Hi,
I am a 21 year old unmarried guy. This is the first time in my life I am looking for help. I have had this problem since I was 13, whether is was spying on people or the internet or looking through medical books. I am definitely addicted. Every time I act out, I only want to outdo the last time. I feel like I am aiming for a goal that is unreachable, one that is just a figment of my imagination.  I have been dating a girl for quite some time. I think this is what's stopping me from proposing to her. I want to no longer feel helpless. I want to find my true self, not some guy masked by guilt and living a life of deception. I am in constant fear of getting caught, whether by work or by the girl I am dating. The fear is obviously not enough motivation to get me to stop. I need some serious help. I looked up this site on Motzei Shabbos, and have not acted out since then. I feel so good about controlling myself even if only for a few days. But I know the temptations will be back. I will be alone with a computer with internet, and my yeitzer hora will barely have to try to get me to sin. Occupying myself is always a good way to help, but eventually I will have some free alone time and go back to acting on my evil inclinations. I was off the derech for several years, and surrounded myself with this shmutz. I believe this problem that I have is what led me off to begin with. I remember the first time I broke Shabbos was by going online onto evil sites. I currently keep Shabbos, and have for the past couple years. I just want to be a good Jew, and be happy with myself. I want to be able to talk to women without worrying about where I focus my eyes. I want to rid myself of the disgusting hirhurim that go through my head on a constant basis.

Dear MrJew,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Welcome to the forum MrJew38, and good luck.

You've come to the right place.

Hi MrJew,

Welcome to the GUE family! I am in the same position you are. Im 21 and unmarried and been dealing with this for a while. If you have any questions or just want to chat then email me at Yiddle2@gmail.com  Have a great day!

-INH

Welcome heilige yid,

Have you considered installing a filter??

I installed a filter on my work computer. Today is day 5 of being clean. I realize the only way to control it is fight it all. If I give in a little my y"h will overpower me before I know it. Please daven for me that I stay strong. The fact that I even went on this site to begin with was only because I heard an inner voice telling me to. I honestly think that there is a malach personally helping me with this struggle. I could never have imagined I have this kind of strength. All I did was ask Hashem for help, and the next thing I know, I saw an ad for this site. Every time I feel the need to browse the web, I pull up GYE, and the chevra makes me strong.

Hi Mr. Jew,

Being around your age I really identify with everything that you are saying especially what you write about desecrating Shabbos for the addiction. I don't say this with pride, but every now and then I feel the need to completely unplug my computer before Shabbos (mouse, keyboard, monitor, and all). Though my addiction has never brought me to violate Shabbos in actuality, I'm afraid of where things can lead if I get a lust hit on Shabbos and I have no immediate outlet. The internet, only one click away, is just as dangerous on Shabbos as it is during the week. For me, aside from disconnecting my computer, I have made a red line - no visuals! If I fall, I fall. But no matter what, I won't browse any dirty material. That's helped a great deal in helping me get through Shabbosim without violating them. Ultimately though, we know we're fighting lust in general and no half measure will free us from the clutches of this sickness. We know that there is no healthy way to lust, and that we have gone past the stage where we can attempt to manage it.

This realization that it's possible for me to fall on Shabbos with online visuals was very shocking to me. Still, I appreciate that I've got this awareness now so I don't have to deal with it in actuality. This tells me that I'm not in control - that I'm powerless - the admission which is one of the main keys in freeing ourselves from the addiction. I never felt it so real till it hit me with this. I'm glad that you see that you have this challenge so early into it. The realization that you're out of control (and have no control) will make overcoming this much easier when you admit powerlessness! Once into it, I've found that Shabbosim aren't such a fright anymore. B"H I have never fallen past my red line ever since I made it, more than 100 days ago!

In regard to your mention of dating, I'd like to share my personal experience: It's no secret that one of the main motivators that brought me here (to GYE) in the first place, aside from not wanting to turn out like my father (who I wrote about several months ago, when I first came), is the very simple point that I don't want to bring this into a marriage. Till I came here I was in a bubble of delusion, thinking that this is called "sins of youth" because it's only a problem when we're young. Once we get married, have a wife, a family, responsibilities,  etc., things change. I still remember the feeling that shot through me when I first read the stories here on GYE written by married men. Then I looked at the 90 day chart and counted up all the married men still struggling with lust. Boy was I in for a surprise! I guess married men don't speak about their sex life out in the open, but wow - the shock when they did! It opened up a new way of thinking that I never had considered - "If I don't deal with this now, I'll have to deal with this later! It isn't going to go away on its own."

