howdy gentlemen.

I've been lurking around this site for about a month now (thank you anonymous yid for emailing me!) and i figure its finally time i post a bit about my experiences.

i just made it to level 3 in the 90 day journey. i'm 14 days clean! a record for the past 12 months, yishtabach shemo  ;D ;D ;D

my main problems seem to be the r"l standard P and M issues. i'm in my lower 20s, single, in college.

steps i've taken that are working great so far:

1. working through the 2 handbooks
2. stepping out of the room and praying for 10 seconds if inappropriate content appears on my screen, no matter how it got there.
3. daily emails
4. daily 5 minute seder in Esah Einai, a new sefer on shmiras enayim
5. prozac (been on for a year)
6. weekly appointment with therapist, discussing this among other issues
7. keeping the door open when web surfing in room by myself
8. internet filter
9. praying for help with these issues, for myself and klal yisroel
10. helping a friend work out his issues in these areas
11. reading through these forums and seeing holy jews in much worse situations break free! what a geshmak to see how much hope there is!
12. keeping track on the 90 day program
13. trying to watch my eyes outside in general

ok. holy cow. thats a long list. this is really my number one priority right now. and its working!!!

here's where i can use some advice:
historically, i'd fall 1-2 times a week. getting to a week clean is a challenge. when i do get there once in a while, i tend to fall on that very day. sometimes i'll tell myself "wow! you've made it a whole week! and you're feeling totally in control!" and shortly after, i'll fall.
last Tishrei, i went a whole month clean (first time in over 5 years!!!!!!!!) and fell like on day 31.

i've come up with 2 possible explanations for this pattern of falling after milestones:
1. i feel like i'm in control, so i let down my guard, allowing the yetzer to strike.
2. i feel like i've accomplished something, so i 'reward' myself with pleasure

so how do i combat this pattern?

i've made it 2 weeks now pretty bump-free, yishtabach shemo. probably because of the constant chizuk i'm getting throughout the day (see list above).

here's my fear:
i'll hit 30 days, and fall back. c'v. or maybe even 90, and fall back.

how do i break this pattern? anyone with similar experience?

thank you so much. i love all of you. and i pray that you'll all break free.

Welcome Bahava,

Glad to see you came out of hiding. I noticed your first post snuck in amongst other things on someone elses thread and said hi there (cant remember who's, sorry). Dont know if you noticed it or not, so once again; welcome!

I will leave the answers to your excellent questions to those wiser and more experienced than I.
What i will say though, is that one of the best tools for remaining clean, is to post. The group accountabiliy works wonders. Try it!

Welcome b'ahava - with love!!

What a beautiful post. I think I'll quote some of it in today's Chizuk e-mail!

You are taking so many great steps to beat this, you are truly an inspiration. I wish everyone would learn from you!

I think that perhaps the only thing you're missing though - which leads to cycles of falling, is step #1 of the 12 Steps. If we succeed to recognize the true nature of this disease - that we are really powerless over lust, we will remain humble and dependent on Hashem - no matter HOW many days clean Hashem has given us. This, I hope, can prevent the cycle of "feeling good" and then falling shortly afterwards...

Can you join Duvid Chaim's phone calls? They have just started a new cycle - and they'll be getting to step 1 very soon!

Welcome dearest tzadik yesod olom,

A possible explanation is that the holy seforim write, that there is nothing that "incites" or strengthens the YH as when we think that we have bested him. When we make our "I" caps, as in "I did x amount of days clean" that is like waving a red flag in front of the proverbial bull!!

Out attitude is, that all our accomplishments in this are is only thru the Grace and Kindness of Hashem!!!!

When we pray, we pray that Hashem "fight" the YH!!!

The more we remove the I and realize that we can't fight this beast the easier it gets!!!

BTW, you are doing great keep up the list of things that you are doing, it sounds like u got a recipe for 90 days

Know that this humble Jew is prayin 4 u

With tremendous love and respect to a fellow warrior

Noorah

21 clean days people!!!

Can I get a what what???
:D ;D :

21 days!
That is no small celebration b'ahava!

Figure out how many SECONDS that comes out to -
- those are now yours for eternity
No one and no thing can ever take that away from you.

Keep climbing  :D

Wonderful, keep up the good work!... Share with us what strategies you are using and what works for you...

ur a holy tsadik! thanks for the constant inspiration...keep on trucking dude!

ok dudes.

31 days clean. i think this is a new record. i really feel like a new person. really. thank God. yishtabach shemo.

vis a vis my original post, i'm in a red zone right now. i feel really good about going this far, and i'm afraid i'm getting too confident. i've let some of my fences slip recently. this needs to stop. now.

its time to reinforce.

i started to read the attitude handbook again. here's a question i have:

it talks about the negative behaviors being a symptom of the overall lust addiction.

here's the thing:
i've had so much success (wow, that's ridiculously arrogant. i'm such a freaking jerk) that i feel like i'm no longer addicted. its just been so easy. its like i dont even want this stuff anymore.

i know. thats the yetzer hara talking.

i guess that answer is to read about how some of my dear friends here have fallen, r'l after such long periods of time.

any other tips?

i just gotta keep the fences up.

will somebody please help this holy yid out???

where is the olam???

the answer better be seder!  8)

b'ahava wrote on 08 Nov 2009 06:04:


Dear b'ahava - Please read my last post on "accountability groups #3"
I do not know how to link you over there, but it may talk to you. You are a beautiful yid.
- Dov

dov wrote on 08 Nov 2009 17:32:


Thanks, Dov. that did help.

Here's your text, for future reference:

What Dov wrote is very profound indeed, but I'm just trying to understand the problem... You write "its like i dont even want this stuff anymore." and then you write "i just gotta keep the fences up."

If you don't want the stuff anymore, why is it hard to keep the fences up?

Maybe you mean that because you feel you won't fall, you can afford to let down your guard and start looking where you shouldn't - or watching movies and other stuff like that?

If that's what you mean, all I can suggest is DON'T TRY IT. Lust is a very powerful force. Even if we feel free from it right now, the moment we start to take that "first sip" of lust again, we are pulled down a slippery slope faster than we would have dreamed!

Anyway, we're all happy to hear about your progress. It is truly inspiring. Keep sharing with us!

Alright, my holy peeps.

Today is a big day.

40 clean days. My longest streak ever. The roughest part is over.

Also, I've been keeping a month-to-month chart of M frequency for 3 years now. Being that its Rosh Chodesh Kislev, I got to put down a 0 for Cheshvan. That's the second 0 on the chart in over 3 years!!

This is real progress.

Hallel yesterday was out of this world. I even splurged and bought myself a present for some positive reinforcement.



Yet, today, I'm feeling down and lonely.
I'll get through it by tomorrow. I know.
It just sucks to be where I am right now.

Worst of all, it really doesn't make sense. It's just some freak mood swing.
I have nothing in the world to worry or be upset about. I'm just not feeling it.

So nu, nu. I'll just keep on trucking until I snap out of it. I always do.



Also, I love you guys. This community has really changed my life. I haven't posted many replies (I don't usually have a lot to add), but I'm reading the forum every night before I sleep.

Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
Thank you all!!

MAZEL TOV!!!
KEEP IT UP!!

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

WAS THE PRESENT A BOTTLE OF WOOD FORD??

bardichev