Thank you, Dov - both for the advice, and the pun.  Interestingly, what you said kinda connects to what I've been thinking about:

I've been discovering, recently, some important things. Connected to some others things I've been working on, I realized that I'm afraid of life.

Let me explain.

Most of my life, and in particular, my formative years, were spent growing up in a house without a lot of understanding, love, warmth, or respect. So to a large extent, "life," to me, is associated with "pain." I don't expect to find happiness, or that other people will respect or appreciate me, or will truly be there for me. So I live life without that security, even though now, I really do have people that are there for me.

And when something has a strong association with pain, we're afraid of it. And so...I'm afraid of...life? That seems strange, yet I believe it's correct.

I think that this is also part of what led to my addiction, my need to act out - since I was certain that I there was no happiness for me, I was desperate to grab whatever happiness I could find. And even when I was in situations that wre giving me pleasure, it was never enough, and I looked for more, more, more.

The question is, what now? How do I move beyond this fear?

Thoughs, commments, disagreements, etc, all welcome...

Can you elaborate on the part about how growing up with love and respect caused "life" to mean difficulty, I would appreciate it...
Because I don't really understand that..

But either way I think that if when we discover evidence that concretely disproves our primitive view of life we should take note of it.

I know that I am sometimes overwhelmed with relief that I forget to go back and compare my new experiences to my old way of thinking and adjust it.

Much Success

Oops - rather significant typo there :-[ :D

Thanks!

Hm. A good point. In other words, actively show your new circumstances to your old fears, yes?

silentbattle wrote on 05 Dec 2010 05:04:

I am anxiously awaiting the answer!  Your description matches my past, too!

--Eye.

OK, just thinking out loud. There's a lot of pain in my past, and although I've done a lot of work in moving forward with life, the pain is still there. And pain and fear go hand in hand.

And especially when something in particular happens to bring aspects of that pain close to home (without going into specifics), the pain and fear rises to the surface. Panic, almost. The scary part is that although there are certain things that bring the fear out more strongly, to some extent, it's pain and fear connected with life in general.

So, what to do?

I think that the first step has to be accepting the fear - realizing that the fear is there, and that it is exerting considerable influence over me. When the fear and pain seeps in, I start becoming needier, more sensitive (to my own needs), I withdraw, I shut down. When I start to realize why I'm doing these things, it makes it easier to act in a more healthy fashion. I believe that I can say, "yes, I have pain connected to x,y,and z going on in my life, but that doesn't mean I have to collapse."

speaking to someone you trust and who can listen well would probably help alleviate some of the pain you feel. when pain is held inside the heart it grows 'a beard and payos' and assumes larger proportions. telling the right person how you feel and what associations a certain event can trigger would probably help you see it more objectively and accept it for what it is - fear. as you said.

Thank you, ZS. I do have several people I can talk to, but I'm using GYE as a way of examining how I feel, and getting some feedback.

Another point - one of the primary fears/sources of pain I have is the fear that I'm not good enough. That I won't succeed. That I can't succeed. Obviously, once this fear gets up to speed, it leads me down a dark path.

I think that one of the first steps, again, is to accept the fear, and actually get on with living my life, reminding myself that it's just a fear.

silentbattle wrote on 08 Dec 2010 20:22:


Wow. Zemmy posted a beauty:




So Mr. Silent-hakisaki-Ninja-sifu-dude, I don't get it. Have you a 4th step in your life, yet? And especially, a 5-7th? These are indispensable tools for me and other folks....you are starting it with what you posted, but the tachlis of admitting and knowing the truth about ourselves and our defects is very limited - the solution is doing 6 and 7.

Write it(4), share it(5), and ask Him to help you give it up and get clear on whether you are sick of the fear, pride, or whatever else is wrong with you here - of if you are really not ready at all to give it up and would rather hold onto the familiar smelly blanket of those character defects(6)....and if you are ready to shove off into new territory , then give it up, to the best of your ability(7). That's the way we do it...my 2cents.

One more thing:

Do you believe that Hashem has schlepped you all this distance and carried you so far from where you could be, just to drop you on your butt now?

Are you drinking or something?

He is obviously completely wild about you (figure of speech, forgive me) and will stay that way.

To be honest, I've never really done the 12 steps, although I've used some of the wisdom in them. Maybe i need to spend more time working on the steps.

And re: your line that Rage just re-quoted...hmph. Good point. :-[

A thought I've been considering recently: For many of us, life experiences have taught us not to expect to find happiness in life. I know for me, that's true. So, I felt a burning drive to make sure I could find as much "happiness" as possible for myself. To give myself as much pleasure as possible. Kind of like a man who knows that his food supply could disappear at any moment.

The problem is that every time we act out, we're reinforcing that desperate mindset. We're agreeing that we can't expect happiness, and it's valid for us to feel desperate, and so we need to get pleasure now, any way we can.

And the more we reinforce that feeling, the more difficult it is to escape from.

very true, SB, imho. it seems to me that the missing piece in this thought-cycle is the trust we should have that we will be 'provided for' by Hashem and to some extent trust in other people as well, especially a spouse.

SB: I agree 1000%. (not a typo)

I'd only add that when I refrain from giving that "pleasure" to myself, I often come to ask Hashem to give me a substitute one, or even a superior one. And when His [superior] choices for me don't immediately feel as good [in that moment], I can start to feel pretty down.

So for me, the trickiest part is remembering that "I can't always get what I want, but... I can get what I need." [ha'mayvin mayvin] After all, who knows better, me or TBGU?

Thanks, Briut...is it possible that that feeling, as well, comes from a worry about a lack of pleasure in life, a fear of deprivation?

ZS - how do you work on feeling that more? I've been htinking about setting aside a few minutes every day to focus on remembering that hashem, my wife, life itself, are good...and that I can be happy.

More, that the ability to be happy lies in me. Darn, that's hard to remember sometimes, and harder to do.

This idea, finding more pleasure in life, is something I've been thinking about recently.

I noticed that I often feel like some sort of piece of machinary in the great big machine that is life.  I noticed it most poigniently at bed time one night--put one kid to bed, right on to the next one, done, now the next one.  Move along, do your job.

When it came to our baby, I rocked him to sleep.  My job was done, and I was about to place him in his crib.  Then, the thought came to mind--just enjoy this for a moment.  A little baby asleep in my arms.  I'm his tahte, he fell asleep in my arms.  And, (I know this may be cliche, but it's what I did and it worked:) I thought of a few couples I know who are not so furtunate to have children.  I'm glad to finally put this baby to sleep and get on with life.  But, how would THEY feel just to be blessed with a baby?  To hold their own baby in their own arms.  To rock him to sleep.  This was already a couple of weeks ago, but I think I almost cried at the thought.  Not sad, but tears of joy and appreciation.

--Eye.