It's not that I haven't considered stopping in the past. About 8 months back, before I officially started dating, I had to prove to myself that I'm capable of stopping at will. I stopped for a period of time (about 23 days) and than relapsed. Not that I was let down or anything. I mean, I told myself that I've got what it takes, and that's all that matters. "When I want to stop, I can" I said.

I now look back at the many times that I've tried stopping since than. I was a fighter! But you know what? After putting a nice streak under my belt, I'd always end up falling. I knew that I had to put shidduchim on a temporary hold till I could be certain that I'm heading in the right direction and that I'm not turning back. "The only way", I said, "is to join a 12-Step program" (Duvid Chaim's anonymous phone conference). Personally, I was aiming for either some serious sobriety time, or a long streak of days that I haven't crossed any red lines. What Duvid Chaim's phone group gave me, was much more than that! Over the course of the past 7 weeks, participants of the group have learned how to trust, feel, and speak, and with a raised level of awareness, honesty, openness, and willingness, we've begun to dig into the root of our addiction to see how we can uproot it from the core, by being better people!

At this point, I've been here at GYE for about 4 months, and though not always consecutive, with the help of Hahem, I've racked up a great deal of sobriety days and earned back some of my freedom - more than I can ever imagine! I've joined Duvid Chaim's 12-Step group, and boruch Hashem, my dating (which has been on hold for a while) has gone much better. Would you believe me if I told you that there were many complications in arranging this shidduch, but on 90 days of not crossing my red lines, I got a phone call from the shadchan saying that everything was finally resolved and that the girl's ready to go out? If you put in the work, Hashem will shower you with borchos and you will see his open goodness and kindness, no doubt!

You've come to the right place, and I'm so happy you've taken this step. You're a miracle in the making!

You can catch me on Gchat for most hours of the day at: Tomim2B@gmail.com. Feel free to message me any time - whether for a time of need, to rant ( ;D ;D ;D), or even just to shout out a "Hello"! We're all in this together!

With love,
2B

That's awesome! It must feel fantastic to KNOW, to see, that Hashem is watching your successes proudly, and giving you a little wave hello.

Mr. Jew wrote on 30 Nov 2009 21:13:


And it's what's stopping me from dating in the first place.

There are a bunch of us your age here (I'm 22) and we're pretty much all in the same boat.

Yupsers. I'm taking some time off from dating while I deal with this issue.

silentbattle wrote on 04 Dec 2009 03:06:


That's good! But remember that we're looking for progress, not perfection. When you feel comfortable with yourself, knowing that you're headed in the right direction and you've got enough to show that you're not turning back, that would be a good time to start dating again. I don't believe that you have to have a 90 day clean streak before dating. Lesser days of higher quality can also put a person in a mindset healthy enough for dating.

Personally, I only felt the sudden feeling of readiness several weeks into Duvid Chaim's calls. I wonder if I'd ever get that feeling whiteknuckling my way through sobriety. Working with our egos, I think, is the best way to prepare ourselves for a dating relationship. Aside from the fact that in any relationship, we addicts must be unconditional and altruistic givers. This is specifically so when dealing with a relationship that may lead to marriage. The only way to be a giver of this kind, is to place ourselves entirely on the side and start thinking about everybody else.

It's great to know that when we take this approach we don't need to deal with lust at all. As a matter of fact, one of the key principles of the 12-step program is that when we rid ourself of ego, we uproot all of the other problems that arise from it. In this case, our lust is only a symptom (and our drug of choice). The real problem is ego. You'd be surprised to know that I actually fell the day before I felt this readiness (and when it came to me, I wasn't even a whole day clean). Still, I've never in my life felt so ready, even when I was running bigger sobriety streaks. I felt a change. I noticed that I suddenly had a healthier motive in everything I do and that the program did something to me. Less of me and more of everybody else. That's all it took to feel ready - a most powerful feeling.

Speaking to Duvid Chaim before I went out, I couldn't get a dating tip better than "Remember: it's all about her. Be selfless!". "Don't try to control any outcomes. That's got nothing to do with you. Remember who's in charge!". A bit different than the worldly dating tips that you commonly hear, which involve the guy being nothing but bold ego - "selling himself" to the girl, huh?

