Wow, thanks for referring me to your thread. I had other plans for the evening but got hooked, went through a year of your life and you're really an amazing guy. Your kalah is very lucky to be engaged to someone like you.


I have four questions.


1) Why did you go to therapy? Was it because of this addiction or some other reason as well.


2) I decided to stop dating for the time being as I want to make sure that I have this under control with (hashems help). When did you feel that it was okay to date again?


3) Do you listen to secular music / watch tv/movies etc.


4) I plan on starting the 12 step plan but I noticed that you didn't do it (at least you didn't mention it). Is there any particular reason?


Thanks for everything.

silentbattle wrote on 17 Jun 2010 20:08:


thanks for the update, makes a lot of sense - we cant always say that we want to stay clean but if we feel we must then it helps throught th weak times.

How is chossonhood treating you? do you find that it has had an impact on the 'silentbattle' ie made things harder or easier?

have a great shabbos!

installed wrote on 17 Jun 2010 23:15:


1) I went to therapy because of the addiction. In general, there are other issues in our lives causing us to have more trouble with our addiction, so part of getting better (for me) was realizing where the issues were coming from - being more aware of the driving force behind my addiction made it easier to fight. It also made me more aware of the nature of the addiction itself, and saved me from rationalizing things.

2) I felt that it was OK after a couple of months - but my therapist recommended that I wait longer, and in retrospect, I'm glad i did, even though it made it really difficult at the time. Back then, I was like, "It's hard enough giving up the fake relationships - at least let me have the hope of something real!" It was really tough, but waiting was worth it - it gave me a much clearer head.

Each person is different, though - It's a question of when you're ready. Do you have a rebbe that you can talk this over with?

3) I do listen to non-jewish music, and occasionally watch TV, and sometimes movies. Not something I recommend, but that's where I am now.

4) I didn't do the 12 step plan, although I tried to learn various aspects of it from people that were involved in it, and I think there's a lot of good things in it.

Why didn't I? I found what worked for me. If I had started falling again, I would have needed another step forward, it would have been clear that I needed more defenses. As things are, what I was doing worked.
an honest mouse wrote on 18 Jun 2010 09:52:


Makes things different, I think. Easier in some ways, more difficult in others. Lots of stress, and an attractive kallah, but also someone who cares about me and is there for me - and also a feeling of knowing I'm moving forward, taking a step forward in life, and that helps.

I think that no matter what's going on, we always need to focus on that feeling - everything we do in life, is taking a step forward, growing in a real way. It's easy to lose sight of that in the day-to-day grind, but it's true, and worth remembering.

Just dropping by...

I try to focus on my kallah - even though I can't be with her physically, yet, when I walk in the street, I just think, "she isn't Mrs. Battle." I remind myself that I don't need to care. And plus, I want to focus all my energies on her, not some random woman in the street.

Please know very deeply that there are guys here who are rooting (i.e., davening) for you very hard and who know you're on the path to success with Hashem's help (as if there's any other way to a path to success, but you know what I mean).  Best wishes.

Thank you, Briut - that means a lot. I appreciate the reminder - actually, your post included several reminders!

SB my friend.  Just keep on trucking no matter what.  Life has ups and downs and it's not how you prepare for them that counts, it's how you react to them.  Enjoy your wife and understand that she needs to be your true best friend and your true rock of your life.  I have made my wife that and I think even though we have ups and downs we still are there for each other and every bump makes us stronger.  I have found my eyes only need to look at my wife for she is the only one that I know that wants me no matter what and will gladly be there for me for anything.

Thanks, Sci - I hope that I can build a relationship as wonderful and supportive as the one you and your wife have.

In truth, sometimes I find my own insecurities getting in the way of my own relationship. Like, can a girl as wonderful as that really be happy and satisfied with someone like me?

As an aside...had an urge today, wanted to self-medicate, while thinking about my kallah, even...but I realized, that's not who I am. I don't have to listen to that urge.

KUTGW!!

Yeh, I can only imagine how difficult it must be. It's almost an impossible situation!

Stay strong!

I suppose this is why it's so important to work on these issues before we get married - because even after i get married, there'll be times when I can't be with my wife, and I'll have to stay cool.

Thinking back, I realized today just how much I felt compelled to fall back into my old behavior patterns at the beginning. It's interesting that it's only as time goes on that I'm able to see how much of an addict I was.

Keep reminding yourself everyday you are an addict.  I do it every morning.  I know that G-d is with you every step of the way.  It's easy to feel things aren't great, but look at your life and look around and see all that is great and wonderful.

I'm guessing you mean to remind myself that I need to be extra careful to remember what's important, and what i need to focus on?

It's true...

Keep on trucking SB, keep on trucking.