i think you clarified that point well

Although I don't think that emoticon conveyed the true sticking-out-tongue message I wanted to convey...

do you feel like.......    throwing a dead possum?

???

Not particularly, no...Some of my best friends are possums.  :D

On a more serious note...For a while I wondered what the connection was between working on areas of kedusha (i.e., our work here), and the weeks of shovavim. Then it hit me, and it seemed so obvious, I'm not even sure what my question was. Feel free to add your own thoughts, of course, but here are a few of my own. I'll add more over the next few days, hopefully.

The obvious point one: Mitzrayim was the absolute lack of ruchniyos, absolute disconnection, absolute tumah. And we were stuck, and falling fast, and these are the weeks when we got out of that pit.

The next few parshiyos talk about what happened afterward - only after we got out could we get the torah, and make ourselves a dwelling place for Hashem.

The process of being taken out of mitzrayim involved clear nissim. Any of us who've been clean for a while can say that we can feel hashem working his magic in our lives.

Beautiful SB!
thanks for sharing those ideas

I need to work more on trusting. It's so hard - in part because I grew up in a house without trust, and also because I have some trouble believing, on a deep level, that someone could truly love me wholeheartedly.

I need to work on letting and and accepting the love that my wife has for me. Seeing how much she cares about me.

silentbattle wrote on 13 Jan 2011 06:26:


Hi, I'm new around here, single, 28, I can really relate to your story. I share the same fears, a very deepseated lonliness because I'm not married yet. Reading your story gives me a lot of chizuk.  I think it's pretty cool that your teshuvah is causing/helping others to do teshuvah.  Thanks for posting.  I hope my story continues like yours, i.e. getting engaged.

silentbattle wrote on 13 Jan 2011 06:26:


For me, I think I am recently finding out that I have been undermining my own ability to trust myself, ironically, by trying to rely on myself.  Trying to make decisions that I'm not qualified to make instead of referring them to the appropriate Rabbi or doctor.  Trying to do things that I'm not qualified to do, instead of admitting my limits and handing off the work to someone else.  The more I would try to do, the messier things would just get.

--Eye.

Eye - I definitely have that issue. Without being able to trust, it's hard to relax and let go, and let someone else handle stuff.

NoYiush - I was helped by a lot of other people here, and continue to be inspired by everyone here - including you - that comes here to grow.

I hope you get engaged as a result of your getting clean, too! However, to me, the lesson I learned a slightly different.  I learned that whether or not we see it, Hashem is always notciing ewhat we're doing, and seeing our growth, and he's very, very, proud of us. And the things we do, the changes we make, really do make a difference. And He cares, and he's always with us.

I would also say that it's very difficult to get engaged and married without working on this issue, for several reasons. Aside from the central issue itself, it also puts us into a frame of mind that's very unhealthy, looking for the wrong things - which confuses us doubly, since we're usually aware on some of the real things that we need. It also gives us a huge secret in our lives, and when you're trying to protect a big, ugly, dirty secret, it's difficult (impossible?) to open up ourselves to someone else, and also to see someone else as being a good person.

That's just a little bit of why getting clean before we date is so important. Otherwise, it tends to be a waste of time, money, effort, and emotions - on both sides (and that's not really fair to the girls, either).

I would recommend taking a dating break while you get some distance from this issue. It worked wonders for me, and allowed me to grow in the best way possible.

Man...sometimes, I feel so silly! I can realize that my neediness and fears are taking over, and coloring my perspective, but that doesn't always help me get out of my negative mindset.

Any advice, or thoughts to share?

a short term remedy that often helps me, is to take a deep breath, imagine myself letting go of whatever is pulling me down and then doing a random selfless act of kindess for my wifem like getting her a drink.

All I can say is that you're not alone out there.
A lot of the things you say seem to echo my thoughts at one time or another.
(I guess most of us have similar things that got us here).

Have you read Gateway to happiness? It really helped me.

About half a year ago, I found I was pretty down and it was because my iron levels were low. Your body needs iron to transport oxygen to all your organs and things really go downhill if there is a shortage.
After a few multi-vitamins, I was feeling like a new person.

Try talking your problems through with yourself out loud or write them down - that helps the mind grasp what issues are real and what things are just getting us down for no real reason.

Don't be afraid to lay your problems on us, no matter how silly they are. Sometimes just asking someone else for advice helps us find the answer.

Most of the time our fears are only in our mind and we just need to ask "How does this serve me?".
Sit down, breathe, it tells your instincts that everything's okay and there's nothing to fear or flee.

silentbattle wrote on 17 Jan 2011 06:39:

Lately I have really come to appreciate the power of sharing our feelings with someone from the chevra.

This morning something was running through my head, which I knew was probably going to eat me up all day long.  I spoke to someone from the chevra, cleared my mind of it, and got on with my day.

So, realizing something is wrong in our head is really great.  Then the next step is to call up someone and clear our head of it.  I'm pretty new at this, but's it's been really amazing.

--Eye.

I'm seriously considering doing this...but whether I do it via the forum, or by phone, I feel strange talking about, say, conflict between me and my wife, even if it largely stemming from my own issues (although in the heat of the moment, I rarely realize that).