Hello everyone,
I am in trouble.  Kosher and shower shabbat since bar mitzva but I have struggled with my social life and religious life ballance.  Married for a decade with 3 kids. One day I have emuna and strong facing any challenge.  The next day, I'm looking for trouble.  I have been visiting sites that match you with women and scheduled a meeting, then cancelled the next day.  I keep pushing the envelope and worry that one day I will end up cheating on my wife.  I unfortunately have no remorse and don't feel bad about what I am doing.  I mean, it has no emotional attachment for me.  The sad part is that I have never really enjoyed sex to begin with.  Masturbation is a lot more enjoyable.

I guess I am looking to quench this thirst for sex that is enjoyable.  I started self pleasure seeking at a very young age when most kids should not even know what girls are.  I fantasized about every decent looking woman around me.  I have also never been good at developing relationships.  I tell my wife I love her, but I care for her as the mother of my children and a decent person.  I don't feel emotionally attached to her.  Or anyone for that matter.  I see everyone as temporary, even myself. 

I have tried many times to get into learning, davening and everything we sre told gets us closer to hashem.  It's not working for me.

has anyone gone through my experiences? Any advise?

Signed,
narcissist 

razani wrote on 07 Apr 2017 14:13:

Me too.

I'm here.

Hi razani!  Welcome!  It sounds like you have issues to deal with that could be the source of a lot of your acting out.  Having trouble developing relationships is common among addicts.  From the little that you wrote, you may need help with whatever is holding you back from creating relationships.  That should help you.  What was your childhood like? Your family life?

I've spent the last while working on relationships so I can see where your coming from, good luck in your journey and may it be successful iyh!!

Hi again, 

I don't know if I have issues. I've been working on my personality since I was a child to improve myself.  I was a very self aware and self conscious kid.  Mom was scary and did scare us all the time that she is going to leave cause we were being bad, but other than that,  I can't say my childhood was eventful.  I will say that I was aware of sex very early on and felt I am attracted to women too early.  I have always been embarraced about it and it prevented me from being able to talk to women normally.  In fact, my wife is the only women who i care about and I can be physical with.  

I care about my wife and marriage, I don't want to destroy it.  But I also have this craving to do something wrong, to be bad...

I don't know how this forum is going to help me, but I sure hope it doesn't make it worse for others by me expressing myself candidly.

razani wrote on 10 Apr 2017 06:09:

That alone is not normal, and certainly could have (most likely did) cause emotinal damage.

Trouble wrote on 07 Apr 2017 18:00:

Well why did you run out on him? He wanted a cuddle!

razani wrote on 07 Apr 2017 14:13:

Of course I love masturbation more than sex.

Sex involves emotions. Another person. You have to care about what you're doing. How you're doing it and why you're doing it. You can't let her catch you off guard.

If you're acting out, if the girl on the screen starts getting boring, just click around for more. And you know what? Nobody screams at you! or tells you they're not up to it. Or pushes you away if you get too ahead of yourself.

Welcome, brother. May we all grow together in honesty.

Singularity wrote on 21 Apr 2017 10:04:

I think the bolded sentence is 100% true, but with one caveat - that is when having sex with one's wife. There's so much to worry about.........