Hi guys i haven't been on here for a while i was searching for a thread that matched me but i couldn't find one and fell instead so i decided to start it and help myself and others.
I am 18 years old and a serious bochur from a non yeshivish background but i guess i embraced the yeshivish lifestyle while i was in israel. I went in elul 5774 and was clean a month before that and B"H i was clean from then until this pesach bein hazmanim 5775. It is so sad coming home wanting to grow and be better but i fell back right where i was before. It's not normal i was doing only avodat hashem from 730 in the morning until 2 in the morning. i ate leshem shmayim i slept leshem shamayim and i learnt leshma. i was really happy and accomplished a lot this zman. I didnt have any time for any yetzer hara and therefore i did not safegaurd myself. I came back last week and fell twice already. This was where i was holding before i got to israel i feel that i didnt grow in yiras shamayim at all. I feel like a loser and when i go back beezrat hashem i m not going to get back in to that routine. I said this to my therapist and he said that i just have to work and remember that i struggled. i told him that this what rabbenu yonah in shaare teshuva stresses that were never fully clean. which truthfully i have trouble understanding. How is it possible that a guy can be cleaned for 20 years and just fall right back in. So basically i wanted to share my story and ask for help. Its sad because in the yeshiva everyone looks up to me as a masmid which i really showed with genuine enjoyment and happiness. i need help please respond.

Hi Abieham first of all Thank you for sharing ; it was a great idea to start your own thread.And secondly you should continue posting that is an essential. I relate to your feelings of "loser" and that you "didn't grow in yiras shamayim". Nevertheless you are no loser and it is your yiras shamayim that made you post here. Why do you say that a guy could be clean for 20 years ? In your case we are talking about 6 months ? You have not written the history previous to Elul 5774 and why do you go to a therapist . That may have helped us more in trying to help. It is very possible to be clean and then fall. That is the story of our lives , mine and most people here in this site . B"H you are not different than anybody here. Most probably you are using whatever you "fell" to as a solution to something else that is stressing you. Have you read the GYE handbook ? There is plenty to learn in this site . So stick around and keep posting . Hatzlacha !! Ahh and by the way BE"H when you go back you will get back to an excellent routine of Learning and shtayging.

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Hi i know what you feel, i have it similar, in a top yeshiva and looked at as top but when i come home i fall (even though i wasnt clean in israel its a lot worse when i come home and have a phone), but B"H im pulling through with everyones help, You just have to realize that its ok and continue to try!

Welcome,

the oilam is here to help.

b'hatzlachah

Hi abieham i see a tremendous positive change from the post a long time ago to your recent post. All the "addictive" behaviors , as you called them, were going on just the same while you were in yeshiva ? It looks that somehow you managed without them , didn't you ?

Hi guys how was the chag. I slipped last night but caught myself and didnt fall completely B"H. What I realized what that i like the lusting and the excitement more than the actual outcome. In fact i hate the outcome i always did. I always tried to prevent myself from ejaculating by going to the bathroom in the middle. I dont know why that is.
But otherwise i made a promise this morning that if i used my brothers computer to fall i would pay 200 dollars so im staying away from it .lol
Otherwise doing fine. And need your support.

Hi everyone i just wanted to share that last night i was really struggling about lusting or not. i was going back and forth and finally i prayed to hashem and ased him for help. i think thats what helped me win the battle and i was able to get back to sleep BH. i woke up on time and am having a great day. Just wanted to let everyone know.

Amazing, thanks for sharing that with us !

Hatslah'a Raba and waiting for other good news soon b"H !

newaction wrote:


I would like to suggest something to you but I can't do that in good faith without knowing a little bit more about you.

Hello abieham, it is nice to meet you! There is a section just for teens on the forum. You may want to read and post on some threads there.

Sincerely, some_guy/ Elias/ Eliyahu

This is exactly it. You must keep yourself busy. Unless you want to fall. The same way you were busy in the holy land. Just add into your schedule laws of shmiras enayim. With that together with davening will help your siatah dishmayah and you'll succeed

A thought about you being clean for 6 months only to fall the moment you get home etc and it making you feel like a "loser"

Firstly, getting down on yourself about your downfalls comes more from your Y"H i think than from a good place (there's a difference between feeling resolute to stop your wayward action, and feeling your not good enough.).

Secondly, you know if you have Yiras Shomayim not by wether or not your perfect and do everything that Hashem wants from you (if you do your a Tzaddik), rather if you learn from your falls and take serious action to improve and prevent a repeat (repeat meaning the exact same thing happening), IE. Teshuvah.

Anyhow this is just my blirp, if you don't agree disregard. Hatzlacha to you in your journey, you can do it.

Learning the laws of shmiras enayim is part of teshuvah

im sorry to tell everyone i fell motzei shabbos/chag. it started at night and as soon as i woke up i went to my brothers half filtered computer and fell before i did anything. i feel like a real loser and especially because i feel so regular after. i feel as if i have no remorse. now i have to pray in front of the King by myself and ask for kindness. Do i really deserve it?
Today before i said modeh ani i thought which site can i go on that wouldnt be blocked. i went to the bathroom and didnt say asher yatzar before i got my next fix. And this is the same boy who for 7 months was clean and growing. I feel like a loser. I know that i dont aspire to be like this but what am i doing to stop. i didnt read anything GYE for a while. im bringing myself down because i ignored this disease. thats the thing with this addiction. it doesnt go away by itself you have to go to a "doctor." I guess the reason i forget that detail is because its only in the mind and not the body. so guys im posting now. i need help. please give me some hizuk.i want to be better i want to live a normal life.