To be a tzaddik when you never fell yet - well, it definitely isn't easy, but murder? I don't think so. But to be a tzaddik - even though you fell, AAHHHHH!!! That's a real yid!! It shows your doing it for real, because the incentive to be able to consider yourself a tzaddik is no longer here (even though we know you actually are a tzaddik, it's understandable if you feel like you want to deny it for a while).

So what's the takeaway?
How do I grow from this experience?

Well, for starters, one thing is concrete:

I am still an addict.

I was foolish to think that I was past this. I was foolish to let down my guard.

Going back to my original post here, let's see how many of my fences I've managed to hold on to for the last 74 days:

1. working through the 2 handbooks Haven't looked those over in weeks.
2. stepping out of the room and praying for 10 seconds if inappropriate content appears on my screen, no matter how it got there. This was probably the most helpful tactic starting off. I haven't kept this in weeks either.
3. daily emails Still on track. Thanks Reb Guard!
4. daily 5 minute seder in Esah Einai, a new sefer on shmiras enayim About a month since I've touched it.
5. prozac (been on for a year) Still on, but I've been considering moving off it.
6. weekly appointment with therapist, discussing this among other issues Still seeing him, but we've been focusing on other areas, as this hadn't been a problem for a while.
7. keeping the door open when web surfing in room by myself Still pretty good with this.
8. internet filter Still good with this, although my fall showed that this will NOT stop me when push comes to shove. Its a heker, at the end of the day.
9. praying for help with these issues, for myself and klal yisroel Prayer has been difficult. On and off. And never with the same vigor and simcha and reliance that I had in my first clean month.
10. helping a friend work out his issues in these areas He's clean for over 40 days, so he hasn't needed me, thank God!
11. reading through these forums and seeing holy jews in much worse situations break free! what a geshmak to see how much hope there is! Still reading, but its lost its novelty.
12. keeping track on the 90 day program Still on track.
13. trying to watch my eyes outside in general Better than before I started, but again, not the same level of vigor.

So where does this leave me? L'maiseh, I'm only holding on to about half of my fences. And even that half is weak, about to crumble under the weight of my own arrogance.

It's time to start over. I know this system works. My failure today was not the system! My failure was not sticking to the system.

precious, precious... as Dov said, the fall was perhaps to get your attention again. Hashem must have been missing you a lot 

b'ahava wrote on 21 Dec 2009 22:47:

So far, nobody who ever got through this ever claimed not to be an addict anymore. I mean, I have had a goal in my mind (which might be a fantasy) that one day I want to be able to sit alone for hours in front of an unfiltered computer, and not even feel an urge. I don't know if that is even possible - not even when we're 60.
I might be wrong on this, but one thing is definite: Our true goal here is not to be successful at "not looking at ..."
Rather, it's A) being solid with all the things leading up to it, and Going through the proper steps which will heal us on the inside.
When someone falls c"v, he should not be thinking of those few moments when he was making the descision. That's not what caused him to fall. It was what allowed the descision to ever exist.
Yesterday, I spent quite some time "testing out" my filter, "to see" how good it really is.
Technically, yesterday I didn't fall. Because I didn't see anything. But in reality I did.
I let down my guard (no pun intended) which is my avodah at this point.

You inspire me. The way you treat a fall, the instant cheshbon hanefesh. You are an example of what we should strive for. You have proven that it can be done. God does help. Just "reinitiate" and let God do his thing :-)

Holy Jews -
Please consider getting hold of a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous", and reading it, especially chapters 2 and 3. Just substitute the word Lust, porn, or whatever you do, in place of alcohol (I think "lust", personally). You can find it in a simple search on line for free, but I like holding a good old-fashioned  book in my hands....what a weirdo!

If you actually go to it and read what it has to say and like it, then I'd suggest looking at the last two pages of "Step Two" in the other main AA text, called "12 Steps and 12 Traditions". It talks there about religious folks like us who nevertheless are in this crazy mess.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

PS. I have not knowingly lusted today and b"H have not acted out in a while, but still say things like "when I act out, I...blah, blah, blah...but b"H I don't need to do that today" when I share in meetings, because I believe that the day I start saying stuff like, "way back when I used to act out, I would...blah, blah, blah", I'll start to think I am now cured and can now control lust and "use it like a gentleman", as AA puts it quite humorously (regarding drinking). No thanks! As Rav Noach Weinberg, zt"l liked to say, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!" I've had enough for a lifetime.

dov wrote on 22 Dec 2009 22:52:
Y'know it's very interesting that you say that, because I just never would have guessed that about you. You don't sound emotionaly involved at ALL.

Kollel Guy wrote on 22 Dec 2009 23:06:


Unemotionally involved in what?

Kollel Guy wrote on 22 Dec 2009 23:06:


Kollel guy, is this a joke?

If not, what do you mean?

Dov is more emotionally involved in living lust-free - and sharing with others about it - than anyone I know  ;D

guardureyes wrote on 22 Dec 2009 23:10:
This is my super sarcastic way of trying to be funny.

Well gentlemen, I'm back.

Today was the first day in a while where I stopped feeling bad for myself, and started to take action with my life.
L'maiseh, yesterday is what I needed to snap me out of it.

I'd really like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Really.
Without your support, yesterday could have been much, much worse. Instead, its energized me to push my life forward.

I'm a different person now than I was 2.5 months ago, and its because of all of you.

Thank you.

That's what GUE is all about.
I came in here looking for help, half expecting either yeshivishe raid which won't have the slightest effect on my life, or mystical hallucinations about how you need to balance all the energetic forces within you - using love for nature.
And what I found was a whole community of frum jews JUST LIKE ME, who share the same difficulties and frustrations as I do, and who also seek to free themselves of the self-destructive habit they find themselves caught in, and who all help and support each other in truth, and with wisdom - usually from experience.
It's an amazing thing, and your just begginning to realize how true this is.
It's changing my life, in more than just one way.

Your very welcome. More than you appreciate the help, the rest of us appreciate the opportunity to help you succeed!
And as Bards would say, KOT,NMW!!
In simple language, that's:
                        Keep
                        On
                        Truck'n
                        No
                        Matter
                        What
Hang in there B'ahava, you got a whole bunch of fans rooting for you here!

Now that was geshmak!!

(oops! yesivisheh reid!)

Lol R' Dov,
but that's not the type of yeshivishe raid that doesn't work.
I meant Iggeres Hamussar or something. Extremely awesome for evryday taavos, but doesn't hold a match to addictions.
Don't get me wrong, I love yeshivishe raid, I just think it has a time and place.

Kollel Guy has got it.

I think its as if we are struggling to stay afloat in a very turbulent ocean
with waves crashing over our heads and no one else in sight.
We are fighting the mighty powers all alone. All alone
And we realize that all we can do is cry for help.
Suddenly a lifeboat pulls up next to us.
Arms reach down into the raging waters and pull us up, into the safety of a boat.
Sure, the storm is still tossing us about.
Sure the boat may still tip ch'v.
But we are no longer alone
There is comfort in company.
The danger still looms, but automatically,
our bodies relax when we feel
the hard bottom of the boat,
the warm blanket around our shoulders,
the water bottle gently lifted to our parched lips.
Someone cared enough to brave the elements
Just for me!