Markz wrote on 11 Jan 2017 03:26:

AAfter fishing around and checkin stuff out, I'm gonna do something similar to your after hours filtered device thing, with time being 11:00 pm but not regarding no filtered device since that's not practical but rather if I use app on filtered device that can be used to view innapropriateness or stream movies (no Google doesn't count) after hours, 5 dollar knas a day even if I don't fall or don't even slip. Next, and if it happens more than twice in the next month, the third time is ten bucks. That's my new personal geder. 
I don't want to put down specifics of different apps and stuff like that in order to prevent placing a stumbling block in front of those that aren't technologically savvy and will get ideas of ways around filters and stuff like that.

LifneiHashem wrote on 11 Jan 2017 02:49:

It's actually quite uplifting that they are willing to admit it. Most of the other groups seem to just fade away.

shua73 wrote:

I saw on another thread the idea of designating a few minutes each day to PROACTIVELY work on recovery. Maybe we can all take on something like that, like reading a page from the white book each day or something. 

BBusy day today and woke up for chavrusa once and gonna hopefully get up for I again. My phone is annoying t keeps freezing so am gonna cut this post short.

I hope everyone has a great day today.

Shua and I have gotten up and are continuing strong....
so that is good news. 

Getting depressed and giving up and not continuing to fight, is losing
and would be bad news.

Reducing the amount of time I'm on the computer, and what I allow myself to see on the computer
is VERY difficult, but IF I can tough it out the first month or so, then I think it will probably work.
I have been MUCH stronger in the past. I think I once went 6 months or even almost a year clean.
Guaranteed, I was on the computer MUCH less and didn't even have my own computer!
Something to think about.

Yes here i am.

I fell, 41 clean days.... The truth is im still somewhat Numb/Frozen but i'll give an u/d, (it'l be really painfull when it sets in, and i'll need you Chizuk)

This is how; Yesterday i slipped into movies again, i was tempted getting x rated movies, one of the sites had a genre adult, but i remembered my Shvua and passed that test.... but one of the movies i downloaded had on it a bit of adult content (dunno y - as the full movie was quiet ok...), i didnt close the movie right away, i just blocked the screen and went further, i wasn't sure if it is a fall or not (it wasn't a breach of the Shvua, as i didnt look for it), i felt i passed the test.
But, it just started... the whole afternoon i was dreaming of what i saw, the struggle went wilder and wilder, in the morning it started again, and then i had a brainwave how to breach the filter, i tried it and it worked! i got to places that the filter wouldnt let me, i felt the heat, but i didnt want to pay £500, so i posted that i'm slipping, now it'll cost me £50 this stupid game, but what i did gain is; because of the responses i got, i couldnt just disappear, i had to get myself back and tell every one what's happened....

So at least im back! Starting again, taking Chizuk from the ones that have fallen an picked themselves up!

Will call my Mentor, to start the 12 Steps, and see what we can do about videos/triggers.

Any ideas??????????????????

will Succeed Beh wrote on 12 Jan 2017 19:33:

RRegarding videos, if you check on for example IMDb, they have a parent's guide for most movies. It will tell you every single thing that may be innapropriate and any violence or language. It will also say how many times each specific curse word is used if you really care. It includes also things that last for seconds that you wouldn't notice even if you were looking for it. If you do that, you won't be surprised ever, and just need to control not watching what you know is bad

Yes, a good idea to research a movie thoroughly before watching. The standard has REALLY dropped. And it will hit your by surprise.

For me it's not such a surprise. I know every movie has its schmutz. And when I watch, well I know what i'm watching for

The articles, of course.

*cough*

Thanks for all the Chizuk.

I think the first thing i'll do about movies, is to have a limit of max 1 movie per week, and i'll have to ask someone (shua for eg.) if its ok.

Now i really feel the power of the words (in my sig)here is the song, the words are in the 3rd section.

Singularity wrote on 13 Jan 2017 10:15:

WWhat's the new avatar? It's unclear on my phone.

I'll try to get the book soon...and will be able to discuss points of it here or by email..
the times won't work out to do it live.
-------------------
I need to intervene and make sure I hit "x" and not leave the time and content controls open.
When I change the time settings, I am vulnerable. 
I need to:
1. anticipate the problem (basic relapse prevention)
2. realize that the closer I get to the desired object,
the less able I am going to be able to make good decisions for myself

This 5-minute clip from Rav Shafier is so true too:
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/Telescope.mp3

I am determined to break this bad habit. 
But it sure is difficult.
I wanted to just join and start the count and succeed...and break free.
And, I guess, some people do just that.
Well, that hasn't happened to me. 
I've learned more of what I need to do to prevent myself from falling...
AND YET I have fallen into the same trap: changing the time settings, then leaving it open,
not "x"ing it out, then turning on videos/streaming, then seeing triggering beautiful women not dressed properly, then hours or days later, being horny and weak and feeling why not, I don't have it in real life and I want it and it's not so bad, it's a basic need, and then changing it to allow adult content and acting out.
Pretty stupid for a smart guy.
Kind of like eating so many french fries on Pesach that I have an upset stomach and feel like I may even throw up, and then having that exact same experience again on Sukkos!
Am I an idiot? I'm a smart guy. So, why don't I know enough to NOT fall into the same trap?
Don't say I'm addicted to french fries or overeating. 

The same pitfalls, the same traps...it's embarrassing.
I want to grow and to change for the better. 
I don't want to keep fighting (and mainly losing) the same battles.
I want to win and break the pattern of these bad habit behaviors.
And I know it's possible.
ACTING on what we KNOW to be true.
Living it and not just talking about it.
Screamed out of pain and frustration...it's a start.

I will still try to get the Enlighten Our Eyes book soon, in Hebrew or English, but I highly doubt it will help.
I can write about things with great clarity and know what's right...and then a little while later,
do something totally wrong. The answer is that it is not rational. I am sometimes acting irrationally.
It doesn't mean I know how to stop doing that...but whatever.
Just a little while ago, (AFTER posting my last comment) I took a shower and shave and had thoughts of maybe even failing again. Unbelievable! 
Boruch HaShem, I passed this nisayon and got out of there, and did a mitzvah (instead).
But I came really pretty close...definitely not rational! 

Either the yetzer hara was just toying with me, taunting me, look how WEAK you are.
Just give in and give up. Close down the thread, fade into the crowd again for a while...maybe years.
OR it was HaShem showing me that He still loves me and giving me a pretty easy victory
to make me feel better after just failing. 
Maybe it was even both!
HaShem rooting for me and trying to lift my spirits and help me feel close to Him,
and the yetzer hara rooting against me, trying to destroy me and get me to give up. 
Wow!
Boruch HaShem, I decided to restrain my tyvahs and get out of there.
Guess I'm ready to keep on monster trucking....as some might say.
Have a great day!

SSo looking back at my last fall six days ago, I think I figured out the reason. I am a Baal gaaveh to put it simply and honestly. After being clean for a couple days I tell myself that I'm fine and I don't need to be as strict with my gedarim or I'm so much better than people who struggle more than me so if I just slip a little here it's not the end of the world. That's the short answer.
i must remind myself to be truly honest with what I can and can't do and why I do what I do in order to recover. Gn