Thanks, sturggle - I need the encouragement!

That said, I'm going to sleep - being tired, bored, and in front of a computer is probably NOT a good equation!

Hope you slept well.
Shavua tov!

Just trying to analyze something that just happened. Even though it's not exactly lust-related, I'm still trying to figure it out.

So, I recently ordered flowers online for a relative. Wasn't cheap, but I picked a really nice bouquet. Anyway, just got an email from the company saying that there was a problem with the type i wanted (ordered to arrive tomorrow), so they sent a different kind instead. And alnog with their apology, they're refunding 50% of the price.

Now, 1) Not sure if they mean 50% of the total, or just the flowers themselves, but either way - even after a 50% discount, it's not cheap.

2) The flowers they gave me were NOT flowers I would have picked out on my own. The look much cheaper than the ones I originally wanted, and nowhere near as nice. I would even venture to say, "ugly." I could have easily gotten nicer flowers, for cheaper.

I'm concerned about why I'm quite so angry, though. Fine, I feel a little taken advantage of. Fine, I feel cheated, and honestly, they've put me in a situation where I have no choice, because I can't re-order, or order from somewhere else now - it's too late.

But I'm wondering about the intensity of my emotional reaction.

OK, so, let's see...for starters, I have been under some stress recently, and life has been busy. I also would usually not spend nearly so much for flowers, as I tend to be on the frugal side, but I really wanted the recipient to enjoy them, and spent some time looking for just the right ones.

But let's look at the real reasons, eh? Being controlled, taken advantage of by someone else. That hits a sore point. Feeling used, having other be inconsiderate of me. All definitely things which tap into my

A feeling that everything is supposed to go MY way.

Perhaps taking things personally? being personally offended, when it's just simple apathy? Then again, apathy directed towards me is something I might be sensitive to, as well.

I'd appreciate your thoughts, additions, advice...?

Hey SB.

First of all, it's great that you're thinking working this out.

So, you got the story down pat, which let's say are the facts.
You're asking what is going on inside of you.
Feeling is anger, so that's a clue, but as you are clearly aware that's about something in you. Hitting a chord w/in you or as you put it tapping into something w/in you. Hitting a sore point.

So let's see what you mentioned:
1-being controlled
2-being taken advantage of, being used
3-others being inconsiderate of me, others being apathetic towards me, (not caring about me?)

Ok. So, I don't think that being personally offended is on the list, because that's the anger. That means that these facts are hitting a chord w/in you and therefore it becomes personal. Most likely, it was not meant to be personal, and even if it was, (this is not an easy thing) it's really the other guy's problem, not yours. If it didn't hit any sore point w/in you, it would not become personal.

So, you think everything is supposed to go your way? Is that because of a previous difficulty with one of the above things you listed?

I hope you gain some insight from all of this, whether what I wrote helps or not.

kol tuv and chag sameach!

I may be way off here, but just looking at it from my perspective. When we're with the lust we're taking taking taking. Then as we start to recover, we give give give and it feels great and we do it with thought and feeling and perhaps we get this kinda feeling of 'im being a great and considerate person now so everythings gonna work on from now on'. If it were me, I'd be upset that I took the time and put in the effort to make someone feel good and it didn't work, so it feels like wasted effort and in addition, I don't get the gratification of their thanks when they realise i went to the effort.

I personally took 2 lessons from this (if i've understood it right). 1) Even when I'm being kind and considerate things can still not go my way - I can't know H'shm's cheshbon and it aint always gonna go swimingly even when I'm being extra good coz He's the one who's in control. 2) How much of the giving that I do, is for the sense of satisfaction I get when they say thanks ??

something for me to think about, i dont know if that helped....

but i wish you a wonderful, spirtual & uplifting yom tov!!

All of these sound like legitimate reactions in my mind.
There is a real lack of control in this situation, and the frustration of being forced into a corner against your will can definitely set off extreme reactions.
You had also really wanted to impress and bring simcha to the recipient by sharing yourself. Spending the time, effort and money to pick the perfect bouquet shows caring. By them changing your order, they removed the "you".

What a perfect place to try practice 'Let go and let G-d'.
Good luck!

Good advice above. Here's a perspective from another angle.

There's an amazing vort from Reb Tzadok Hakohen about anger. He says that it's normal to be more angry when you're being shomer the Bris. He explains there's a link between the two commandments Lo Tirtzach and Lo Tinoff ("don't murder" and "don't commit adultery"), that when you keep Lo Tinoff (which includes being shomer the bris in all ways) then you're more prone to violence. Also he says that's why there were more Arei Miklat (cities of refuge) in the territory of the sons of Yosef, because Yosef represents being shomer the Bris.

commando,

interesting idea, thanks for sharing!

Interesting, Commando, I wonder why that is...?

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts and support - Mom, Honest Mouse, Sturrgle, and commando. Still not exactly happy with what happened, but I'll move on. Just have to figure out a better option for when I need to send flowers next time...  ;D

don't choose this company!

;D Don't think I will...have a great shabbos!

silentbattle wrote on 21 May 2010 04:14:

I'd guess it's because there's no kosher outlet. Especially for single guys who are shomer the bris, we don't have the luxury of telling ourselves to just wait a few more days. I'm not saying that every day is a battle. Some days are very relaxing. But we never know when the next tough day is going to arrive. And many ways to chill out aren't available to us. For example - on a nice day I'd love to go for a walk on the beach  8)  but I know that'll have triggers. Also 90% of movies have triggers  . So in a tough situation sometimes a way to deal with our urges is to get angry and go into combat mode.  > There's even something called "holy anger" (associated with the month of Teves) based on the pasuk in Tehillim "Be angry and don't sin." And even if we don't deliberately get angry, when we're under stress the little annoyances in life can get us angry. So don't be too hard on yourself if you find that sometimes anger is your dominant emotion. Oh sure, it's easy to be mellow and good-natured to everyone if you're having enjoyable escapades a few nights a week. But if you're in the deprivation zone then you're a different person emotionally.

Very true - that makes sense. Which, coming from you, is no surprise!

SB: Unless I'm missing something in the 'online flowers' story, it seems no one has given you chizuk in the most logical of areas:  CALL THEM AND ASK FOR SOME RECTIFICATOIN!

It sounds like you're , and may have good reason. Companies know that every unhappy customer who leaves will take 4-5 other customers (or potential ones) away with them since they're forwarned etc. So many firms will be happy to hear when someone's unhappy, and they'll try to make it right.

I've had this with a couple of flower companies. They either refund some/all of the payment, or offer to re-send flowers to the same receipient or even a different one. So, perhaps your giving them the chance to make things right could make YOU happy and even get new flowers to someone else to make THEM happy. A random act of kindness. And gives you peace of mind as well.

I'm assuming you thought of this already - just some chizuk here to really do it. Let us know how it works. Random acts of kindness....

I'm jumping in -in the middle of the story ... I appologize about that.

my suggesstion -
call the store - explain the problem...and rather than ask for some rectification, be ERY SPECIFIC in telling them what you want for RECTIFICATION!

dont bee too unrealistic..be fair.
be forgiving.


nuf said.

Bruit - are you coming back to DC's call.
Its worth it!


yo?'ll see the difference.
nobody can do this all alone. w we are not wired to do so.
dov i.i