So, I had fallen last Wednesday, (March 1st) after a couple of days of struggle, where I became over-emotional regarding an issue of faith, and then had gotten a call from someone that I had acted out with, and while I told myself that when I talk to him, it will be just on regular friendly terms..he started asking me questions and being concerned for my well-being, and it turned me toward him, and then it got into shmutz talk, and while I didn't do Actus Sodomitarum, I did do mz"l and "Facebook abuse", (I don't want to get into the specifics of that, lest I give someone a novel idea).
I am 47, and I have had addictive behaviors for a long time. I suspect that I was an addict by my teens or earlier. As a child, I developed them and I kept things very secretive...I was very young, and I have pretty much remained true to my addiction to as it developed as a child with no access to "adult things"....I am able to still act out without using something explicitly sexual...Occasionally, there will be adult p of either a homo or hetero sexual nature...(I have a heterosexual attraction as well, but it is essentially as fetishized as my homosexual attraction)...and it is generally weaker than the homosexual one.
When I came to Austin from NY, I was lonely, and had sought out the attention of guys from different places, and soon I was talking to a bunch of guys in different cities and states...A number of guys I acted out with, and it made things..(has, is making things) more complicated to extricate myself from those things...I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, and it is hard for me to be honest when it comes to my sexuality vs. religion.
I have certain triggers when it comes specifically to Judaism...certain discussion about the non-Jew being on a "lower-level" then a Jew, the focus on being married and having children...I am like the Eunuch that says, "See, I am a dry tree...". So, I wonder about my place, and my role..and Emunah becomes a difficult thing.
I am working on it..trying to be less selfish, and trying to be more honest in the face of fears of people in my life not taking it well. My primary struggle seems to be timidity, and from this, everything flows.
So, I am back on track..told one of my "acting out" friends about my decision to not be in a gay relationship: sexual or romantic...it was a text, so I don't know the outcome.
The biggest pitfall for me is self-pity regarding resigning myself to a lack of intimacy with men, and I don't know what will take its place...okay, enough rambling.
