i may be entirely wrong and i am mainly talking from my own experience but i have found that an inhibitor towards opening up to others is the concern that they will have never experienced anything like it and will write me off as a wacko. Practical experience has shown that the opposite is true. Many of the issues i have are similar to others and that knowledge itself is valuable in its own right.

A good friend and a concerned listener can provide validation, sympathy and a way to unload it off your chest. It would feel less overwhelming to tell someone you trust about whatever it is. It would reduce it to it's true size and eliminate the 'inflation' that trends to happen when we agonize over something and churn it over in our minds.

thanks SB for bringing these ideas to light. you have a very direct, concise and clear way of expression.

You're probably right - but I just find myself feeling like the issues between me and my wife are private, and should be kept that way.

On the other hand, opening up would probably help me improve my marriage and the way I see things and respond/react to them.

they definitely are private and should be kept private. but that does not preclude getting advice and perspective when needed from a trustworthy person. It's not like you are talking to the National Enquirer or something like that.

If you think that the rav/mentor you speak with will be surprised to hear your story or issue because of it's 'weirdness' or because it is so 'bad' i think you will be surprised to hear that the stories that they hear cover all the bases and it is hard to spring something new on them. (i do not mean that your story is bad or worse than anyone else, i am just thinking about my own experience and what made me hesitate to open up).

As you say, you will gain by opening up and so will your wife.

It's one thing to open up to a rebbe - but my rebbe is very busy, and while he will make time for me, I can't always reach him immediately when I need to vent or get a better perspective. Hence, my considering the option of opening up to a friend. Not someone who'll blab, obviously, but even so...

why not open to a GYE-er who doesn't actually know who Mr & Mrs S. Battle really are?

silentbattle wrote on 20 Jan 2011 18:25:


For me, this keeping things to myself was a big part of "I can do it on my own.  I don't need anyone's help."  I figure if I can tell someone I've been m*st or looking at p*rn and I feel awful and please help me, then... anything really goes, doesn't it?  And, baruch hashem, we can start sharing real life with each other.

--Eye.

hi SB,
how are you doing?

silentbattle wrote on 17 Jan 2011 06:39:


First off, I just finished reading some 30 pages of your thread. The beginning and the end. Wow. I have a HUGE headache!

Second, personally I feel that just like regarding lust once we take the first sip we've lost the battle, similarly is this so when handling other negative aspects of our life.

I think this could be approached with a few things. First, just like we realized that acting out (read: relying on ourselves) is killing us, (or something along those lines,) so too our fear or neediness whatever it might be is also causing us to (in one way or another) kill ourselves. Either in and of itself or because it starts leading us to our strongest weakness  :o which is acting out through lusting. So the next step would be that when we start getting into a situation where we feel weak or needy we say "Ok, I'm feeling this way, but I'm not going to let it control me, here Hashem, you take care of it. I have stuff to do." Because if Hashem is able to handle our lusting, I don't think he'll do that terrible of job dealing with a little neediness.

Second, just like regarding lusting, we make personal boundaries for ourselves, like a filter and accountability software on our computers, or not wearing glasses in the street or going the longer route to shul, so too regarding feelings of fear and neediness. Nip it in the bud! Try to look back as to why you started feeling this way, what got the train of thought moving? Then you can see what actions or thoughts or scenes or whatever cause you to start feeling this way and next time they come up you'll be able to skirt around the issue with a much clearer head because you aren't caught up yet in the feelings of fear, you just know that's where you're headed if you don't act quickly. And we'll always be here to hear you out.

silentbattle wrote on 20 Jan 2011 18:25:


Obviously I don't know what you're talking about or what the situation is exactly. I'm not even married yet to be giving (offering?) advice to a married couple! However, I can say from personal experience dealing and improving my relationship with my parents that oftentimes they have NO IDEA that something they say or do makes me start feeling a certain way. What I have found however, is that simply telling them that something they did makes me nervous, or better yet just telling them "I'm really bummed out about this" or "I'm feeling very anxious" works absolute wonders. Just because they hear what I'm saying and (most of the time) acknowledge my feeling a certain way and sometimes ask whats up or offer their two cents. That brief communication works wonders with me feeling a lot closer to my parents (and I dare say they feel the same way).

Anyway, that was long enough and as usual if someone disagrees or wants to add or modify, go right ahead. I'm open to change.

KOT

-Mac

ZS - Boruch Hashem, doing OK - you?

Macabee - thank you for your response! Wow...30 pages of my thread, I'm impressed!

Your advice is good. However, there are often times when an outside perspective is good. When you're already feeling negative, and trying to have a discussion while under the influence of those emotions isn't always a good idea. Your point is well taken, though, and I always welcome any input, especially yours!

Otherwise, for me, things are complicated, and confusing, and, well, good!

I'm learning more about being married, and trying to figure it all out. It isn't always easy.

One thing I'm working on now is figuring out how to balance the fact that expectations are a very negative force in a marriage. At the same time, when I'm in a situation where I'm starting to feel resentful (or better yet, where I will start to feel resentful), I need to speak up, to improve things.

silentbattle wrote on 27 Jan 2011 06:33:


By "things," you are referring to your wife?

--Eye.

No - I can't make my wife change. But I by speaking up, before I let my resentment build, I can improve a toxic situation - when I say "things," I refer to situations.

Hello SB.  Been awhile.  I see your hanging in there.  KUTGW!

Goood morning SB. It's tzaddik90 here. Ive read maybe 100 posts of your saga. We definitely overlap in nisayon. What's fascinating is that over the two year book of your life, you dont reveal or deal with various issues until echelons later. Everything in your story was gradual, and many feelings of yours repeated themselves. But were all like that arent we. In my mind i particularly remember your post of dec. 24, 2009, i think.
I cant forget a line of yours-"We are the front lines!"
  What can i say. In fact, i even have a little urge to pm you about some acting out i did in my past that relatesto the begining of your whole ma'aseh. If i can only get over my fears of even just pm-ing you about it, id do it.
  However, im not sure if theres a purpose to reveal it. Its not in the now, it was then. But the truth is that im not being straightforward. SB, use your ninja tactics to put me in submission and to tell it to you.
ANd by the way, i Am trained as a real ninja (shima style)-and yes ive read 300 of steven haye's ninja books;
Tzaddik90

Yay, Sci! Thank you!  :D

Welcome, Reb Tzadik! We need as many ninjas as we can get here!

In all seriousness, part of being a ninja is not to be loud. And for us, that's important, too. We have a job to do, and we need to do it. We can and should feel joy at staying clean, but not to get caught up in the battle, and be proud of the battle.

silentbattle wrote on 04 Feb 2011 06:30:

does that include posting?

we miss you here, SB