Good luck to you, and may all you guys soon feel ready to begin dating! I trust that if we all do our work, Hashem will do the rest, and dating will go easy!

With love,
2B

I understand that once the addiction takes over I am powerless, but I do have the opportunity to chase those thoughts before the urges can actually kick in. If I see something inappropriate, and the first thing I have to think is to not let the y"h get to me, then I can overpower it. Once it has taken a hold, I am powerless, so the only way to fight it is to never give in no matter what. Is this the proper way to fight the addiction, or do I need something more?

Not that there is any comparison, but I smoked for about 4 years, and I quit under the impression that if I ever even take one puff again, I start smoking again. It has been 2 years since my last cigarette. My therapist told me that I need to gradually cut down (as far as my p*** addiction), but I feel like I need an all or nothing approach. What do people think about this? Am I right by trying to go cold turkey? Or is it going to keep building up, and I will eventually fall? And I know if I do fall, I will fall deeper than I have before. I just want to daven for strength and keep fighting my y"h until I die. Please give me your input.

I think Rage also quit smoking.

Ask him.

We all have our own separate approaches.

Mr. Jew wrote on 04 Dec 2009 15:58:



Hi Mr. Jew,

You ask a great question: We know that once we have our first sip we’ll slide all the way back on our addiction, and in that regard we’re absolutely powerless. But is that the admission of powerlessness that’s asked of us in fighting the addiction, or are we asked to believe that we are powerless even over that first drink?

Let me share with you a piece of Gemara that was shared with me when I first came to GYE and was struggling with the concept of powerlessness. In Kiddushin 81a-b the Gemara relates a few incidents in which some of the Tannoim had made remarks that were disparaging to the y”h. Hashem than gave permission for the y”h to overwhelm them, and they leaped up to sin. The Satan told them: "if I were given permission by Hashem, I would have even killed you!".

The urges we’re fighting against are tremendous. I personally, can’t think I have power over that first drink (or lust hit). It will destroy me! If placed in a situation, where the variables are fixed just right (for a slip), there’s no way that we can maneuver ourselves away even from the first hit. As believers in hashgocha protis, we’ve got to be aware that hashgocha protis is in EVERYTHING - even in our falls! If we’ve fallen, it’s only because Hashem directed us there (for a more lengthy post on this subject, click here: http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1009.msg20092#msg20092). One of the greatest keys in fighting the addiction, is that we’ve got to quit playing G-d. We’ve got to quit thinking that we can manage our outcomes or be the director of the show. Only Hashem can keep us away from our first drink. In that regard, we’re powerless!

When we’ve given up trying to direct things our way, we can than ask Hashem to give us the power to help us to do His will. This is one of the addict’s prayers (found in Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63): “God, I offer myself to thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always!”. Remember: It’s all about what He wants! And we’re asking for His power to help us overcome these challenges. If we still think that we can fight this battle alone, we’re in for a surprise!

When I first joined the calls, Duvid Chaim mentioned to me the following: What we strive to attain through the program is not just the freedom of not slipping past the first drink. Really, what we’re getting at, is a overall healthy feeling that we won’t be reaching for that drink in the first place. “If you don’t have a headache, of course you won’t be digging through the medicine cabinet looking for a way to medicate yourself!”.

We shouldn’t need to fight off that first drink either. If we are, we might just be trying to white-knuckle our way to sobriety. I’m sorry to say it, but white-knuckling doesn’t get us very far. We may have long streaks, but we’ll never really uproot the cause of the disease. It will always be there, and we’ll always be in battle mode. Let’s work on getting ourselves into a healthy place so we don’t have to fight. 1st step, admitting powerlessness! 

For a brief overview on this concept of battling with no guns, you may benefit from reading this post: http://rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1009.msg20037#msg20037.

I’d like to share more with you, but Shabbos is really close.

Good Shabbos,
2B

The handbook suggests cutting down slowly but surely, until you completely stop. But if this doesn't work, you'll need to take more extreme measures, such as the 90-Day cold-turkey approach. And if that doesn't work either (or it is untenable) then you are obviously dealing with much deeper issues, and you'll need more solid approaches like therapy and the 12-Steps, as Tomim so beautifully explained above.




We all think we have to keep acting out because if we don't it will build up and we'll fall deeper than we ever did before. That is a lie of the addiction. If we continue acting out, we'll fall deeper and deeper. When we STOP, we can finally learn how to find freedom from it.