Hello all,

Recently, I had a long time of sobriety, about 130 days.
And I fell two weeks ago.
I managed to recover after this, and then to stay sober after this fall.

But... today I had a big fall, drinking all this afternoon in the Internet, and no way to stop.
This fall was very sudden, because I was very stable and calm this morning, happy to begin a good day !
It's very difficult now... I don't find the power to continue. I am like I was struck in the back, I fell on the ground, and I don't have the power to get up and to continue to walk.

I think I can understand that IS my addiction that made me fall.
And also I forgot to renew mt Tapshic neder.

But how to find the forces to continue ?
What I have to do tonight ? What to think ? My mind is like a boiling kettle, my will wants to stop, and my heart wants to continue...

Thanks for help !

I hear you. I know the feeling.

weve all been there. its sucks. have you ever been at a point like this before? if you have try to remember the feelings that you had last time and where they took you. if they took you down a bad road then analyze and correct, if they took you down a good path (130 days) then rekindle them.
the problem with falling, especially after a long time, is that we get sucked into the fall so much that we feel hopeless. we forget how strong we were and how the first few days are a killer but after we accumulate more days the load of days gets lighter not heavier. try to remember all these things. remember WHY you were clean for 130 days. its not some game of counting days, its because you WANT to never watch porn again. period. so falling doesn't take away that final end goal, only that first irrelevant one!remember that although its enjoyable you are willing to give up this pleasure for the greater good, a greater pleasure that you may not be able to feel this minute but will pay handsome dividends down the road.
hatzlacha and keep posting!

Thank you for your message, it encourages me a lot...

I was with this state of mind that many times before, for sure...
After a little effort, I can remember my fall before the 130 days : I was alone at home and my daughter was at the hospital and my wife with her.
So, I managed to resist some hours but I lost the battle and got a big fall.
How can I do this and my daughter is at hospital ?!
After this, I cried. I cried all I could, mourning to Hashem to help me and to tear out my addiction away from me, in total despair... and also close to Hashem that only Him could save me now.
I think that gave me the force to stay clean all this time.

The last evening was on the edge, close to a new fall... but I managed to stay clean.
I was feeling that a third fall for this day should turn everything worse, and I had done enough for this day... and I had a clear resolution to not fall again !

Today, the feeling are a little better, even if pictures of what I saw yesterday are returning in my mind regularly with force, but I try to not to focus on it ...
Of course, I renewed my Tapshic this morning, which gives me more courage.

And also this morning, too, I cried.

Hi David26fr,

Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Falling after thinking you've beat this thing is one of the bitterest experiences one can go through. It is one of the many challenges of life we face when dealing with lust. After the deed is done, it is normal to feel more dead than alive. The feeling I've had is one of total astonishment, disbelief, almost shock. I say things to myself like: All along I thought I was a good Jew - but what am I - I'm nothing but a low life! Or I tell myself: And just when I was doing so well in everything...now look what I've done! Or I say to myself: I'm back to square one, let's face it, I'll never amount to anything!

These statements however are really the words of the yetzer hara. He wants us to give up, toss in the towel, and be convinced that it is impossible for us to succeed. And we often really do believe that it is impossible to succeed - but it's not!

That's where the test is: Don’t despair. Keep fighting. When we fall again after a long time, it’s not easy to pick ourselves up. But the challenge of such a moment is to show Hashem (and ourselves) how important it is to us that we win this war. If life were a breeze without any spiritual potholes to fall into, our commitment to Hashem could never be proven. It's only when we've taken a big hit and still get up determined to succeed that we are able to show our unwavering loyalty Hashem!

And that’s where tears can help. We should take all of the pain, frustration, and disappointment we feel, and bring it with us when we daven to Hashem. We should cry to Him and talk to Him like a son talks to his father. Hashem listens to heartfelt tefillos said with tears! There is only one way for us: UP.

Much hatzlacha!

David26Fr,

I know the feeling all too well. Thank you for sharing and to all that have responded. Yudi put it very well and his words are helping me today.

I had a big fall over the past week and feeling disgusted is an understatement. But I refuse to lay down on the floor and not get up....I feel like a boxer that got a right hook and dropped to the canvas..but as I look up, i know clearly that I can beat my opponent (yetzer hara) and that all i need to do is get up, gather all that i know and start swinging back.

Have a successful day my friend. Wishing you much of hatzlacha!

Thank you very much for your messages !
They give me much help in this struggle and to get up after this horrible monday...

I had a difficult week with many thoughts of what I have seen in my fall, many fantasies in my head, and it was a big struggle to stay concentrated on another things...
And often a big will to abandon and to continue to fall, Hachem helped me in this moments (and the Tapshic was a effective tool !)
It's a little better now... I am very tired of all this days but the thoughts are less invasive today.

Now, I have the will to continue my journey and to stay sober, one day at a time.

Much hatzlacha to all and gut shabbos