Continued from my last post...

The above “feeling powerless” doesn’t detract from the white-knuckling that’s required in the beginning (and only the beginning). Though we speak of not white-knuckling our way to sobriety, I’m reminded of my own start, and how my white-knuckling gave me just enough freedom from acting out in order to be able to take a higher road. With the kind of stuff that I was trying to deal with, at that time, there was no better route for me to take than to fight it head on.

I don’t know if what I’m saying is clear, but I had to white-knuckle it and fight it with sheer strength and power in the beginning to get to where I am now. For the first few weeks leading up to my first fall, I didn’t really leave my house - at all! The only women I came in contact with was my mother. Going to the mailbox was risky, as I might get a glance of the female joggers that would be jogging by my house. If I’d go to the bank or to a store, I’d have to give myself a pep-talk beforehand so that I should be able to remain focused all during the time I was there. Never before that point had I looked away! Looking away was something I had to force upon myself! Till this point I had indulged in lust all day - every day!

I’ll share with you a post that I wrote after visiting a bookstore during that time:

“In combating this addiction we are forced to put up the proper fences so that we don't slip and fall. One such fence; when outside in public we must train ourselves not to look at the women on the streets - regardless if they are dressed tznius or not. Because of my work, I generally stay indoors. But when I leave, it's almost as if I'm being stripped of a basic appreciation to this physical world. When I walk out into the streets, I make every attempt not to see/look at women. Beholding the beauty of a women, even without indulging, is one of the most basic pleasures for a man. Without it, it feels like an entire dimension of pleasure is missing.

To put my thoughts into other words: Say for a moment that we went back to black-and-white TVs. Though in its day the black-and-white TVs was a big deal, there is no way that you and I can still appreciate its picture today. We've already been exposed to a different kind of picture, a bright picture - a picture with millions and billions of colors. How can we ever enjoy the black and white again? We've all found and latched onto a certain pleasure, a pleasure and attraction to women. There is nothing un-natural about our attraction to women - even in the fact that we are attracted to multiple women at once. Detaching ourselves from this appreciation could at times feel like we are missing out in the basic pleasures of the world in which the eye can behold. Beautiful women are as natural as the the beautiful trees and grass. They are no less Hashem's creations. Could you imagine a world without trees and grass?”

You see what I felt I was giving up? Can you imagine how hard this was for me? I thought that I’d have to live life in grayscale! And yet, to fight, just in order to see the world that way! “Why would anyone want that?” -  “Why would anyone chose that for themselves?” I thought.

I started seeing things different when I realized that I don’t have to fight. During our very first days on the call, Duvid Chaim told us that we weren’t going to fight anymore and that we wouldn’t even need to! Duvid Chaim insisted that we can be normal again! Shocked by what I heard, I felt I needed to phone him up for a more detailed discussion in which Duvid Chaim than spilled out, that the program will take us to a healthy place where I’ll no longer need a filter on my computer, that I’ll be able to walk the streets, go to the bank, the supermarket, and even look or talk to the women behind the counter without lusting her. Wow! That was news for me! “I can live in the real world without lusting!?”.

So, what about living in a grayscale world? Since I’ve subscribed to the program, my world has become much brighter and much more colorful! Over the past few weeks, those present on the call have been introduced to an entirely new color palate - one I never knew existed!  True - the program has asked us to see things way past our addiction (where we’re talking about a Higher Power, ego, and other stuff). And we’re even beginning to take certain steps (we’re working on step 4 right now) that are hard and painful! “But what’s the alternative?” we ask. It’s either go through pain, or have to deal with the sickness itself! No-one wants to go through chemotherapy! But it’s our only option in making it out alive! Living with the addiction (even fighting it) is no way of living! We choose life at any cost! For us, fighting the addiction doesn’t work. We’ve got to be overall better, and less selfish people! It’s our only hope for living!

About your quitting cold turkey: I’d suggest adopting a “cold turkey attitude” - meaning that you’ve got no place for this in your life anymore. You’ve got to boot it out completely! No measure of lust can be managed, and it’s all got to go! Practically though, as Guard recommended: The handbooks are your guide and bible. Study them and take them step by step. They are written according to a progression of strong to stronger. If the earlier steps don’t work for you, than move on to the next.

But one final word: Don’t take yourself too seriously! Remember that this is about progress, not perfection. As long as you’re still here, still working against the addiction, that’s considered progress. Though you may find yourself falling again and again till you make it, in time you'll get there! Just don’t stop!

Best of wishes,
2B

T,

how do you have time to write so much?
All your posts are pretty long.

The truth is that I really don't have the time to write. Between that and my workspace being overly public, posting here on GYE isn't very practical. In my case, posting usually means opening a word document that sits in the background behind all my work, and while nobody's looking, getting in a sentence or paragraph every here and there.

Tomim, your posts lately are "off the charts"! 

I think I understand the feeling of powerless, I had a dream the other night, and when I awoke, I almost slipped and fell. I realize that put in the right(wrong) situation, I will have no control over my actions. That makes sense to me. I need to ask G-d for help with this, because I am unable to overcome it by myself.
My question is how does this fit in to free will? If I am powerless then obviously there is no free will in this situation. If there is no free will, then does that mean I am not held accountable for the sin? Or is my free will the fact that there is help out there that I can seek. If I choose not to seek it then I would be sinning. But if I choose to seek help, and I am following all the steps that I am given and trying everything, then if I slip is that not my fault and in shomayim I won't be held accountable?
I am not trying to justify anything in my situation. I just want to know exactly how this works from a Torah perspective.

Hashem is indeed the source of free-choice, but ultimately, it is HE who fights this battle for us. It says in the holy books that Hashem wants us to try our very best to break the Yetzer Hara. When we see we can't, he steps in and does it for us. But he only steps in if we have tried everything humanly possible and still cannot succeed. At that point, we have a true realization that we need Him and that only HE can do it. And when we have that true realization, we have a true "vessel" for his help, and that is when he steps in and does it for us. This is the Jewish approach, and this is also the core of the 12-Steps as well. "Admitting powerlessness and surrendering to Hashem" means, we have tried everything and cannot succeed on our own. At that point, we are READY for Hashem to help us.

How are you Mr Jew?