle developed into a more intense problem- for i became very desensitized towards woman and people - i bh didnt act upon this. but when i would walk in the streets and i would see an attractive woman- i would see her as a sex object and not as a human being - this was getting worse and worse- i felt like a slave to my taivos - everywhere i went, this was always on my mind i was always looking for something to look at and fantasize about.
bh this year i opened up to an uncle of mine- who is very good in chinuch and really knows these things- he really helps me constantly and he set me up with a therapist who i see once a week - im still in the begining -first steps but be'ezras hashem i will have a full recovory bzman koriv
and yes i can definitally use all the support from people out there
ps. i didnt give the full 100% story - but everything thats there is 100% accurate
