I'm having trouble dealing with being angry with my wife for having had side (intimate) relationships while we dated (before we were frum - as we were becoming so), and now, so many years later, it's unfortunately developed into even greater anger and jealousy over other men who appear to have better physical and even admirable qualities than me. I forgave her, but i guess not enough, b/c i feel inferior to those young men she spent private time and experiences with. Our intimate life is not all that great due to various dysfunctions on both our sides. This causes me great frustration and acting out inappropriately. I need help getting over the anger and jealousy before i can even attempt this GYE program, no? Any suggestions? Thank you.

Sorry to hear about all that.

Do you or your wife go to any sort of therapy?

Thank you so much for responding. I did for a year, but i didn't go anywhere. There are a lot of issues, and it came down to the therapist basically saying i just needed to get over it, and move on. But it just kept getting worse. Now, it's intolerable and i'm not making my wife happy. big problem. I would like to for us to go to therapy together. just need to find a good, effective frum one to go to who has experience in marriage counseling AND in dealing with jealousy and sexual dysfunction (both male and female). Do you have any recommendations in New Jersey? New York is too difficult - got the kids everyday to deal with. need someplace normal driving distance. Thanks so much Cordnoy. 

Pleasure.

Why are you insistent on frum therapist?
I had success with frum and non-frum.

Have you called relief?

Fellow wrote on 23 Nov 2016 19:49:

Thanks for sharing. I really feel for you. I'll just share from my own experience that you shouldn't wait until you get help for the anger & jealousy stuff before attempting the "GYE program". They are not mutually exclusive and in fact might greatly enhance the efficacy of each.

I spent many years and thousands of dollars of all different types of couples therapy and it never really got us anywhere long term until I started with GYE. There might be lots of other factors, but that was my experience.

Although I haven't been to 12 step meetings, I know from Cordnoy's call (there are rumors he might be starting it up again!) that a large part of the program is appropriately dealing with your anger and resentments. Sometimes the group approach might be able to help where individual therapy didn't, but I'll leave that up to the professionals.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and welcome aboard!

It must be so difficult letting go of those feelings. It's a massive feeling of betrayal. May Hashem guide you on this.

I married a divorced woman and its hard to think that she has anything to compare to sexually. It makes me uncomfortable. When I met her, she had a boyfriend of 5 or so years, was friends (I trust she wasn't doing anything sexually) with a whole group of Israeli guys, right out of the army. I cant compare to their physique.

Hang in there. I'm here too. You are not alone. This is a journey we go in together.

Hi Cordnoy, sorry i didn't see your message until now. not used to using this site just yet. I guess I'm not insistent on a frum therapist, just thought that made the most sense - understanding things like tznius, nidda pressures, etc...  But if you know of anyone good and successful with couples in their intimate issues, i would go for it. 
Who is relief that i should call? thanks so much!!

thanks so much. so how do you think i should proceed? do you think these chat rooms are of value? when do think these annonymous calls will start? thanks

Fellow wrote on 04 Dec 2016 20:19:

People are not stupid.
 theyI can be explained these things.
Relief is an organization in New York/Jersey and other places that help find therapist.

Try using Google..if you know how.

B'hatzlachah